In Which Nobody is Normal Because Normal is Boring
by Iffy Jr
Summary: MULTIPLE PAIRINGS. "In which Bruce always knows everything, Tony isn't tired anymore, Phil is actually somewhat normal, Maria is twice as normal as he is, Clint wears everybody's clothes, Natasha is in love with heights, Fury hates everybody, Steve loves everybody, Thor misses things, Loki is lost, Darcy takes the rainbow, and nobody is normal because normal is boring." COMPLETE.
1. Part I

Author's notes: You do not even understand how long it took me to actually finish this damn thing. It's 106 pages and just shy of 51,000 words, and it's a multiple pairing post-war story! The ships will be listed out soon, you just have to keep reading the notes. Aaanyway! The story was inspired by random quotes that I've found on the internet, heard around, and…okay let's just say that I've been saving quotes and poems that I hear and like since I was in like, 7th grade, and now I'm in 11th…so anyway the entire thing is one big lawsuit XD But, yes, I'll be sure to reference all the quotes at the end of each part! :) With it being inspired by quotes, though, all of the scenarios are written to fit around them—but there's an order and a plotline and they all flow together I swear.

The story takes place four years after the "Loki incident", and Loki has served his sentence in Asgard and now hangs around with the Avengers at the mansion even though Clint and Phil don't like him. Speaking of those two: in the comics, Clint is like six feet tall or something and Phil is 5'10", but for reasons in which I want Clint to be shorter than Phil I'm taking Jeremy Renner's (the actor who plays Clint, for those of you who don't know) height of 5'9" instead, so there!

There are four parts and an epilogue, and the first part is very long. The second is short, and then the third and fourth used to just be one part but it was REALLY long so I cut it in half. Haha. Oh and also all the references at the end of each part will be in order of how they came in that specific part! Each part has like a million different perspective changes, but I'll make sure to make it obvious when it _does_ switch and who it switches _to_. Also, for the references, any of the quotes I've put in you'll have no idea that they're quotes unless you've heard them before, so they'll be all references at the end of the part!

And…I guess that's it! Enjoy! :)

PS the beginning of part one is a shit ton of background but don't worry it will be over soon enough to get to the real story!

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**Disclaimer**: Let's just safely assume that nothing is mine!

**Summary**: Multiple pairings. "In which Bruce always knows everything, Tony isn't tired anymore, Phil is actually somewhat normal, Maria is twice as normal as he is, Clint wears everybody's clothes, Natasha is in love with heights, Fury hates everybody, Steve loves everybody, Thor misses things, Loki is lost, Darcy takes the rainbow, and nobody is normal because normal is boring." COMPLETE.

**Pairings**: (Outcomes) Bruce/Tony, Phil/Clint, Loki/Darcy, Steve/Maria, Thor/Jane; platonic Thor/Natasha  
With these all said, the four main pairings (since they're the ones that aren't together from the beginning) are Science Boyfriends, Hawkson (Bowtie?), Loki/Darcy (what's their ship name? Lorcy? How boring), and Steve/Maria (who _knows_ what their ship name is…Captain Grenade? Haha I'm not funny sorry). Thor/Jane are a couple from the start, and I do write about them some buuut not really. There's also Pepperony at the beginning, but that changes pretty quick.

**Status**: Complete  
**Rating**: Mature  
**Warning/Not-warnings**: m/m and m/f pairings; strong language; no sex scenes whoops sorry I'm lazy

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[Part summary: In which Bruce knows everything and nobody realizes who they're going to end up being in love with yet.]

**Part I**

_Normal people' are an urban legend.  
Everyone heard about them.  
Everyone talks about them.  
But nobody has ever seen one._

_BRUCE  
March 1…_

Everybody has secrets. Everybody has dreams. Sometimes these dreams are the same as the secrets, and sometimes they're as far apart as they can be.

There are a lot of secrets in the world, and even more in the Avenger's mansion—but Bruce can probably name every single one of them. And some of the others probably could, too, since it's so hard to keep them from people who learn other's secrets for a living. So, secrets aren't really a huge part of the Avenger's Initiative nor of any other SHIELD agents. They do have them, though, somewhere in there… Their dreams are more important to them than their secrets, so nobody really cares about those. It's the dreams they all want to know about.

For Bruce, his dream is children. He's convinced that dream will never be achieved, but it's a dream nonetheless. He has a secret, too, that he's actually convinced nobody else knows about yet. Out of everybody Bruce knows, he likes Tony best. Not just likes the guy, but _likes_ the guy. He's not exactly gay, he just doesn't really care. If he likes somebody, then that's who he likes. Not precisely gender blind, but the general concept of it. Thing is, Tony is taken, so Bruce just ignores the feelings and takes what he can get: lab time. Sometimes Tony flirts with him, but Bruce knows that it doesn't actually _mean_ anything. He's always patting Bruce on the ass and commenting on how sexy he really is and that he should get out more—and to make matters worse, he does it when Pepper's _with_ them. She doesn't care, though. That's just how she is. She's used to Tony being the biggest flirt in the universe and therefore doesn't care because she expects it—usually.

Tony's biggest secret is that he honestly does not care if he stays alive or not, and everybody else knows that, too. He's not suicidal, he just gives everything his all and, if he dies, then so be it. He's an adventurer. And his dreams? Well, for Tony, it changes weekly since he can have whatever he wants. Bruce is pretty sure that this week, though, it's that he dreams of traveling through time. Bruce doesn't know the exact times he'd visit, but that's what he wants.

For Steve, his dream is to have never been frozen. That is of course never going to come true, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still dream of it. Sure, he loves his new friends, but he wants Peggy Carter back, and he wants Bucky back, too, but Bruce doesn't really know that part of the story. And because of his dream, that it will never come true, his secret is the same as Tony's. He's not suicidal, he just doesn't care enough—just gives his all and doesn't care if it goes awry. Bruce is pretty sure he's the only one that knows about that. And the secret Steve has that everybody knows is that he has constant nightmares. The kind of nightmares you have after multiple wars (it's been four years since the "Loki incident") and after you've lost somebody. Really, Steve's lost everybody, considering that he was frozen since the forties. Because of those nightmares, though, he sleeps almost as little as Tony and Bruce do when they get going on a project in the lab—or in general, really, because Tony hasn't been drinking as much with Pepper and Bruce around to take up his time, meaning he doesn't pass out after drinking so much.

Bruce doesn't even want to contemplate how many secrets Natasha has. All he knows is that he doesn't know hardly _any_ of them. He does know her dream, though: to wipe out all the red in her ledger. Sometimes that confuses Bruce, though, because she and Maria Hill use that phrase if they need a tampon. _"Hey, I've got some red in my ledger. Do you have any whiteout so I can blot it out?"_ Bruce is pretty sure he's the only one that actually knows what it means also, but he keeps it to himself that he does. Either way, her dream is to wipe out the ledger in which is _killing people_, which is actually probably almost wiped out now that she's been a member of the Avenger's Initiative and all that. And something that's not really a secret or a dream at all is that she likes heights even more than Clint does, and she treats them like a child. She spends almost every last bit of her free time sitting up on the top of Thor's shoulders, to which Thor is perfectly okay with.

Clint's dream is to actually fly. Not in an airplane or one of the SHIELD flying devices, but to physically _fly_. Like Peter Pan. He knows that's not going to come true, too, unless he and Loki end up on good terms and the god cooks up a spell for him. That's not going to happen either, though, so his is just one more broken dream for the team. He doesn't have much of a secret, either, since everybody in the team knows it: his sexual orientation. He is gayer than the One Direction poster (on the inside of the door to his private bedroom) and the poster of Benedict Cumberbatch reading a newspaper naked (on the wall above the headboard of his bed) combined. Plus the fact that he looks at Steve's ass all the time, or that one time he totally asked Thor if he could braid his hair and started gushing over the way it would look in a fishtail. Or, hey, maybe it's the fact that he really doesn't like Bruce's own ass. It is _not_ a secret that Clint doesn't like Bruce's ass. Natasha hits him a lot because he's so rude, but Bruce doesn't care. Much… He also has an unhealthy obsession with fictional villains and British television. Nobody questions it anymore.

Thor's dream is to be the best king that Asgard has ever seen. The only problem is, now that Loki's served his sentence, nobody wants him up there, and Thor refuses to leave his brother, and since Loki's new choice of residence is in the Avenger's mansion…well, Thor's mostly a full time team member, now. Bruce knows that he wants to go back to Asgard with his family and his friends, but hardly does he ever, because he wants to be with Loki more. Even Bruce doesn't know what it's like to love more than the world somebody that hates you so much. And Thor's worse at having secrets than he is at keeping them, and he is _bad_ at keeping his mouth shut.

Loki is, of course, the best at keeping secrets, but he's still not as good as he thinks. Loki's biggest secret is, naturally, the fact that he really does like Thor. That he's sorry for trying to take over the world and for killing people. Bruce has seen him writing apology notes to Clint and Phil, but he always crumples them up and incinerates them with his magic. He really is a good guy now, and he likes to keep that a secret so people still fear him. Bruce never did, though, since he knows he could beat him up with a single Hulk-out. He doesn't really remember it, but when Loki kept shying away for him when he came back he finally just asked. He can't remember the last time he felt so good about himself. Bruce even knows what Loki's dream is, Mr. God of Hiding His Feelings and Blending Into the Shadows. It's…well, surprisingly enough, and also terrifyingly enough, it's the same dream as Pepper's is: world domination. Of course that's Loki's, but why is it Pepper's? Well, why wouldn't it be? She'd be great at it. If she can run Tony's company, date the guy, come watch movies with those of the team members that aren't on a mission, _and_ take Loki and Amora (some other Asgardian girl that Loki is…well, Bruce actually doesn't know if they're dating or not) shopping so she can be on their good side…well, if she can do all that, she deserves it.

Pepper is…well, she's powerful. Aside from all that, you can't win an argument against her, she accepts people for who they are (which is power in this world because you can become friends with so many people), and she most _definitely_ wears the pants in her and Tony's relationship, because _yikes_. Bruce never really pegged her as someone who yells a lot, but yeah, sometimes he's wrong. Not very often, but it happens. She and Tony argue a lot, mostly about stupid things. Then again, they argue about the company too, because Pepper quit being CEO a long time ago but somehow managed having the job again. It's really not a good idea to date your boss. Bruce would be _happy_ to take him off her hands… Any of her secrets are unknown to him, but that's mostly because they don't hang out very often.

The only other person he doesn't know nearly well enough is Agent Coulson, who everybody now just calls Phil. He hates Loki, of course, but that's a given. The hatred of Loki is what got him and Clint to become best friends a long while ago. Sometimes Bruce thinks they're a little more than friends, but he just shakes his head whenever the idea pops into his head because it's not possible. It only seems that way because Clint has no personal space. He's like that around Tony, Steve, Thor, Natasha, and sometimes even Fury, but most of the time he just shies away from that. Ph's Captain America obsession definitely isn't a secret, even to the public. On the other hand, the fact that he's a killer for sunsets is something that Clint probably doesn't even know about. The guy's a sucker for nature. That's not really a secret, though…it's just something that he doesn't say out loud; he probably wouldn't care if anybody actually knew about it.

One the other hand, Bruce has no idea what his secrets _or_ his dreams are. He should know, too, considering that Phil is now known as the Avenger's babysitter. After Loki stabbed him in the back, they only just got him to survive. The wound was so close to his heart, though, and it didn't heal completely, that Phil isn't allowed out on the field anymore. They couldn't dare fire the guy, though, so they assigned him as one of the Avenger's. He doesn't actually go out and fight anyone, but he does get a communicator and lots of access to surveillance cameras so he can help the field members get through whatever it is they're trying to get through. Bruce is usually so good at just watching people and figuring them out that he's turned it into an art form, but he is so good at just standing there that it's literally impossible to tell what he's thinking.

Maria's secret is that she writes stories. Actually, Bruce is pretty sure he's the only one in the entire _world_ who actually knows what they're about. She pretty much hates everybody, too—everybody except Steve and Phil, anyway… Her and Phil get along because they've worked together on so many things and because they're so alike. They both seem so hard on the outside, but they're actually a lot of fun if you just ask the right questions. Case in point, Maria's writing. Bruce has actually read a couple of her stories, too. She doesn't know it, but Bruce is actually very good at being quiet, and sometimes even the most trained of agents don't notice until too late that he's looking over their shoulder. He may be pretty loud as "the other guy", and okay, he snores too, but he's actually very quiet when he's an awake human.

For Maria, her dream is to get Phil's job. Not the babysitting the Avenger's job, but what he _used_ to have. The guy literally has an "Employee of Forever" plaque in his private room in the Avenger's mansion that's signed by Fury and all four members of the Council. She wants to be "just like him", for lack of a better term. Phil stays in the mansion every day of the week but Saturday night, since he's got Sunday's off. Honestly, Fury should give him at least one other day off as well if he expects Phil to be able to stay on his feet. The Avenger's are a shit-load of work. Anyway, Maria wants Phil's old job—and the fact that she has a huge crush on Steve is putting her well on her way.

And then there's Director Nicholas Fury himself… His secret is that his middle name is Howard, and he's actually paid Bruce extra (yes, being an Avenger is actually a paying job) just to keep that a secret from Tony—because, yeah, it was definitely after Howard Stark. Also, sometimes he wears the Iron Man boxers that Tony gave to him as a gag gift, and that's even worse than being named after the guys' dad. His dream is to get all of the Avenger's and then some to "settle the fuck down" and "grow the fuck up". That's how he words it, but really, how _could_ they settle down and grow up with such a list of team members?

There's Robert Bruce Banner, the "God of Anger Management", that on occasion is an enemy to the Avenger's themselves considering that he's not exactly…himself…when "the other guy" comes out to play. Anthony Edward Stark, "Genius Billionaire Ex-Playboy Philanthropist", known ex-Playboy for the simple fact that he's in a stable (if arguing about stupid things and flirting with other women can be considered as _stable_) relationship with Pepper. Steven Grant Rogers, "Captain America", the "man out of time" and the "I was frozen for seventy years and Tony expects me to know _what_?" He's adapted well, though. If you give him a reason he'll beat you with his small knowledge of sarcasm and he can be pretty arrogant if you bother him enough.

There's Clinton Francis Barton, SHIELD agent "Hawkeye" and sometimes a rival flirt to even Tony except for the fact that he never actually means any of it. Maybe he's really great at it, but it's never really been his thing to _actually_ go out and do something with it. Natalia Alianovna Romanova, usually known as Natasha because of the fact that she's "no longer Russian" and known as the "Black Widow" to the team and…that's mostly it. Then there's Thor Odinson, "God of Thunder", the "look at me wielding my hammer with my big ass muscles ha-ha-HA I like putting myself in danger because it's just so much _fun_!" Asgardian Prince. And…Loki Laufeyson, the "God of Lies, Mischief, and Trickery", also sometimes referred to as the "God of Fire" even though he's a Frost Giant runt. Then there's Phillip Coulson (whatever _his_ middle name is…maybe Allen or something else that doesn't seem all that heroic) who can do as much as he can to calm them down and still not be able to no matter what. And finally Maria Hill (Karen? Arianna?), who comes over on occasion for a movie or video game to see sometimes Phil but most of the time it's to see Steve since she's got a "secret" crush on him.

Pretty much Fury's dream is even less likely to come true than Steve's is. Actually, considering that Tony really wants to make a time machine…well, as far as everything's going, he very could get his wish to be able to go back and visit his friends and never have become frozen at all. Knowing Steve, though…he saved countless lives on the day he crashed, so he'll probably just do it all over again. He can be sarcastic and arrogant sometimes, but the guy really does have a heart of gold.

Basically, when it comes to secrets, they don't really exist because everybody knows about them. When it comes to dreams, though, it's difficult to get a clue. Bruce has an eye on everybody, though—except of course Phil, but Bruce gave up understanding that guy a long time ago. Other than his loving nature and being really close to Clint…well, that's about it. Honestly, he gets along with Clint better than he gets along with him_self_. They're hardly ever apart unless Phil and Natasha start arguing about something. Then again, _nobody_ is around for _those_ arguments. Unless you're clear of the atmosphere, you're in danger of being in their way and therefore getting killed.

All of the Avenger's members have a sort of…counterpart. Phil and Clint are obviously a pair, mostly because they like to gang up and give Loki a run for his money. Honestly, they're almost more into pulling pranks on people than the god of pranking himself is. Of course, Clint just does it and makes an ass out of himself, but Phil somehow manages to do it with a little tact in which nobody ever actually gets mad at him for. Maybe it's the straight face he gives, but maybe it's the fact that they're all just so amused that an office drone such as Coulson actually has a sense of humor. He's basically Clint's role model, but in less of a "wow I want to be just like you when I grow up" way and more of a "you're too close to my age to actually admit anything out loud so I'm just going to terrorize people with you and take most of the blame".

Tony is Bruce's even though Tony is dating Pepper, simply because they're both always in the lab together. _Always_ in the lab together. Every once in a while Tony's out with Pepper and Bruce is alone, and sometimes Bruce is sleeping so Tony is alone, but that's hardly even once in a blue moon. They're pretty much just always together since Pepper is just working most of the time.

Natasha and Thor are a pair, which sounds really weird but really isn't. Thor, for some reason, with his muscles and his very manly outlook on life, happens to get along much better with women than his own sex. He also doesn't ask many questions, and Natasha is the type of person that really hates being asked questions. Then there's the fact that she's in love with heights, so the only two things you'll ever find her doing is her usual SHIELD/Avenger's work or (sometimes at the same time) sitting up on Thor's shoulders. She has to duck through doorways, but most of the mansion's ceilings and things are plenty high enough for her to sit up straight. Some rooms (like the rec room, on the top of three floors where most of them spend their time) she can even stand on his shoulders and still barely touch the ceiling.

Since Tony's is Bruce, Pepper's is Happy. Bruce has only met Happy once, and that's because they were all getting a limo ride to a club. It took Tony about a week to get Bruce to agree to go, and it actually went rather well. Bruce just sat at the bar the entire time, partly because he volunteered to be the designated driver but mostly because he definitely did _not_ want to be in the mass of dancing bodies. He would have destroyed them all without even realizing it.

Loki and Amora are…well, two villains who may or may not be dating (the fact that they make out all the time could be an indication, but seeing that whenever they're out in public Amora makes out with countless other people makes it kind of confusing) can be the worst thing in the world for about seven hundred reasons, one of those being that if they have a fight they might accidentally blow up the whole of New York state. But, surprisingly enough, they manage to balance each other out pretty well.

The last group is the duo of Fury and Maria, but that's just because they work together. Bruce is pretty sure they don't even like each other all that much, but not so much as that they can't get a job done. Fury's just _Fury_, cracking off at people and referring to everyone as a "motherfucker". Maria, though, is…weird. While she still manages to come to the mansion and watch movies and play video games, or at the very least she stops by to give Phil some papers (or that's what she says anyway, but it's probably just to see Steve), she pretty much hates everybody. She really does like Steve, though…

Bruce was there the first time she saw him. Her eyes got all wide and she looked over at Phil with a sort of "good gods this is the guy on your trading cards this is why you're obsessed him you were not exaggerating" and Phil just crossed his arms and gave a smug little nod. Problem for her, though, is that her affections are not exactly _returned_ by the super soldier. He's had it pretty rough trying to get over Peggy and…well, it hurts him.

Speaking of Steve, he doesn't really have a counterpart. He really just gets along with everyone and hangs out with everyone and therefore doesn't need anybody as a specific duo member. It's hard for him to let anybody in to a place like that anyway, since Bucky died and he can't be with Peggy. Sometimes he tries to help Tony and Bruce in the lab with a project, and he even tags along with Pepper's "all of us are going to die if this goes wrong" shopping trips. It's convenient, really, because when Amora is doing whatever it is magical females do and Pepper is working, Steve and Loki usually end up just sitting and talking about nothing in particular—until somebody else walks in, to which they change the subject to something that never actually makes any sense.

And then, all of them together, have a little secret of their own: nothing to do. As far as the world and even the Council know, all members of the Avenger's Initiative spend all of their free time pouring of paperwork, practicing fighting techniques, eating right, and getting some good quality rest. When Tony first heard about this he literally fell onto the floor, crying with laughter. Bruce gets a lot of sleep and eats pretty well, but he never does paperwork and isn't even hardly in the field unless he really needs to be, and then Tony eats horribly, drinks, doesn't sleep well, _or_ do paperwork. Phil doesn't get much sleep because he's always babysitting, but he eats right and does lots of paperwork, and Clint hardly eats anything but drinks a _lot_ of water and Mountain Dew and has probably never touched a piece of paper in his life. Natasha eats the bare minimum, only sleeps well if she's with Thor (they don't have sex or anything of course, considering just _who_ Natasha is and also that Thor is with Jane, but she sleeps great with him because for some unknown reason she feels _safe_, unlike when she sleeps alone and she's not _truly_ asleep because a part of her is awake so she can wake up quickly and protect herself. Bruce thought that Clint would be the same, but that guy can sleep through _anything_), and only does about half the paperwork she should probably do. Pepper does everything right, and Bruce has no idea what Happy does, but they don't really count since they're not even a part of the Initiative. And then Fury and Maria don't even count, though Bruce is pretty sure Maria doesn't actually get much sleep.

The living/rec room of the Avenger's mansion where most of them spend their time (except Bruce and Tony, who are usually in the lab) is _huge_, with a flat screen TV a size that should not even be legal. There are surround-sound speakers and big, huge windows that overlook the city (the building is only three stories tall, so it doesn't _over_look much, but it's still really nice), a ping pong table near the back of the room, a popcorn making machine ("Because why not?" Tony had said), and quite a few other things. Bruce's favorite thing, though, is the _huge fucking couch_ that sits in front of the TV and curves around in such a way that it's almost not even a couch anymore. It's just like a bunch of chairs that have been pushed together, but not, because it's definitely a couch, and it's made of black leather because the Avenger's team members are actually a huge mess (especially Tony and Thor because they argue over who gets to hold the popcorn all the time even though there are so many extra bowls it's ridiculous) and leather is usually pretty easy to wipe stuff off of.

When it comes to couch seating, they don't really have designated spots, but they sort of conform to the same sport every time anyway. Right smack in the middle, facing directly in front of the TV, is Tony's spot. To his right is Bruce, then Steve, then Maria (poor Steve, and poor Maria knowing that Steve doesn't like her back), then Phil, and Clint on the edge so he can see everybody without really having to turn his head. To Tony's left is Pepper when she manages to make it over, Amora when she's not doing her magical stuff, Loki, Thor (which Loki pretends to hate but doesn't really), and Natasha (probably for the same reason as Clint). When somebody's gone, those that are usually sitting on the other side of them just scoot in so that they're closer.

To be honest, though, not everybody is usually around to fill the couch up all the time. Maria and Pepper are usually working, Loki is usually sulking somewhere, Amora's usually off in some other realm, Thor and Natasha go on bike rides a lot, and Steve works out. When people are gone the seating can switch around, so Clint sometimes ends up next to Natasha instead of as far from her as he can be, Thor by Tony so they can fight over popcorn, and Loki by Steve so they can whisper to each other about "nothing in particular". When most of them are there, though, they sit in the usual seating arrangement.

As of now, the couch is filled with Bruce, Tony, Steve, Clint, and Phil, with the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie playing because Clint is pretty much in love with Johnny Depp playing Jack and Orlando Bloom just being plain old sexy. Bruce is filling out a Sudoku game in Steve's newspaper, Tony is doing whatever work related thing on his laptop, Steve is reading the sports section of the same newspaper as Bruce, Phil is doing Odin knows what on his fancy-schmancy iPhone, and Clint is fiddling with his necklace. It's just a black cord with one of the same medallions from The Curse of the Black Pearl attached to it that Clint always wears when he's watching these movies. He's a bit of a "fangirl", really.

"Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'Like' my own status?" Tony asks, and Bruce looks over to see him on the page he made for Iron Man. "Of course I like my status. I'm fuckin' hilarious!"

"And sexy," Clint says without looking away from the screen. "Almost as sexy as Jack."

"Uh…" Steve says, eyeing him oddly. "Are you wearing an eyepatch?"

Clint only has time to smirk before Phil snaps at him: "Clint Barton, what have I told you about wearing around Fury's extra eye patches?"

Clint gives a guilty smile. "Don't do it?"

"_Don't do it_," he repeats darkly.

Bruce rolls his eyes, leaning over Tony's shoulders. "Where's this status you love so much?"

"Eh, nothin'. Just something in which I was thinking about giving the suit a new paint job. I put up a poll to see if people want it to stay the same, want the colors to switch around so there's more gold, or go for the red, white, and blue look."

Steve looks up with a grimace. "That is going to look terrible if it wins."

"Yeah, well, you don't look so hot in it either, Captain Tightpants."

"At least he's got a nice ass," Clint says, pumping his fist as Jack snags the dock attendants sack of coins.

"Clint," Phil scolds again, "what have I told you about hitting on your colleagues?"

Clint groans. "Be civilized about it?"

"_Don't do it._"

Clint flits his wrist at him. "Same thing."

"Good gods, shut up," a new voice says, and everyone turns to see Natasha coming into the room via ducking while sitting up on Thor's shoulders because the doorways are not nearly tall enough for them even in this particular room.

The conversation ends then, but a few minutes later, Tony starts talking again: "When I die I'd like somebody to keep updating my Facebook status to freak people out."

Bruce smirks. "Hey," he says in his best Tony imitation. "Who knew they had Wi-Fi down here!"

Natasha bursts into laughter, nearly falling off of Thor's shoulders. She actually has one hell of a sense of humor. She nearly laughs more than anybody else that Bruce knows. She was dark and foreboding at first, but like most people, you just have to get to know them first.

"Hey now," Tony says, punching him on the knee. "Tony Stark is going up, thank you very much."

"Yeah right," another new voice says, and the larger group turns to see Pepper walking in with two cups of coffee.

"Pepperrr!" Tony whines. "Even you?"

"Naturally. Do you want your coffee or not?"

"You know I want my coffee even more than I want you."

"I do." She hands it to him before walking around the arch of cushion and sitting practically in his lap. "Are we seriously watching The Black Pearl again?"

"Rude," Clint says, glaring over at her.

That's when Loki decides to pop in with Amora by his side. "Barton!" he growls. "I swear to both my father's, if you keep using my hair conditioner I'm going to take your heart again!"

Clint gasps dramatically and throws his arms around Phil's neck. "Oh, Phil, save me! I don't want to be a flying monkey again!"

Thor frowns. "I do not understand your culture in which flying monkeys are so important."

"I DO!" Steve yells, throwing his arms up, the paper fluttering down to his lap. "I GET IT. I GET IT."

Bruce can tell Tony is about to have an aneurism. "If idiots could fly," he mutters, rubbing his temples, "this place would be an airport."

Natasha smiles from her spot on Thor before pulling out her gun and holding it out to him. "Would you like the honors of blowing their brains out?"

Tony grins and reaches for it, but Bruce smacks his hand.

Loki rolls his eyes, looking over at Amora. "I told you he wouldn't want to help."

Amora smirks. "Leave it to me, love." She sashays her hips over to Clint, squatting down in front of him. "You're Clint? I've heard so much about you, you know."

Clint smirks, letting go of Phil and turning towards her. "Lady, I'm an assassin. _This_"—he motions to her—"is not going to work."

"Oh?" she says, batting her eyelashes at him. "I'm sure no one would mind if I tried to…persuade you."

He chuckles. "Another reason is the fact that I'm one-hundred and twenty-three percent _gay_."

She gives a tiny groan, standing up. "You're right," she says to Loki. "We'll just have to ask Skurge." The instant that their hands touch, they're gone.

"Yuck," Clint says, fixing the part of Phil's suit collar he messed up. "I hate those two."

"Especially Loki," Phil says.

"_Especially_ Loki," Clint repeats.

"Maybe he's not all that bad anymore!" Steve says, giving Clint and Phil a hopeful smile. "Maybe if you guys just talk to him a little civilized you'll see that he actually feels really bad for it. The poor little god just needs a hug!"

"You know what, Steve-o?" Clint says, giving Steve a big smile. "You're right. Some people just need a hug!" Then with a dark frown he adds: "Around their neck. With a rope."

Steve sighs and stands, folding up his part of the paper. "I give up. I'm going for a jog."

"Have fun!" the inhabitants of the room call after him.

"I think I'll head out too," Bruce says, standing up. "I've got some things to do in the lab."

"I'll be right down!" Tony says, and Bruce just rolls his eyes and nods, because he knows that that means he'll see Tony in about three hours.

**OoOoOoO**

_TONY  
March 1…_

Two hours and seventeen minutes later, Tony saunters himself into the lab, making his way over to Bruce. He told him he'd be right down, but with Pepper over…well, whoops! They _are_ dating, though, in his defense. He wants to make out with his girlfriend when he can, after all. He never would have guessed it, but she's an absolute goddess in bed. Too bad they're always arguing…

"Heyuh, Brucey-kins! Didyuh miss—" He cuts off, his eyes going considerably wider as he looks at the creation behind Bruce: a life sized R2-D2. "No way! I've been trying to figure out how to make him for _years_! How did you _do_ it?"

Bruce doesn't even look up. "There are two rules for success. Number one, never tell everything you know."

Tony waits for number two for a few seconds before he gets what Bruce just said. "I hate you."

Bruce gives him a glance before looking back at R2-D2 and smiling. "I love you too."

"Okay, fine, so you made R2-D2 without me knowing. While _you_ were down _here_ just now, _you_ missed Steve going off to his _date_."

Bruce frowns.

Tony grins and crosses his arms. "Yup. Our All-American Virgin is going out with a smokin' hot babe that may or may not actually be smokin' hot since I haven't seen her yet."

Bruce smiles. "That's great! Are you going to ambush him to tell you about it when he gets back?"

Tony smirks. "_Oh_ yeah."

**XxX**

_March 2…_

Tony completely forgets to go ambush Steve when he gets back from his date, so he just goes to sleep at one in the morning and sets an alarm to force himself to get up right when Steve does so he can ambush him in the kitchen. He stands there with his usual glass of scotch (no he does not care that it's six in the morning; he does it all the time when he hasn't slept at all yet) until Steve comes in for his breakfast.

"_So_…" Tony says, grinning at him.

Steve yelps. "Tony! You cannot keep doing that to me! I'm old—I'll have a heart attack!"

"Whatever, whatever, I do what I want. How was your date?"

He sighs happily. He's been on one date before this and refused to tell Tony anything, but he learned from that experience that he should just tell him right away unless he wants Tony to spy on them the entire night—he learned how to read lips a long time ago, after all.

"You don't even know," he says just as happy. "I have never seen anyone with more beautiful eyes… They were like two steaming cups of hot chocolate just staring at me all night. It was wonderful."

Tony snorts, taking a sip of his coffee. "If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date," he says, "it means you have small boobs."

"TONY!"

"Well it's true!"

Steve sighs, crossing his arms. "She's a C."

Tony bursts into laughter. "Oh, you even deduced the _cup size_? I have taught you well, my All-American Virgin."

"Shut up."

Tony smirks, resting his head against his hands. "So, are you going to go out with her again?"

Steve sighs. "Well, I want to, but I'm not sure if _she_ does…"

Tony lifts his head up and frowns. "Why wouldn't she?"

"She's into the whole Captain America thing, sure, but I don't think she'll be able to put up with the 'but what's a cell phone?' part."

Tony laughs. "That's a bit extreme, but I get what you mean. She's high tech and she wants somebody else that's high tech. Why do _you_ want her?"

Steve purses his lips and shrugs. "She seems nice. Be a great mother and all that. A classic family where all you need is love, I guess."

Tony rolls his eyes. "Steve, even I know that that's not how it works. Don't look for love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall."

Steve groans. "You're right. I don't even like her very much. It was just nice, I guess, to be distracted for a while."

"You can't use people as distractions, man. I know that too. Granted, I usually _ignore_ that particular knowledge, but still. Anyway, about love. You just have to keep trekking along until it hits you in the face, you know? _I've_ never been in love before, but I've heard about it from enough people that I'll know when Pepper and I get to that point in our relationship. Love is a lot like death. It chooses you."

Steve gives a half frown. "Not the best way you could have worded it, but thanks."

Tony grins and is about to flick his nose, but suddenly the air vent on the kitchen ceiling is lifted away, and out swings Phil—not all the way out, either. He just hangs down by his knees somehow.

Steve greets him cheerily, but Tony just gapes. "How the hell did you do that in a suit? You're an office drone! You can't do that!"

Phil smirks before doing an intricate flip and landing solidly on his feet, the air vent being put back on its own. Is Clint up there with him? They're always hanging out since Phil is his handler (he's Natasha's, too, but she's always with Thor; Tony wonders if Jane ever gets jealous about that). "The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." And he walks out without another word.

At the snicker above them, Tony knows that Clint is definitely up there.

"Ugh, this is stupid," he says, getting more scotch. "I'm going to the lab. I'm glad you had fun, Steve. You'll find somebody soon. I could help you, if you want."

Steve cringes. "Uh, no thanks. You'd hook me up with a previous one night stand."

Tony grins, walking passed him. "At least you know you'll get some."

Steve just rolls his eyes.

**OoOoOoO**

_NATASHA  
March 2…_

The redheaded super assassin wakes up snuggled in warm arms. She knows these arms so well that she doesn't even flinch. She's not the type of person that wakes up disoriented anyway. How could she mistake Thor's arms for anyone else's in the first place? They're huge.

No, Natasha and Thor are not a thing. Being in "a thing" is not, has not, and never will be Natasha's cup of tea. The blonde is with Jane. Natasha just sleeps with him—_beside_ him—because she's sick of being by herself. Maybe she doesn't want to be in love, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to have friends.

Odd as it is, she considers Thor her best friend. It was Clint before, but people change. Natasha and Clint haven't change much, but Clint hangs around with Phil a lot, and Natasha hangs around with Thor a lot. They're still the best of friends and Clint sneaks into her room through the vents so he can make sure she's doing alright, and Natasha still works out with him so he can practice for someone that's actually got a chance of killing him.

"Good morning, Lady Natasha," Thor says in his deep, tired voice that would make most people swoon. Natasha just thinks she's cute. Just because she doesn't want to be in love doesn't mean she's a heartless bi—okay, well, it doesn't mean that she can't have a good time every now and again, and Thor is full of them. The way he views life as one big playground and always wants to learn how Midgardian things work is adorable. She had to teach him how to ride a bike about a year ago.

"Morning, blondie," she says, rolling out of his arms to stretch. "You ready for the park?"

"I must first visit Anthony."

She frowns, swinging out of bed in her pajama shorts and tank top. "What for?"

"He wishes to conduct some experiments on Mjölnir."

"Ah, right, the scientist in him. Are you okay with leaving it with him while we ride around the park?"

"Yes, I believe there will be no threat to us around the grass and webbed quakers."

Natasha grins, going over to where she keeps her clothes. She stopped trying to teach him to say "ducks" a long time ago. "Alright, good. Get dressed and I'll meet you outside of your room." His armor takes a million years longer to get on over his underclothes.

Natasha walks into his room just as he's fastening his cape. She's gotten a lot better at wearing things besides her bodysuit in the last four years since the "Loki incident". She'd call it a war, but some members of their ragtag team of Avengers have been in multiple wars, so they all have to be more specific than that. It being the still chilly beginning of March, she's dressed in faded blue jeans, a bright yellow tank top under a bright red sweatshirt, plus an orange scarf (fire, yay) and her classic colored low-top Converse. She tries to buy a lot of bright civilian clothes since she's always in dark clothes (or red) for her SHIELD jobs. It's not exactly that she's sick of dark colors, she just…she wants a change. Being in the Avengers was the first big change, so it's where she decided to start.

Tony is alone in the lab when she and Thor get down to him, and he doesn't notice when they punch in the key code and walk in.

"Hey, Tone," Natasha says, resting the urge to throw the pen on the table beside her at him.

Tony looks up to see her and Thor. "Heyuh**, **sweet thing," he says, throwing her a wink before nodding at Thor. Natasha just rolls her eyes. "What brings you two down here?"

"Mjölnir," Thor says.

Tony blinks at him. "I'm sorry, what?"

"The hammer," Natasha says, pointing at the weapon in Thor's hand.

Thor holds it up before setting it onto the table. "You said you would like to try and figure the reason for why nobody but I can lift it but it is also able to rest on something as weak as the ping pong table."

"Oh, right!" Tony says, going over to it with a pointy device Natasha knows will shoot out little jabs of electricity if he pushes the button on the side. "I also wanted to"—he taps it and trails off, eyes widening. "Will you look at this?"

"What is it?" Thor asks.

"It's gorgeous technology from a civilization different from our own." He taps it with the wrench he's holding, a little spark of blue energy sparking off. "Oh, my god. That is the sexiest thing I've ever seen."

Natasha laughs, taking Thor's hand. "Come on, Thor. Let's leave Tony to come in his pants on his own."

Thor frowns, letting her pull him even though she'd never be able to move him if she tried without his help. "Come in his pants?"

She rolls her eyes. "Never mind, let's just get the bike and go."

It's just a one-seater bike, but Natasha has always had a thing for heights (a very important thing that she and Clint have in common), so she just rides around on Thor's shoulders a lot.

"Widow of Black," the blonde says as he rides them through the park, Natasha bending down so she doesn't get smacked in the face by a tree branch. Thor is tall enough on his own, let alone Natasha's height on his shoulders. "I must ask you a question."

Natasha sighs, bending down closer to his face. He's asked a few of these _questions_ before, and they're not always so much fun to answer. "What is it?"

"Though you laugh and smile very much, and always having a good time, you seem…quiet. I do not understand it. You are far from heartless, but sometimes it is all I know to refer to you as. Jane asks many questions about you as my friend, and I wish to know the best way to explain you to her. You are my best friend, I believe, and I want to have the most to say about you. I do not, though, and it is a bother."

Natasha sighs, playing with Thor's hair and ducking automatically for a larger branch. It is amazing how tall she is these days. "You're right. It's not that I'm heartless, it's just…that's almost the best way to explain it, isn't it? Just because somebody laughs doesn't mean they have a heart. Did you know that Loki tried possessing me once?"

Thor actually pulls the bike over and sits down at one of the benches, pulling Natasha down to sit beside him. "What did he make you do, Lady Natasha?"

Natasha sighs, looking down at her hands. "That's just it, Thor. It didn't work."

Thor is paled just a little bit when she looks back up at him. "But…it does not work on emotions. It is a device that literally _takes over the organ_. You have a heart or you would not be alive. How did it not work?"

She shrugs. "I have no idea. He didn't know either."

Thor frowns, rubbing his lips together like he does when he's thinking. "But…that would mean you truly _are_ heartless. How am I to explain you happily to Jane now?"

She gives him a sad smile. "Those who are heartless once cared too much."

He envelopes her into a hug. "Tell me everything."

"There's not really much to tell."

He leans away. "You are speaking to the elder brother of the God of Lies and Mischief and Fire. Please do not try to get around me."

She laughs. "Alright, alright, I'll tell you. When I was…oh, I think I was four…I found out that my parents worked for these secret organizations. Each for a different one, and not good ones, either. They got me into both of them. I loved them to death, of course, but when I was seven years old their organizations turned against each other, and they were sent out to kill _each other_. My mother killed my father first, but her wounds were so great that she died just a few minutes after."

She sighs deeply. Clint and Fury are the only ones that know about all of this. It's never really been a hard story for her to tell, though. She's gotten pretty good at blocking her feelings out. "Anyway, one of the organizations swooped by and picked me up, hell bent on using me as a spy. Thing is, the other organization was into that idea as well. I was like…a double agent. And not just where I spy for one side and then tell the other side stuff about them. Double as in I was two different agents.

"I was only a child, so I became friends with agents on both sides. I never told them that I was working for both sides still, but…well, they all found out anyway when I was about twelve, so they sent people after me. I knew I couldn't win if I fought, so I just put everything I could into running. They eventually just sort of…let me go, like I wasn't worth it. Came in handy, too, because I became my own party, then. I did jobs for all _sorts_ of things, including those two organizations, though they probably didn't think I was the same person. I've changed my name a lot. I have a very specific skill set."

Thor rests a hand between her shoulder blades. Well, that's probably what he was trying to do. It mostly just spans the entire width of her back. "Your past does not define you, Lady Natasha. You go on about needing to wipe out the red in your ledger, but what is the point? The moment you joined the Avenger's Initiative you were a changed person. You told me that you did not laugh often unless to pretend on a mission, nor did you enjoy the company of those like I. Now, though, you laugh more than anybody I know, and you enjoy my company more than any others. It is not your past that you should think about so often so that you can fix, but the present that you should be focused on in which you _keep_ it fixed."

Natasha grins at him, leaping forward and off of the bench. "You know what? You're right!" She spins around, acting very unlike her usual self. "Fuck the past. Nobody can change the past unless Tony figures out how to build that stupid time machine, and that's not going to happen anytime soon." She grins, jumping up to stand on the back of the bench without a single stutter in balance. "I'm cool, you're cool." She strikes a pose. "Welcome to downtown Coolsville." Another pose. "Population: us."

Thor smiles up at her, lifting up an arm with an outspread palm. Natasha steps up onto it, kicking a leg up and doing a flip into the air. Thor stands, and she lands back on his shoulders before he climbs back onto the bike.

"You're awesome, Thor," she says, bending down to kiss the top of his head. "Thank you."

"Anytime, my friend," Thor says with a laugh. "Anytime at all."

**OoOoOoO**

_CLINT  
March 2…_

Clint is gay. He's so gay he shits rainbows, pees unicorns, comes Skittles, and burps glitter. He's in love with heights, and would give anything in the world to be a real life Peter Pan, flying across the skies like the hawks that he's named after. Clint also thought he was in love with Natasha for a while, but…well, the vagina put a bit of a crimp in that idea. She hits him when he's rude and over his unhealthy obsession involving fictional villains and British television.

Clint's best friend, though, is Agent Coulson (who he calls, for reasons, Jim Moriarty when he's not around). Everyone has a "counterpart" except Steve, and he's fine on his own since he just hangs out with everyone or takes up Loki's time when Amora (Clint still hasn't figured out if they're dating or not) isn't around. Clint likes Phil the best, though. He's worked with him for years now, sometimes in the field and sometimes just reporting back to him since he's his handler. Now that Phil is the handler of _all_ the Avengers after the "Loki incident", though, Clint gets to hang out with him whenever he wants, and that's more often than not—except Saturday nights and Sunday's, since that's what Phil has off from the crazy life that is the Avengers Mansion.

Right now Clint is in the rec room, sitting in "his" corner of the gigantic couch beside where Phil is sitting in his own usual spot. Loki (who is Clint and Phil's least favorite person for the fact that Clint was taken over by him and Phil almost died because of him) is sitting over on the almost other end in his spot, except that he's lying down and taking up Thor, Natasha's, and Amora's as well.

Loki has been muttering to himself for the last ten minutes now, but he finally says something loud enough for Clint and Phil to actually hear: "I wanted _everything_," he growls.

"You can't have everything," Phil says tonelessly, eyes closed as he rests his head against the back of the couch. "Where would you put it?"

Loki looks up at him with a glare before looking away. "Everyone hates me," he mutters, rubbing his eyes.

"That's ridiculous," Clint says matter-of-factly. "Everyone hasn't met you yet."

Loki snarls and stalks out of the room, and Clint and Phil look at each other and giggle. Only a few minutes later, though, Clint gives a dramatic sigh. "Phiiiil," he whines, flopping against his side. "Now I'm booored. I don't have missions to go on and Natasha is out and about with Thoooor."

"You know what?" Phil says, pushing Clint off of him to pull out his cell phone. "When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying, 'I hid the body…now what?'"

Clint smiles brightly up at him. "Tony doesn't have your number!"

Phil winks at him before sending the message, to which Tony answers almost immediately: **Bodies? Dead bodies? I like dead bodies. We should get coffee sometime. Who is this?**

Clint and Phil have gotten pretty good at synchronized groaning from how many times Tony has ruined one of their plans.

"Alright, fine," Clint mutters, draping over Phil's lap again. "I have a two part question."

"What is it?" Phil asks, flicking his ear for taking up his personal space.

"One, what would you do if you were going to die?"

Phil makes a sound as if to answer, but Clint continues before he can:

"And two, how did you ever convince yourself you weren't?"

Phil is silent for a moment before chuckling. "You are quite a character, Barton."

Clint grins and turns over so that they can look at each other. "Yeah, I've been told."

"Hey, Clint," Bruce asks, suddenly walking into the room and plopping beside him onto the couch. "Can you help me with this math problem for a second?"

Clint cocks an eyebrow at him. "Seriously? Uh, okay." Clint is…not good at math. Is Bruce just making fun of him? It's something he'd do since Clint makes fun of his ass so often. He takes Bruce's notebook and looks at where Bruce is pointing to: _[n = Pi]: ([{n/i}1/i]/[i/{n-1}])(n^2)/1_

Clint just _stares_ at it for a long time before looking up at Bruce and saying, "Do you know that awesome feeling when you finally understand math?"

Bruce frowns. "Huh?"

"Me neither."

Phil rolls his eyes and leans over to read the problem. "The answer is forty-two," he says within about five seconds, pushing the notebook back over to Bruce.

"The only things I got out of that," Clint says, "were that Bruce needs to stop helping Tony with his cars and get back to his own thing, Phil is insane, and I now know the ultimate question!"

Natasha suddenly sprints into the room, leaping forward to straddle Clint's lap. She grabs his face between her hands and presses their noses together. "You, me, and a zombie breakout. Don't answer now. But be careful not to wait too long either." And then she's gone, flipping over the couch and disappearing out of the other door.

Clint wrinkles his nose up. "What just happened?"

Right about then, Thor comes stumbling into the room, dressed up as none other than a zombie.

Phil grins. "Clint, I think I know what we're going to do today."

"And what's that, Phil?" Clint asks.

"We're going to run like hell, agent."

"A very good idea, sir."

**OoOoOoO**

_STEVE  
March 3…_

Steve walks into the kitchen to get himself some lunch. First, though, Tony just woke up about an hour ago, so he's down in the lab now. And what's today? Why, today is Tony's forty-seventh birthday, of course!

Steve opens up the coms hooked into the wall that goes down to the lab and, before Jarvis can say anything, yells very loud, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

The com comes on a double-way, being that you don't have to hold the button for it to stay on and you can both talk at once. "Fuck you," Tony growls.

"Oh, don't be like that, Tony," Steve says with a grin. He loves tormenting the older-but-technically-younger man. "You're all about statistics, right? Well, statistics have shown that those who have the most birthdays live the longest."

"I don't have birthdays," Tony mutters in reply. "I level up."

"But birthdays are good for you!" Bruce says cheerily. Obviously he's gotten up as well."The more you have, the longer you live!"

"Mother of Odin!" Tony whines, and then he's clicking off the coms.

Steve chuckles and turns around to go get that food, but he pauses when he sees that somebody is under the table. He bends down, raising an eyebrow at the scene: Loki is sitting underneath it, knees pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around them.

"What are you doing under the table?" he asks, squatting down to talk to him easier. "Are you…are you hiding?"

"Yes," Loki says simply.

"Well what are you hiding _from_?"

"Everything bad in the world."

Steve snorts. "And you think that's going to help?"

Loki doesn't even blink. "Nothing bad has happened to me since I've been here."

Steve blinks at him for at least a minute before crawling under and sitting beside him. "It is rather nice down here," he says at length.

"Yup," Loki says. "Good thing the table's pretty high since we're pretty tall."

"Yup, that too. We hardly have to crouch at all."

"Yup. You should help me get Bruce and Tony together."

"Yup, I'll—" He cuts off with a snort. "I'm sorry, what?"

Loki doesn't look over at him. "Bruce and Tony. You know, the Hulk and Iron Man? I think they'd be good for each other."

Steve frowns. "You…really? Why?"

"Well, Tony hangs out with Bruce more than Pepper anyway, not to mention Tony is always referring to them as 'Science Boyfriends'. Tony flirts with everything even though he's with Pepper, and I think that's a sign that he's not really sure if he really wants to be with her."

Steve purses his lips in thought. "Well, he and her _are_ always arguing about something or another…"

"And whenever she takes Amora and I shopping she complains about him."

Steve nods. "You know what? I think you're right."

Loki finally turns to smile at him. "I know. Now shush and enjoy the silence. It never happens around here anymore."

Steve nods, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, sitting just like Loki is.

**OoOoOoO**

_BRUCE  
March 3…_

Bruce walks into the kitchen (having been sent up by Tony to get them each some coffee) whistling happily to himself, but it sort of dies away when he sees something under the table. Loki is sitting underneath it, his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them. And there's Steve, sitting right beside him in the same position.

"Uh…" he says, standing back up. "I don't want to know."

And if that doesn't help situations, Clint walks in wearing just a pair of sweats and a white button up long sleeve that is _very_ obviously Phil's. Did they…? No way, they didn't.

"Morning!" he says brightly, not offering any explanation to Bruce's confused face.

Bruce raises an eyebrow. "What are you—are you dressed in—did you and Phil—?"

Clint shrugs. "I made the mistake of asking myself the 'WWJMD' question."

"That _almost_ made sense to me."

"What Would Jim Moriarty Do?"

Bruce cocks an eyebrow. "And…?"

"Is it clever?"

Bruce frowns. "Dressing like that? No."

Clint smirks. "Then Moriarty doesn't give a shit. But, is it enough to make Sherlock touch himself over it?"

"I—what?"

Clint nods with a smile. "Then yes, without fail, Moriarty would do it."

Bruce doesn't really know what else to say, but that's okay, because Phil walks in at that precise moment and gets a good look at Clint's outfit.

"Heyuh, Jim!" Clint says brightly.

Right about then, two voices scream from underneath the table. From Steve, "OH MY GODS", and then Loki repeating, "EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD!" over and over again as they sprint out of the room.

Clint and Phil stare after them before looking over at Bruce.

"Don't look at me," he mutters, turning around to get the glasses of coffee he came in for. "I didn't ask." He doesn't ask about the whole Jim Moriarty/Phil Coulson thing either, because Clint probably doesn't want it brought up.

_ And to think_, Bruce thinks, leaning against the counter, _I stay here by CHOICE._

He sighs out loud, turning back to Clint and Phil, who are… Oh. Gone. Okay.

"Of all the things I've lost," he says, turning back around, "I miss my mind the most."

The cupboard door that's under the sink opens. "Yeah?" somebody says, crawling out. "I'll totally grab it for you if I find it." She grabs a sharpie out of a drawer and…wow, Tony is going to kill her. She starts writing something on the wall.

Bruce blinks at her. "Darcy Lewis? Did you—the cupboard—teleportation? That is not normal."

She snorts, drawing a gigantic circle underneath the words. "Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me!" She drawers some scribbles in the circle before putting the sharpie back. "Hey, tell Loki his daughter is looking for him if you see him, yeah?" And she…

Bruce rubs his eyes and looks harder, but yeah, she's gone. She literally just crawled through the circle in the wall. He looks harder at the words:

_Hole to another universe…  
Come on in!_

"My poor head," Bruce whispers, pressing his palms to his eyes.

Tony walks in, then. "Dude, what is taking you so long just getting coffee?"

Bruce just bursts into tears and sinks down against the cupboards. Tony is at his side instantly, rubbing his back.

"Gods, Brucey, what happened?"

"EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD!" he wails, and Tony just blinks at him before nodding.

"Yeah, okay, time for bed," he says, helping Bruce up. "Come on, naps are beautiful."

Bruce sniffs in deeply. "Yeah? Sleeping? No more thinking?"

"Yeah, no more thinking at all. It'll just be—"

At that precise moment—the worst moment in the world—there's movement over by the hole that Darcy crawled into, and Bruce looks over to see a short little man in a red plumbers outfit with a red hat that has a big white Maria on the front sticking his head out.

"Oh my," he says in an Italian accent. "This is definitely not the right castle." And he quick backs up, disappearing.

Bruce starts crying again.

**OoOoOoO**

_PHIL  
March 5…_

Phil's job is…well, it's tough. He has to take care of the six craziest superheroes you ever did hear of, plus Loki and sometimes Amora (who nobody can ever seem to figure out if they're dating or not)—which is the pits, because he'd rather just kill Loki and be done with him. Maybe not _kill_ him, but at least make him go through what Phil did… He can't be a "real" agent because of him anymore. Why Fury put him in here, though, after that, is completely beyond understandable reason. Maria doesn't get it either. His hatred for Loki got him his best friend, after all, so why not?

Speaking of Clint, he always finds that, instead of walking around and watching everyone else closely to make sure they don't blow up half the city, Phil is usually just sitting on the huge couch in the rec room with Clint, plotting nothing important and debating whether or not he should get up and get something to drink. His wound doesn't hurt anymore, but damn, it sure did scar. Tony is in his spot, too, but he's staring at whatever is playing on the TV and has been zoned out for the last twenty minutes, so Phil knows he's not actually paying attention to anything around him.

Clint is eating away at a cherry snow cone and leaning against Phil's shoulder. Clint may be gay and he may flirt with everyone but Bruce, but Phil is sure he doesn't actually "like" anyone. He's decided that Clint isn't exactly the type of person that "likes" people.

"I don't get you, Phil," he says quietly. "You're always wearing that suit and you _are_ an office drone—just like Tony says—which means you should be serious all the time…but at the same time you're almost worse than Loki when it comes to pranks and things! Why is that?"

Phil smirks down at him. "Life is too important to be taken seriously."

Clint leans away to smirk at him. "You are just _full_ of those, aren't you?"

"I'm an office drone, aren't I? We have built in computers. The internet is at my fingertips."

"Okay, sure, but sometimes you _do_ start taking things seriously. Like your job! You take that seriously. So is it, like, not important enough?"

"Oh no, my job's plenty important. The only way I get through it is telling myself things."

"Like…?"

He smirks again. "'Phil, if you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.' And then I smile and the serious flies out the window."

Thor barges into the room just long enough to yell, "WHAT IS WITH THIS PLANET AND MUTANT MONKEYS!" before running back out, followed swiftly by Natasha skidding to a halt in front of the open door and yelling after him that she's sick of being "it".

Phil chuckles. Natasha is…well, Phil hasn't always known about her true nature, but he just had to get to know her first. Maybe she seems like the "Black Widow" at first, killing people for a living, but she's actually got quite the sense of humor in those bones.

Natasha comes into the rec room breathing heavily, flopping into her spot on the far other end of Clint's spot and snapping Tony out of his stupor in the process. "Thor is a god and I don't like it," she mutters.

"You need a man in your life, Nat," Tony says, flopping over so that his head is resting in her lap.

She rolls her eyes, grabbing the remote and flipping through the channels. "I have _plenty_ of men in my life, thank you very much."

He rolls his eyes too. "Not _us_ men. A man that you can sleep with."

"Every man I've ever slept with is dead."

"Yeah, because you killed them. Don't be so uptight."

She sighs, setting the remote down. "Maybe I'm just waiting for the right guy to bump into me one day, you know?"

Clint snorts. "Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up and go find him. The poor idiot may be stuck in a tree or something."

Maria suddenly walks in, a notebook tucked under her arm and a pen behind her ear. Phil knows that she writes, he just doesn't know what she writes _about_. "Sometimes,"she says, "your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil."

"Geez, 'Ria!" Tony says, nudging her with his foot as she takes her usual spot beside Phil. "You gotta get out more too! You come, go to a club…have a few drinks…see a few people!"

"I like people how I like my coffee," she replies, pulling her feet up to rest on the couch so nobody can see the words on her notebook. "I don't like coffee."

Tony groans. "You are so _mean_, you know that?"

"Being nice to people is just like smoking. It's best if you never start."

Tony rolls off of the couch to stand with a frown. "One day, Hill, the world is going to end, and you're going to regret working for Fury all of your life. And on that day…" He wags his finger at her. "I hope I'm there to see it. But seriously, next time I go to a club I am totally making Fury give you some time off so you can come with us. Pick out something hot!"

Maria nods and gives a ghost of a smile, but as soon as he turns away she goes back to her stone statue look.

Clint chuckles. "You're really going to go?"

Phil laughs, knowing that that answer is a definite no, and Maria grins at him. "I have a little saying, agent, that has gotten me quite far in life."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway."

He laughs. "Yeah? And what are you gonna do?"

Phil snorts a little. "She's definitely going to go."

Maria's stone expression doesn't even change as she snatches up Clint's snow cone and smashes it on the top of Phil's head.

Phil prides himself in being able to keep a straight face, but the look of absolute astonishment that he feels pop onto his face must be priceless if Clint bursting into laughter has anything to do with it. He also quick runs out of the room, which is a smart move, because a fight between two of SHIELD's top agents should not be on his list of priorities to be even remotely close to. Leaving the state—no, the country—no, the _continent_ would probably be a rather good idea right about now. At least it's not one involving Phil and Natasha, or nobody would be safe unless they cleared the atmosphere—and that's at the very least.

"Oh, it is _on_," Phil says, scooping the flavored ice off of his head.

Maria actually giggles before running off. She is one brave woman.

**OoOoOoO**

_MARIA  
March 6…_

The next night, Maria finds herself sitting in a booth with a silent Thor and Natasha in "the best dancing club in town" (according to Tony, at least), her notebook open and her pen still stuck behind her ear. Of _course_ she ended up coming—but only because Steve is here as well. Natasha remembers the first time that she saw him… Phil had been gushing about his trading cards, and…well, if she recalls correctly, the first thing that ran through her head when she saw him was, _Sweet baby Jesus, Coulson was not exaggerating_. And she's had a crush ever since. The problem is, Steve doesn't like her back. She knows he's still nursing the wounds he got from losing all of his friends in the forties, including his lost love, Margaret "Peggy" Carter. She was still alive (though retired) when Steve was brought back, but she died just over a year ago. Maria doesn't know if Steve even knew about any of it.

Now she's just trying to overcome her writers block, bored to death. She agreed to be the designated driver for the night, carting the _ that came to the club with her, Tony, and Steve (being Phil, Natasha, Clint, Thor, Loki, Amora—Fury never comes, Pepper is doing paperwork, Maria doesn't really know Happy, and Bruce is sleeping) back to the mansion. She'll just stay over in one of the guest bedrooms tonight, 'cause who _knows_ how late Tony will keep all of them out. If the way he's having a karaoke duet with Amora up on the stage right now has anything to say, though, it'll be until closing time.

Maria sighs, looking over at Steve sitting with Loki at the bar, drinking something she can't tell the contents to from here. She knows that the only reason he drinks is because he can't _get_ drunk—he's tried, too, and they just had to take him to the hospital and get his stomach pumped because of alcohol poisoning.

Who knows where Clint is. Dancing somewhere…

Phil suddenly slides in to sit across from her.

"How are you?" he asks.

She shrugs, sipping at her margarita. "Kinda bored."

He nods, looking over at Natasha. "What about you, agent?" he asks.

She shrugs, leaning against Thor's side. Phil doesn't ask him, which is just fine since he's been sitting there letting his drink get warm since they got here. He probably just misses Jane. "The same," she says, taking Thor's drink and setting it right back down when she feels how warm it really is.

Phil nods, looking over at Maria. "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

Natasha smirks at him. "You know what I think? I think Loki's got some competition over here."

Loki pops up out of nowhere, and Steve is looking around in confusion until he sees him at the booth and starts laughing. Maria wishes she could hear him from here over all of the noise…

"I challenge you, Agent Coulson," Loki says darkly, leaning against the table (Thor has finally looked up now, a hopeful smile on his face; maybe he doesn't miss Jane…maybe he misses his brother), "to a mischief duel!"

Phil smirks and crosses his arms. "I accept. State your terms, Laufeyson."

Loki smirks back. "Follow me."

They go off (to which Thor sighs at and looks back down at his warm drink), and Maria finds that she's actually a little bit frightened as to what's going to happen.

Natasha suddenly frowns, looking over at Maria, and scoots closer. "Is that a notebook?"

"No," Maria says. "It's a time bomb. Why?"

"Hey, those are words!"

"Yes, and those are lines around it."

"I didn't know you wrote!"

Maria shrugs. "It's a spare time thing, which I don't have much of."

"You totally have to let me read it," she says, reaching for it.

"You wish," Maria chucles, yanking it away. Natasha may be fast, but Maria is a trained agent too.

"Oh, come on, normal people let their friends…okay, their _colleagues_ read their writing."

"Writers aren't exactly people…" she muses, closing it. "They're a whole bunch of people trying to be one person. Besides. I am definitely not normal. Being normal is boring."

"Yeah, well, _nobody_ is boring because boring is normal, so join the club and let me see your damn writing."

"I'd hold back if I were you, Nat," Steve says, having walked over. He slides in beside Thor, on the opposite side of Maria. she forces herself not to sigh.

"Party pooper," Natasha mutters.

Steve shrugs. "She doesn't let anybody read her stuff."

Maria eyes widen a little. Steve noticed? Should she be touched? Yeah, she's touched.

"Oh, so it should be a lost cause, then?"

Maria frowns, suddenly realizing what's going on. "You two are just trying to get me to let you read it."

Steve nods, giving her one of his breathtaking smiles. "My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's."

Maria rolls her eyes, but before she can say anything, everything in the entire club turns off. The lights, the music…everything. Followed, though, is Loki's creepy laugh: "Ehehehe! Peasants!"

Then everything comes right back on, and none of Maria, Natasha, Steve _or_ Thor jump at all when they see that Loki is sitting beside Steve now (the booth is very large, for big groups like theirs).

"That was your prank?" Natasha asks, cocking an eyebrow.

Loki shrugs. "I wanted to make it easy for the agent."

The next thing, though, there's a very loud Indian holler, and raining down from the little balcony above everyone is…

"Are those pies?" Thor asks.

"Yes," Steve says, reaching down to the floor and picking up a splattered one as everyone in the club is screaming and running off of the floor to escape being hit. "Yes it is."

Loki frowns, and everyone at the table laughs.

"I hate to break it to you," Natasha says, reaching across to take his hand, "but you just lost."

Maria smiles as Loki starts cursing in Norse before disappearing. Maybe she won't let anybody read her writing, but at least she's having an alright time now.

**OoOoOoO**

_STEVE  
March 9…_

Steve whistles as he walks into the kitchen, coming back in to refill his cup of coffee. He's just in the dining room working on some paperwork after his latest mission. It was a short one; he was only gone for a couple of days. He left the morning after Tony dragged most of them clubbing, and he just got back last night.

When he walks inside, though, he sees Tony just leaning against the counter, his hand brought up to his hanging head to pinch the bridge of his nose

Steve frowns, setting down his empty mug. "Tony, man, are you okay? You look like you haven't gotten sleep since I've been gone."

"I haven't," Tony mutters.

He frowns deeper. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"I'm serious. I just can't sleep."

"Don't make me cuss at you."

Tony sighs. "Okay, okay, Pepper and I got into a fight about going clubbing without her and we haven't talked sense and I don't know what to do about it."

Steve sighs. "Tony, you've gotten into argument about going without her before… Just talk to her."

Tony looks at him with narrowed eyes. "You don't get it, obviously. I've tried, okay? You think I don't remember all of the other fights we've had? I know what I'm supposed to do, but she's ignoring me. She won't answer my calls or texts and she hasn't even come over to have me sign anything. She just sends them over with Loki…"

"Loki runs errands for her?"

"Yeah, I—I don't know, he's been helping her out with some things. Maybe it's for all the times she's taken him and Amora shopping… It doesn't matter; I don't want to think too hard about it."

"Well…" Steve racks his brain for an idea. Maybe Loki convinced him that Tony should be with Bruce instead of Pepper, but that doesn't mean he wants Tony to be miserable. "Maybe you could get _him_ to help you out with it? He could stall Pepper to make her stay around at the building until you can get to her."

Tony snorts. "Yeah, right. He likes her way more than he likes me."

Steve sighs again, debating whether or not he should—eh, he will anyway. "Tony, can I tell you something?"

He sighs, dropping his head down again and rubbing at the back of his neck. "Sure. I might not listen, but you can tell me."

"I think you and Pepper should break up."

Tony snaps his head back up to glare again. "Reason. Explain. Now."

Steve holds his hands up so he doesn't get hit. "You've been having problems like this for months, now," he starts. "All you do is sit down in the lab with Bruce or argue with Clint about which Chinese restaurant Natasha should order from when she doesn't even take either of your ideas into consideration. Maybe you should…you know…" He lowers his arms and trails off, not really sure if now is the right time to voice his idea of Tony getting together with Bruce.

Tony sighs, looking away. "Steve, I get that you're trying to help, but…don't. Okay? Please. I just…I don't care. If she's not going to answer my calls then I'll stop calling her. She's seen my calls and gotten my texts, so when she's ready she can talk to me herself. We'll work it out; we always do."

Steve sighs too. He does that a lot when Tony's having little problems like this. "I'm not going to leave you alone about it, Tone. You need help with this. It's been happening for ages and I don't want it to continue. It's not fair to either of you."

Tony narrows his eyes. "Fuck you. I'm rich, I'll do it how I want!"

Steve gives up after that. As soon as Tony brings up money, he's shut himself down to the outside world. So he stands up straight and puts his coffee cup into the sink instead of refilling it before saying quietly, "You know what, Stark? Some people are so poor, all they have is money." And he walks away before Tony has a chance to comment.

The man runs out after him, though, grabbing his arm and whirling him around. Or attempting to, anyway. Steve's just so used to him that he whirls around for him.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" he snaps.

Steve rolls his eyes. "Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. You can't use your money as an excuse to be right all the time, you know. People get sick of it sometimes." He continues walking.

Tony doesn't follows him.

**OoOoOoO**

_TONY  
March 9…_

Tony stumbles angrily into the lab, Steve's coffee mug in his hands. He just refilled his instead of getting his own. He's shared so many things with Steve that it doesn't even faze him.

Bruce frowns when he sees him before giving him a sad look. "She's still not talking to you?"

"No," Tony mutters, sitting down on the floor beside him.

"That's Steve's mug, isn't it? Did he just try and make you feel better?"

"Uh…sort of, I think. He voiced his opinion on my and Pepper's relationship."

"Which is…?"

"That we should break up. Something about it not being fair to either of us and that I'm really poor because I'm too rich."

Bruce nods and takes the mug. "How about you try talking in English for a little while, yeah?"

Tony sighs, letting Bruce take it. "Bruce, I just…I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act. I don't love her, I know that, but I'm really fucking close because I know her so well, you know? I don't know if I could get any closer to loving anybody else… I mean, I guess there's you, but I like boobs so no offence. I don't know what to do, but all I can do is be _me_." He drags his hands down his face. "Whoever that is."

"None taken," Bruce says, flitting his wrist at him. "But about not knowing who you are… _I_ know who you are. You're Tony fucking Stark, genius billionaire not-actually-ex-playboy philanthropist. So just be yourself, and if you end up with no friends…good for you."

Tony gives him a warm smile. "You know what? That didn't actually help very much, but it did just a little, so thank you."

Bruce smiles back. "To a great mind, nothing is little."

"Should I… What do you think, Brucey? Do _you_ think that we should break up?"

Bruce gives a very small look and averts his eyes. "I don't think I should have an opinion on a relationship that I'm not involved in."

Tony sighs, taking his coffee back. "That's a yes, then. I'll go talk to her today, okay? I'm not going to break up with her, but we'll at least have a talk. I'm…not very good at talking, and she knows how bad I am and doesn't try it on her own." He sighs again. "I wish you did have boobs, Bruce. You'd be, like, the girl of my dreams."

Bruce gives that same small look before smiling. "Sorry."

Tony laughs, downing the coffee. "What time is it? Three? She should still be in the office. I'll sneak up there so she can't get away from me. Hopefully Loki doesn't tip her off…"

Bruce frowns. "Loki?"

Tony flits his wrist as he stands. "Never mind."

**XxX**

_March 9…_

Tony doesn't know how he does it, but he makes it up to Pepper's office without Loki or anyone else giving him away. Pepper stares at him with wide eyes before glaring at him, pointing to the chair in front of her desk.

"Sit," she says darkly.

"I've been _trying_ to," Tony mutters, obeying.

"Don't even _think_ about staring this out with an argument, you—"

"_Me_? _You're_ the one that hasn't let me talk to you for the last two and a half days! I've called you eight times on both your work and cell phones _and_ sent you twelve text messages and you haven't even _acknowledged_ them! What the hell am I supposed to do with that?"

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT FOR ME, DAMMIT."

Tony falls silent, just staring at her for a moment. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She sighs, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. "You're supposed to just want _me_, Tony. That's how a relationship works. Instead, though, you still go out to clubs and you still dance with random strangers and you still get drunk off your ass until you don't even know who I am."

He frowns. "Hey now, I don't drink very much any—"

"Save it," she says, holding her hand up to silence him. "I thought you would change, Tony."

Tony narrows his eyes a little, remembering how he was just talking to Bruce about how he could only be himself, even if he didn't know exactly who that was. "I love the way you make me feel terrible for being myself."

She sighs, averting her eyes. "Maybe you need to change, Tony, because I'm not going to fall in love with someone who presses his dick against other asses."

Tony cringes. She has a…well, a very good point. "I can change that part. I can stop. I'll do the karaoke and I'll have the drinks, but I'll recruit Steve to make sure I don't do anything else—Phil, too, since it's technically his job to watch out for me."

She looks back over at him with a sad smile. "Why is it that the only way we have any ounce of peace about us, we just end up fighting?"

Tony shrugs and rubs his eyes. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

Pepper rolls her eyes a little. "Says the man who wears a suit of titanium alloy and fights villains to bring peace to the country."

Tony frowns. "I thought we were _complaining_ about it, and now you're mad at me for agreeing with you?"

"Tony, you're an Avenger!" she snaps, ignoring the _I'm agreeing with you_ part. "That's your _job_! To _fight_! To protect me and everybody else!"

Tony frowns deeper. "You expect me—a normal human being who can die just as easily as everybody else—to just fly out there all willy-nilly and save the world _again_?"

"Of course I do!" she says. "I expect you to get out there and save my ass like you have for years because _you're_ always the one that puts me into those situations! I expect you to save the world like you're _supposed to_! You _created_ yourself to be a hero, for goodness sake! Would you _grow up_?"

Tony licks his lips, forcing himself not to yell back. "You know, I know this super soldier who's talked to me about stuff like this, and I'm going to take it to heart. Because I would die for you, but if you _ask_ me to…" He looks down at the ground and takes a deep breath before looking back up at her. "You're not worth it." And he stands and walks out, refusing to look back at her dropped jaw, and refusing to show her his face as he's holding back tears.

**OoOoOoO**

_STEVE  
March 9…_

Steve likes whistling, but he's staring to realize that it might not be a good idea. This time, when he walks into Tony's room to ask where he's put all of his boxing gloves, Tony is just leaning against the wall in the same position he was against the counter. Bruce told him that he went to talk to Pepper, so obviously something did…not go well.

"Tony, are you—" But he cuts off, because wow. "Holy crap, your room is a _mess_."

"One of the advantages of being disorderly," Tony says very quietly, "is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries."

He sighs, bending down to pick a few things. "You should still clean it up…"

"Why would I do that? I'm almost never even in here except to sleep."

"Doesn't Pepper get annoyed?" Wait, no, that's not what he wants. Something obviously went wrong when they spoke, and Steve…ugh, he really needs to think before he speaks. He usually does, but Tony doesn't, so he sort of adapts when he's around the man.

Tony was reaching down to pick a few things up as well, but he stops dead.

Steve presses his lips into a thin line. "Tony? Is there something you want to tell me?"

"Nope," he says, continuing to shove things around. "You're in here for the boxing gloves, right? I can find them."

Steve grabs his arm and pushes him onto the bed. "Start talking."

Tony rolls his eyes, flopping down onto his back. "I broke up with her."

Steve's jaw drops and he sits down too. "Tony, why didn't you tell me right away?!"

He flops an arm over his eyes. "I didn't tell anybody. I don't even think Jarvis knows since it happened in her office without his censors around."

"I suspected, sir," Jarvis says politely.

Tony smiles up at a sensor strip. "I figured you did."

"Wait, let me get this straight," Steve says, lying down beside him. "_You_ broke up with _her_?"

"Well…sort of. She, uh… I don't know, she was being contradictory and getting mad at me for being myself and she expected me to risk my life for everybody and I told her that if she expects it then she's not worth it."

Steve blinks at him. "You took my advice?"

"She was practically asking for it! I couldn't stand…" He trails off and sighs. "I don't know, I walked out. It wasn't officially said, but I'm pretty sure I got my point across. She hasn't tried to contact me yet and it's been a few hours, so I know that she understood what I meant."

Steve sighs. "I know it was my advice, Tony, but I didn't mean for you to use it to her _face_. It was just some helpful advice."

"Yeah, well, your 'helpful advice' was to break up with her in the first place, so shut up and be happy about it already."

Steve drops his head to the bed, giving a sad smile. "It's no wonder this room got so messy, then. You came in here and threw a tantrum, didn't you?"

Tony wrinkles his nose up and sits up. "I did not."

"Tony, I can see your floor in exactly two places. You threw a tantrum."

"No I di—"

"He did, sir," Jarvis says.

Tony glares up at the censors. "Traitor."

Steve grins, flicking his ear. "You're going to be okay, right?"

Tony sighs, pushing himself into a sitting position. "Yeah, I'll be alright. Alright enough, anyway. Life is a sea of tears, but I've got me a snorkel and a treasure map!"

Steve chuckles, sitting up to give Tony a hug. "You're an idiot, but I love you. Now come on." He stands. "We have boxing gloves to dif for."

**OoOoOoO**

_BRUCE  
March 12…_

Bruce knows that something is wrong, he just doesn't know _what_. He's not used to not knowing things. He doesn't like it.

"So," he says to Tony as they're down in the lab at about three-thirty in the morning, attempting his hand at small talk and deciding that he's already failed. "How's your relationship with Pepper going?" He wants it to be going good. He really does, because he wants Tony to be happy. There are three kinds of heartbreak, after all, and Bruce is at the third, and also the worst: watching somebody you love be happy with somebody else.

"My relationship is like an iPad," Tony says from behind the car he's working on.

Bruce frowns. "But…you don't—"

"I don't have an iPad. Precisely."

Bruce isn't sure how he should react. Tony is unhappy, but Tony is available!—and straight. So he turns his mixed feelings into a pained gasp. "Tony, why didn't you tell me? That's terrible! What happened?"

Tony sighs, sitting up so that Bruce can see him. "I don't want to talk about it, okay? Because _I_ broke up with _her_ and it was a stupid reason and I feel like an asshole. More so than I usually do, which is a lot. Maybe everything happens for a reason… But sometimes that reason is that you're stupid and you make bad decisions."

Bruce gives him a sad smile and goes around the car to sit beside him. "Will you tell me what happened?"

Tony sighs, and he does. About "cornering" Pepper in her office and arguing with her about clubbing and something about fighting for virginity, and about telling her that she's not worth it because she expects something and then walking out on her. Then he adds:

"I know I'm not going to die like an ordinary person, but…I don't know, I wanted to decide that for myself and she wasn't letting me."

"But what if you do die the next time you're out?" Bruce asks, knowing better than to take Tony's tools out of his hands as he's talking. He'll just get a gash in his head, and then the Hulk will come out and Tony will get a gash in _his_. "What then?"

Tony shrugs. "I am ready to meet my maker," he says. "Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter, so I think I'm safe."

Bruce cocks an eyebrow. "I thought you were an Atheist."

"I am. Shut up. Let me sulk."

Bruce just sighs, though, because he knows very well that Tony is…well, tired. Very tired. Tired of life. He reaches out and rests a hand on Tony's shoulder. "Tony, I know you don't want to…you know…continue."

Tony gives him a very sad look. The pain in his eyes is excruciating. He didn't want to break up with Pepper even though he was the one that did it. He regrets it. He's nowhere _nears_ available… "I have no desire to actually be dead, but sometimes being alive is such a drag."

Bruce leans forward and gives him a hug, tools and all. "It's going to be okay, Tony. You can get her back. I can even help you, if you want." Wow, that really hurt to say…

Tony sighs deeply, but before he can speak, Steve's voice comes on over the com, and the straight look at Tony Stark's heart is closed up with iron and fire.

"Tony, Bruce, good lord, are you two still up?" Steve's voice asks. "It's four in the morning, and you were up till seven yesterday! How is that even possible? I'm only up to go to the bathroom."

"We're night people," Bruce says, speaking first so Tony doesn't have to.

Steve is silent for a moment. "Night people? What's that supposed to mean?"

Tony gives a smile that doesn't reach anywhere near his eyes. "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter."

He turns off the com and sighs. "I think I'm going to go to bed."

Bruce nods, letting go of him. He didn't even realize they were still holding on to each other. "I'm going to stay down here for a while longer."

Tony nods and stands, dropping everything and just leaving it there. He walks slowly out of the lab and up the stairs until Bruce can't see him anymore.

Bruce sighs, leaning against the car. Maybe there are more than three kinds of heartbreak, because Bruce's heart feels like it's going to explode… It can be kind three and a half…it's when you love someone, and they don't love you back, and the only thing you can do to make them happy is by doing something you don't want to do.

**OoOoOoO**

_STEVE  
March 12…_

The moment Steve hangs up on him, Steve waits in his room for five minutes before getting up and going straight to Tony's room. He knows Tony is not okay, not matter how much he pretends he is when he's around more than one person.

Tony is lying on his bed, his room still a mess, with a bottle of scotch tilted up to his mouth.

Steve all but growls at him without words, snatching the bottle away and putting the lid back on. "Tony, this is unacceptable. _You_ broke up with _her_. Alcohol is man's worst enemy in this kind of situation!"

Tony frowns, trying to take the bottle back. "Alcohol may be man's greatest enemy," he slurs, "but the Bible says to love your enemies."

Steve rolls his eyes. "You're an Atheist. You've almost never even read it before."

Tony gives up and just flops back onto his bed. "'Almost never' is an interesting concept."

"Tony, quit being an asshole!"

Tony's eyes widen. "Did you… Did you just… You swore! You actually swore at me!"

Steve rolls his eyes. At least he got his attention. "Tony, please, you're smarter than this."

"Being smart is useless without someone to be smarter than."

"Tony, you're literally smarter than everyone that lives in the mansion, and we've got some smart people here…"

"I messed up, okay?!" Tony yells, throwing his arms up into the air. "Can't you get that through you're fucking head?"

Steve sighs, putting a hand on Tony's shoulder. "Listen to me for a second, Tone. I'm Captain America here. So you made a mistake… Who cares? This is America—this is _New York_—and freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."

Tony sighs as well, pushing Steve's hand away from him. "That _would_ be your advice. Don't you have anything better? Something that I can do to fix it?"

Steve shrugs. "Tony, I didn't think it was going to work out anyway. There happens to be another around here, though, that I think you'd get along with _perfectly_."

**OoOoOoO**

_TONY  
March 12…_

Tony frowns in confusion, but Steve just winks before turning around and sauntering out of his bedroom—literally sauntering—with his bottle of scotch tucked under his arm.

"Let me tell you," Loki says, appearing out of nowhere (to which Tony would usually be mad at, but he's so used to it now that it doesn't even matter), "Hips do not lie."

Tony wrinkles his nose up. "He's not talking about himself, is he? Because…ew."

"Of course he's not," Loki scoffs. "How blind _are_ you?"

Tony frowns. "I have twenty-twenty vision, thank you very much. Do you know who he's talking about?"

"Of course I know who's talking about. I'm the one that planted the idea in his head."

"…and are you going to tell me, or should I guess."

Loki gives a somewhat terrifying smirk. "Steve and I think that you should get together with Bruce."

Tony bursts into laughter. "Loki, seriously, you sound like Steve, you're killing me. You both know that I like women. I mean, come on, don't you know what my reputation was?"

"Jarvis told us that you said you _could_ love him, though," Loki says.

Tony frowns up at Jarvis' censors. "Did he, now? Well, reindeer games, that doesn't mean I _will_. It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out?"

Loki sets his hand on Tony's shoulder and stares him straight in the eyes, which is creepy all in itself. "Ah, but what if it does?"

Ton sighs. "Lo', there are all different kinds of love in the world—"

"But never the same love twice."

"I'm going to hit you even though it will hurt me more than it hurts you if you keep finished my sentences. _Why_ do you guys want us to get together?"

Loki snorts. "You seriously can't see how perfect you two would be together? Stark, you complete each other! In terms that you would understand, you're a USB port and he's the flash drive!"

Tony bursts into laughter. "Okay, thank you, I appreciate that, but I don't think you realize what you just did."

The magician frowns. "What?"

"You made a sex joke! Except _I'd_ be the flash drive, because Tony Stark does not catch for _anybody_."

Loki gives an exaggerated eye roll. "This was supposed to be a _serious_ conversation." He sits down beside Tony. "You said that you wished he was a woman, did you not? You said he would be your dream girl. He loves you, you idiot! Who cares if you like 'boobs', you should fall in love with him because you can! Does it _matter_ that he's not a woman? Be like Clint!"

Tony frowns. "But I'm _not_ like Clint. I'm _straight_, okay?"

Loki groans. "Who _cares_? I fucked a horse and now I have a son with eight legs! Don't you _see_ it, Tony? don't you ever see the way that he looks at you?"

"_No_, because I don't want to se—"

Loki holds a hand up "The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open. You have to accept it, Anthony."

Tony frowns. "Did you just call me by my full first name?"

"Yes, and now you'll remember the entire conversation by default."

"Stand down, Loki."

Tony and Loki frown and look up at the ceiling, watching Phil swing out of the vents again. He drops down in front of them and gives Loki a tight smile. "I'll take it from here."

Loki narrows his eyes and stands. "Fine." And he disappears with a snap of his dingers.

**OoOoOoO**

_PHIL  
March 12…_

Phil crosses his arms and sits down beside Tony on his bed. He's going to fix this. It's his job to fix things about the Avengers, and he likes to think of himself as rather good at his job. He couldn't fix him and Pepper before because Tony refused to see anything wrong with it, but now he can do whatever he can. And what's the best way of getting through to Tony? Why, being cryptic and annoying, of course.

"I know you know everything that's happened," Tony says quietly, wrapping his arms around himself. "Maybe I should… I don't know. Steve wants me to break up with Pepper and get together with Bruce, and I did break up with Pepper, but…Bruce? I don't know, I just…boobs! I like boobs!" He sighs, pushing a hand through his hair. "What do you think I should do, Phil?"

Phil shrugs, pouring him some coffee. "Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

"Wow," Tony says sarcastically, looking away from him. "Thank you. Thank you, Coulson, very much for your help, but I think you should go." He starts to try and shoo him out, but stops. "What the fuck does that mean, anyway?"

Phil shrugs, standing up so he doesn't get hit. "Going back out with Pepper is just going to lead to the same problems. Going out with anyone else or even being by yourself is going to lead to all new problems. It's the circle of life, Stark. Get used to it."

"You are the worst agent in the entire world."

"Which is why you're still alive."

Tony smirks, following him. "Remember that time I was on house arrest and you totally just let me do whatever I want?"

Phil smiles back at him. "That was a _long_ time ago."

Tony laughs. "Yeah, I know, right? You were going to deal with the Thor problem, weren't you?"

"I was." He grins. "A funny thing happened on the way down, too…"

"Yeah?"

"Definitely. I stopped to get some gas, and the station got held up by these two guys. It was just the cashier, me, and them, so I kicked their asses before continuing on."

Tony laughs. "You're so awesome. The worst, but I love you."

"Does that mean you're going to talk to Pepper again to make sure everything is confirmed? You two are over, Tony, no matter what both of you would like to think."

Tony takes a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah, I'll go talk to her as soon as I wake up."

Phil smiles. "Good," he says. "No drinking, now, or I'll take away your privileges completely." And he wings back into his vent. Clint should be waiting for him a ways down. They've got a few things to send down Loki's way, in the meantime….

**OoOoOoO**

_PEPPER  
March 12…_

Pepper can't believe Tony would even show back up here. She's going to throw something at his face if he doesn't—

She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes lightly as he sits down in the chair across from her. "What are you doing here?" she asks quietly.

Tony takes his own deep breath. "I, uh… I came to apologize."

She opens her eyes to glare a little. "For what, exactly?"

"For breaking up with you in such a dick way."

She cocks an eyebrow, putting on her best façade. She's gotten very good at these lately. "Oh, so we _did_ break up? I couldn't tell. It wasn't clear enough." She's not being sarcastic. She honestly had no idea what was going on. Loki wasn't even any help."

Tony gives a very sad smile and looks away. "Maybe we could have been perfect if only we'd met when we were both too young to know better."

Pepper lets out a soft sigh. "Did you love me, Tony?"

Tony presses his lips into a tight line. "I…I don't know. I could have—I would have. But I…we didn't get that far."

She gives him the same sad smile that he gave her. "I used to dream that you did, you know, even though I viewed you the same way. But…after a while, I just…" She sighs, resting her elbow against her desk and dropping her forehead to her palm. "Sometimes I thought you might fall in love with someone else and all my problems will be solved. Except that I knew you would die for me, Tony, even if it was to prove your love for me."

Pepper feels Tony tap his foot lightly against the leg of her desk. "A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it."

She nods, looking up at him. "Is that it, then?" she asks. "Are we over now?"

He takes a deep breath and looks down at his hand. "Happy has a crush on you."

She actually smiles a little. "Odd as it sounds…thank you."

He gives her the same small smile. "You're welcome, Pepper. I really do love you, though, just…not like that. I…I mean, you still run my company. You're still going to have to get me to sign papers. I want to stay friends with you, Pepper. I mean, we can take a few weeks off from each other to breathe, but—"

"Of course we'll stay friends, Tony," she says, reaching across the desk and taking his hand. "My life would be so dull without you."

Tony grins. "Anytime, dollface."

**OoOoOoO**

BRUCE  
March 16…

"Bruce!" Tony exclaims brightly, bursting into his room.

Bruce groans. What time is it? It's only two in the afternoon. He didn't go to sleep until seven in the morning last night. Tony ditched him at about four, but Bruce just…he couldn't sleep, so he stayed down in the lab.

"What?" he mutters. Tony, Phil, and Loki are the only ones that don't make him Hulk out when they wake him up, so the others just sort of let him sleep as long as he wants to.

"It's Friday and there's a party tonight but I can't go with Pepper because we broke up and we're still not talking so we can breathe and I want to bring you because Natasha would just get me killed and I don't know Maria well enough."

Bruce blinks at him, taking a couple of seconds to process all of that. "You want me to come to a party with you?"

"Yeah, like, a boring business party, because I'm important."

He groans. Maybe he's in love with Tony, but a party? He doesn't really like people, let alone parties with lots of them that he doesn't know… "Can't you bring Steve?"

"No, he'd just give me some dumbass answer about freedom and then make a cryptic remark about how somebody around here would go better with me than Pepper did. Would you _please_ with me tonight?"

Bruce sighs. "You _know_ how I am with crowds…"

"It's basically a party for people like Steve, I promise. Upstanding, respectable, quiet citizens."

Bruce rolls his eyes and drags his hands down his face. "Fine. Fine, I'll come—but you can't leave my side all night."

"No way, I'd get myself killed. Now go back to sleep, it's not until seven tonight."

Bruce does, because six hours of sleep is nowhere near enough for him and the "other guy".

**XxX**

_March 16…_

Bruce is really starting to regret agreeing to come to this party with Tony. the idea of upstanding, respectable, quiet citizens was hard to resist, but…damn. He never realized how much he likes the disrespectful, disrespectful, loud as fuck citizens of his _own_ place of residence.

"Tony," he says quietly as they're standing off to the side of the "dance floor". "This is…boring."

Tony smirks at him. "Why do you think I invited you?"

"Seriously?"

"You know what? Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance." He holds his hand out to him, smiling a big, toothless smile.

Bruce stares at his hand for what even feels like forever to himself before finally taking it, letting Tony lead him onto the floor. "I've been drinking a bit," he says. "You know, the wine… I can't dance in the first place, so it's just going to make it worse."

"Just because you can't dance," Tony says, positioning them on the floor, "doesn't mean you shouldn't."

Bruce grins. "I'll let you lead, then."

And this is one of the many reasons that Bruce is in love. The way that Tony spins them around on the floor, not caring who's taking pictures or if there's going to be big headlines the next day about the Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist hooking up with men. And Bruce doesn't care, either, but mostly because he doesn't even read the headlines. He likes to stay away from news unless it's important to keep people safe.

The man giving the very boring speech eventually comes out, getting everyone's attention to go and sit down. Bruce almost falls asleep, and Tony actually does for a second before Bruce flicks his ear to wake him up.

"Ugh, leave me alone," he mutters, pushing him away. "I don't want anybody."

Bruce just gives a good natured eye roll and keeps trying not to fall asleep.

"Bruuuce," Tony says in a whiney voice when it's over. "Will you come and stand out on the balcony with me?" he asks quietly.

Bruce frowns and looks over at him. "I thought you wanted everybody to leave you alone."

He groans. "I don't want to _be_ alone; I want to be _left_ alone. It's different."

"Can we just leave instead?"

Tony sighs, leaning against the wall that they're standing by to think. "Yeah," he says, standing up straight. "Let's get out of here. I fucking hate business parties."

Bruce smiles and lets him drag him out, waving cheekily to anyone who looks at them. This is the man he's in love with? He's going to get himself killed _long_ before Tony gets himself…

**OoOoOoO**

_CLINT  
March 17…_

Clint walks into the kitchen (filled by Natasha, Steve, and Loki as of now), and the first thing he gets is a frown from Steve and Loki.

"Is that mine?" Steve asks.

"Are _those_ mine?" Loki asks.

Clint cocks an eyebrow at them. "Are what yours?"

"The shirt you're wearing" and "those boots, you idiot" echoes through the room.

Clint grins and sits down beside Natasha, kicking his feet up on the table. "Yup. You really shouldn't leave your clothes lying around. You'll never get them back."

Natasha chuckles. "Don't worry, guys," she says. "He's wearing my basketball shorts, too, and he's had those for at least three years now."

"But…_why_ are you wearing it?" Steve asks.

Clint shrugs. "Because I can."

Loki glowers at him, but says nothing else—not even when Clint stretches his feet over and sets them in his lap, because the god owes him for making him his bitch.

Right about then, all of Phil, Thor, Tony, and Bruce come into the kitchen as well.

Thor is frowning before he says, "So…monkeys do not actually fly?"

"Of course not," Tony says as Natasha climbs up the blonde's shoulders without any help and without the blonde moving an inch. "It's just a figure of speech. Didn't we ever make you watch The Wizard of Oz?"

"I…do not recall such a thing happening. How many other animals do you have with misleading names?"

"But it's not a misleading name," Bruce says, "it's just a figure of—"

Clint interrupts him. He could have some fun with this! "The electric eel," he says, "is not actually an eel."

"The mountain goat," Tony chimes, "is not actually a goat."

"The maned wolf," Steve adds, "isn't a wolf."

"The mayfly," Natasha says with an eye roll that says _hey why not_, "happens to also be active throughout all of the spring, and even the summer. Not just May."

"The king cobra," Phil says as he's getting himself some coffee, "is not a cobra, and snakes are typically self governing."

Natasha snorts.

"The peacock mantis shrimp," Tony says, "is not a peacock, is not a mantis, and is also not a shrimp."

"The eastern kingbird," Clint says with a grin, "is also found in the west, and most birds don't recognize any authority. Also, the horny toad isn't actually toad."

"The 'horny' is misleading as well," Phil adds as he sits down beside Clint. "He only thinks of you as a friend."

When Natasha actually falls off of Thor's shoulders in laughter, the blonde declares that that is enough and he never wants to hear about anything else remotely of the sort ever again.

"Protective fellow," Steve chirps as Tony takes Bruce's glasses and puts them on for the heck of it. He does that a lot.

"You would be too if _your_ brother tried taking over and destroy three entirely different realms," Tony says.

"Rude," Loki mutters.

"I am Clint Barton, Consulting Assassin!" Clint yells in the middle of Thor trying to reassure Loki that everything is alright. He doesn't like it when there are arguments around that he's not part of.

Natasha rolls her eyes. "No more Sherlock BBC for you, mister."

"What can I say?" Clint says, shrugging. "Benedict Crumblebread is hot."

"Ah yes," Bruce says with a nod. "This reminds me of Bakery Street. The adventures of Sherloaf Holmes and Johnnycake Wheatson, portrayed respectively in the BBC series by the actors Benedict Crumblebread and Martin Pieman."

"Wait, shit, no," Clint protests, "I didn't mean that, you guys know I love him, you know I know its Cumberba—"

"Don't forget Mycrust Holmes, Sherloaf's brother," Loki adds as he's walking to leave, for whatever reason. "I watched the first episode a few weeks ago."

"Wow, okay," Clint says, "I get it, shut up, I—"

"Not to mention Detective Inspector Lestrudel over at Shortcake Yard," Steve says, giving Clint a sort of _this is what you get for wearing my shirt_ look.

"Often Sherloaf is thwarted by his nemesis, Moritarty," Phil says, slinging an arm around Clint's shoulders, "and his sidekick, Sebastian Moringue; but he always manages to pick up the breadcrumb trail and save the day!"

Natasha lost it again back at Lestrudel, but Clint just buries his face in his hands and groans. "I hate all of you. Fucking Cumberbatch. Whatever. He's hot, okay? Ugh."

At that precise moment, out of fucking nowhere, Darcy Lewis crawls out from the cupboard under the sink. Literally there are so many cleaning things and whatnot that Natasha can't even fit inside without having to knock everything out first—let alone Darcy with her breast size.

They all sort of just stare at her, except Thor, who is simple making sure Natasha sitting up straight, like stuff like this is _normal_.

Bruce gives a whimper and whispers something about "everything bad in the world".

"Sup, guys?" she asks, walking across the room, aiming for the fridge. "I'm back from Narnia!"

"Darcy?" Steve asks. "Darcy Lewis?"

"No," she growls. "This is Patrick."

Clint knows for certain that he has never heard Natasha laugh so many times in the same twenty-four hours in his entire life.

"No, but, how…" Tony tries to say.

"CAN'T YOU USE THE DOORS?!" Bruce yells at her.

"Well, I was going to drive there," she says, "but there was this sign in the middle of the road that said the universe was closed, so I had to take the rainbow. I didn't have the Tesseract and the Bifrost is like half broken, though, so it sort of just spews me out randomly." She grabs out a beer from the fridge. "Thor, buddy, mind popping me over to New Mexico? Jane is probably looking for me, not to mention Erik is still waiting in the car for me."

"How long have you been gone?" Thor asks as he sets Natasha carefully down, like this is _normal_.

She shrugs. "I don't know, I've been there for a few days, so only like a few hours here. Time's are all screwed up in different realms. It's really annoying."

As they disappear, Tony sighs, rubbing his eyes. "Why is the weirdness of our lives not normal to me yet?"

"Amen to that," Clint says, swinging up to grab himself a beer as well. "Need a glass of scotch to go with that insanity?"

Every person pipes up what they want.

"Wow, no, okay, fuck all of you, I don't have that many arms," he says. "Tony, I'll get you a scotch, but that's all I can carry."

"Dude, you shoot arrows," Natasha calls. "Wimp."

"You don't even like using _guns_, hand-to-hand bitch."

"Touché."

"Speaking of bitches," Tony says, "Clint, how long have you been gay, anyway?"

Clint glares at him, dumping his scotch down the sink just to have the satisfaction of seeing Tony have a conniption on the sofa. "I haven't told any of you about when I decided that I was yet?" he asks, walking back into the room with two beers, handing one of them to Phil before sitting back down.

"No, you haven't," Steve says, looking maybe just a little bit uncomfortable but trying to hide it because he's respectable like that. Not in the homophobic sense, either, but more just that he's uncomfortable asking about it in general, like he doesn't like getting into Clint's personal life or whatever. Damn forties bastard. It's hard to even pretend to be mad at Steve, though… He's just such a cute little ball of freedom. "When did you decide you were? And why?"

"When?" Clint asks. "I don't know. Back in like high school or something. Why? There's no why to that but the obvious, dude. In a world of cheerios, be a fruit loop."

"Best answer ever," Tony says, reaching over to try and steal Clint's beer.

"You wish, bitch," Clint growls, scooting closer to Phil.

Phil just grabs his beer and hands it over to Tony, though.

"Rude," Clint mutters, standing up. "You guys are so much work."

"You know what I tell myself?" Phil says, standing as well and gesturing for them to go conspire against some people.

"Nope," Clint says, going after him and snatching his beer since he gave his away. "Tell me."

"When work seems overwhelming, remember that you're going to die."

Clint smirks at him, thinking about the fact that he refers to Phil as "Jim" when he's not listening. "Now all I can see is you playing Moriarty, smiling at Sherlock all creepy and shit."

Phil shrugs. "Hey, you know me. I'm soOoOOoo changeable."

Clint gives him a beaming smile. "You are totally my favorite person in the entire world. The only person who sits through that shit with me is Loki. I am so going to call you Jim to your face now."

"Yeah? Friendly reminder in a poem for you: Moriarty sat on a wall, Sherlock had a great, All Lestrade's horses and All Mycroft's men, Couldn't put Watson together again."

Clint's heart does a sort of flippy thing in which he just wants to say "ouch" over and over again. "Oh. Okay. Wow. Fuck you. Definitely calling you Jim."

He smirks. "I thought of a way to get back at Loki again."

Clint lights up again. "I really hate you. You're giving me all these mixed feelings and I just want to die. My room, pronto, so we can plan the details."

* * *

Author's notes (in order of what part of the story I'm explaining): 1. The math problem that Bruce asks Clint for help on? Forgive it, because some of the symbols wouldn't show up right so the answer probably isn't 42 anymore—but it's _supposed_ to be. Haha.

2. Yes, the little red plumber that crawls out of Darcy's hole (wow that sounds wrong) is Mario. Yay mini crossover!

OKAY BUT WOW. I'm done with this part now good lord that took too long. I know it's a kind of random ending, but…well whatever you already know the ships so why not? Part I is when nobody is together, Part II is when Bruce/Tony get together, Part III is when Clint/Phil get together, Part IV is when Loki/Darcy and Steve/Maria get together, and then there's the Epilogue. So I'm ending the part here because Bruce/Tony get together soon :3 But yeah, the next part is _epic_ short compared to this one. Ha whoops!

So…yeah. Hope you enjoyed? Yes, yes I do. Tell me what you thought? :)

**XxXxX**

References: Oh gosh this is going to take fucking fOrEveR, because here's where I reference everything so this isn't one big lawsuit, so if you don't really give a shit about where anything came from, then feel free to skip everything from hereon! For those of you who do want to know, though, I may have tweaked a couple of words here and there for each quote (though only for a very small few), but I'm not going to explain what the real version is because that's going to take long enough as it is. If you want to know just go check out where it's from! PS a loot of the stuff I got is from a deviantart account named _alpner_, so if you want anything from him you'll just have to search him on that website, because I'm not going to try and awkwardly link them all or give you the link to his/her account (I think it's a guy idk). Oh and also anything from is not going to be easy to find individually… You'll understand that when you go on the website (if you do), so…sorry! Also there are 80 references, so, onward:

**0.** "Normal people' are an urban legend.  
Everyone heard about them.  
Everyone talks about them.  
But nobody has ever seen one."  
I have no idea what/who this is from but it's brilliant.

**1.** "Everybody has secrets. Everybody has dreams." This is from the I, Robot movie, though I've switched it up a bit ("everybody" is supposed to be "one day they'll", since he's talking about the robots).

**2.** "Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'Like' my own status? Of course I like my status. I'm fuckin' hilarious! And sexy." Alpner.

**3.** "When I die I'd like somebody to keep updating my Facebook status to freak people out."  
"Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi down here!"  
Alpner.

**4.** "Some people just need a hug! Around their neck. With a rope." Alpner.

**5.** "There are two rules for success. Number one, never tell everything you know." Alpner.

**6.** "If a guy remembers the color of your eyes on the first date, it means you have small boobs." Alpner.

**7.** "Don't look for love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall." Unknown.

**8.** "Love is a lot like death. It chooses you." _Ethereal_, book 1 in the _Celestra_ series by Addison Moore.

**9.** "The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." Alpner.

**10.** "Will you look at this?"  
"What is it?"  
"It's gorgeous technology from a civilization different from our own. Oh my god. That is the sexiest thing I have ever seen."  
This conversation is actually from the original comics :)

**11.** "Those who are heartless once cared too much." Unknown.

**12.** Welcome to downtown Coolsville. Population: us." Hogarth to Dean, in the Iron Giant.

**13.** "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" Said by Stephen Wright.

**14.** "That's ridiculous. Everyone hasn't met you yet." Said by Rodney Dangerfield.

**15.** "When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying, 'I hid the body…now what?'"

**16.** "One, what would you do if you were going to die? And two, how did you ever convince yourself you weren't?" Asofterworld.

**17.** Do you know that awesome feeling when you finally understand math? Me neither." Alpner.

**18.** "You, me, and a zombie breakout. Don't answer now. But be careful not to wait to long either." Asofterworld.

**19.** "Statistics have shown that those who have the most birthdays live the longest." Alpner.

**20.** "I don't have birthdays. I level up." Alpner.

**21.** "Birthdays are good for you! The more you have, the longer you live." Alpner.

**22.** "What are you doing under the table? Are you…are you hiding?"  
"Yes."  
"Well what are you hiding _from_?"  
"Everything bad in the world."  
"And you think that's going to help?"  
"Nothing bad has happened to me since I've been here."  
This is…well, I got it from tumblr.

**23.** "What Would Jim Moriarty Do?  
Is it clever?  
No?  
Then Moriarty doesn't give a shit.  
Yes?  
Is enough to make Sherlock touch himself over it?  
Then yes, without fail, Moriarty would do it."  
I have absolutely no idea where this is from except that I got it from tumblr.

**24.** "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." Said by Mark Twain.

**25.** "Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me." This is in so many places that I don't think anybody in the entire world knows.

**26.** "Hole to another universe.  
Come on in!"  
Another unknown tumblr picture, whoops!

**27.** The whole "This is definitely not the right castle" doesn't have specific words, but I did get it from the first Mario game, yes.

**28.** "Life is too important to be taken seriously." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**29.** "If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe." Another unreferencable (made up words yay) tumblr picture whoops.

**30.** "WHAT IS WITH THIS PLANET AND MUTANT MONKEYS!" This is totally not a quote at all, but it's just referencing to the Avengers movie when they talked about "flying monkeys" and there was all "wat". Haha.

**31.** "Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up and go find him. The poor idiot may be stuck in a tree or something." I looked everywhere and couldn't find it so there.

**32.** "Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil." Ditto.

**33.** "I like people how I like my coffee. I don't like coffee." Alpner.

**34.** "Being nice to people is just like smoking. It's best if you never start." Alpner.

**35.** "Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway." Said by Robert Downey Jr.

**36.** "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Said by Jeff Foxworthy.

**37.** "Writers aren't exactly people… They're a whole bunch of people trying to be one person." Said by Fury Scott Fitzgerald.

**38.** "My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**39.** "Sweet baby Jesus, Coulson was not exaggerating." Tumblr again whoops.

**40.** "Some people are so poor, all they have is money." Alpner.

**41.** "Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**42.** "All I can do is be _me_. Whoever that is." Said by Bob Dylan.

**43.** "Be yourself, and if you end up with no friends…good for you." I have no idea.

**44.** "To a great mind, nothing is little." Written by Sir A. Clint. Doyle, in _Sherlock Holmes_.

**45.** "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." Said by George Carlin.

**46.** "I would die for you, but if you _ask_ me to… You're not worth it." Alpner.

**47.** "I love the way you make me feel terrible for being myself." Asofterworld.

**48.** "One of the advantages of being disorderly, is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries." Said by A. A. Milne.

**49.** "Life is a sea of tears, but I've got me a snorkel and a treasure map!" Asofterworld.

**50.** Okay so Bruce's jab at "the worst kind of heartbreak"? That's actually from a poem and I'm just going to write the whole thing out because of reasons. I'm not sure who it's by…it just has "c. p." at the bottom.

"There are 3 kinds of heartbreak  
The first is when  
someone is reckless with  
your heart  
and it breaks and shatters  
in ways

you never thought it could.

The second is when  
_you_ break  
someone's heart  
because you'll never  
know pain  
like the type that has you  
look into their eyes  
but they look away.

And the worst kind of heartbreak  
is the kind that comes along  
when you have to watch  
the person you love  
ne happy  
with someone else."

**51.** "My relationship is like an iPad. I don't have an iPad." Alpner.

**52.** "Everything happens for a reason… But sometimes that reason is that you're stupid and you make bad decisions." Alpner.

**53.** "I am ready to meet my maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter." Said by Winston Churchill)

**54.** Undead, written 03/01/13 (by Unknown)  
"I have no desire  
To actually be dead  
But sometimes being alive  
Is such a drag."

**55.** "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter." Uh it was on a fortune from a fortune cookie. That's all I got.

**56.** "Alcohol may be man's greatest enemy, but the Bible says to love your enemies." Said by Frank Sinatra.

**57.** "'Almost never' is an interesting concept." I read this on the front screen of Minecraft woo.

**58.** "Being smart is useless without someone to be smarter than." Asofterworld.

**59.** "Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes." Said by Gandhi.

**60.** "Let me tell you. Hips do not lie." Said by Tom Hiddleston himself!

**61.** "It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does?" Said by Peter McWilliams.

**62.** "There are all different kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice." Said by Fury. Scott Fitzgerald.

**63.** "The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open." Alpner.

**64.** "Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." Said by Mae West.

**65.** "We could have been perfect if only we'd met when we were both too young to know better." Asofterworld.

**66.** "Sometimes I think you might fall in love with someone else and all my problems will be solved." Asofterworld.

**67.** "A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**68.** Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance." I have no idea.

**69.** "Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't." Also no idea.

**70.** "I don't want to _be_ alone; I want to be _left_ alone." Said by Audrey Hepburn.

**71.** "The electric eel is not actually an eel."  
"The mountain goat is not actually a goat."  
"The maned wolf isn't a wolf."  
"The mayfly happens to also be active throughout all of the spring, and even the summer. Not just May."  
"The king cobra is not a cobra, and snakes are typically self governing."  
"The peacock mantis shrimp is not a peacock, is not a mantis, and is also not a shrimp."  
"The eastern kingbird is also found in the west, and most birds don't recognize any authority. Also, the horny toad isn't actually toad."  
"He only thinks of you as a friend."  
I got this from tumblr.

**72.** "I am Clint Barton, Consulting Assassin!" I don't even remember except that I read it on tumblr somewhere.

**73.** "Benedict Crumblebread is hot."  
"Ah yes, this reminds me a Bakery Street. The adventures of Sherloaf Holmes and Johnnycake Wheatson, portrayed respectively in the BBC series by the actors Benedict Crumblebread and Martin Pieman."  
"Don't forget Mycrust Holmes, Sherloaf's brother."  
"Not to mention Detective Inspector Lestrudel over at Shortcake Yard."  
"Often Sherloaf is thwarted by his nemesis, Moritarty, and his sidekick, Sebastian Moringue; but he always manages to pick up the breadcrumb trail and save the day!"  
Uh…it was a tumblr post whoops.

**74.** "Sup, guys? I'm back from Narnia!" I totally don't have a source for this except that it was a picture on tumblr of Gerard Way walking out of what looks like a fridge he's so beautiful.

**75.** "No, this is Patrick." If you don't know where this is from then you don't deserve to know.

**76.** "The universe was closed, so I had to take the rainbow." It's actually a picture of a yellow sign that I have a picture of somewhere but can't find anymore ugh.

**77.** "In a world of cheerios, be a fruit loop." Uh I don't even know.

**78.** "When work seems overwhelming, remember that you're going to die." This is a Jim Moriarty eCard.

**79.** "Moriarty sat on a wall, Sherlock had a great fall. All Lestrade's horses and All Mycroft's men, Couldn't put Watson together again." I think this is originally from a tweet, but all I could find was a deviantart thing, so here ta-duh I'm magic: _moriarty sat on a wall_ by _lionsontheroad_.


	2. Part II

[Part summary: In which the Science Boyfriends finally get together, Tony is lazy, and Clint still wears everybody's clothes.]

**Part II**

_I live in a world of fantasy  
So keep your reality away from me  
I see what I want  
I want what I see  
And that is all okay by me._

_TONY  
March 20…_

Tony walks into the rec room with three beers, handing one to Steve and the other to Natasha. Phil, Clint, and Thor are also sitting around with Clint's favorite episode of Sherlock BBC (the last one of the first series; Tony doesn't really watch it, he just knows that Clint wants to cry a lot because something about six episodes) playing on the TV screen.

"Holy _shit_ this is soft," Clint says, curling into a ball in which he nearly disappears completely in the huge ass sweatshirt he has on.

Thor frowns at him. "Is that mine?"

"No!" he yells from inside.

"Yes it is," Phil says, pushing at him so that he rolls to show the lightning bolt on the back. "It's the one that Jane got him. Give it back, Clint."

Clint sighs, stretching out before sitting up and pulling it off. "Sorry for wearing your stuff," he says, handing it up to Thor.

"It is alright," Thor says, pulling it on over his white muscle tank top. "It is soft, is it not?"

"Wait a second," Tony says from where he's leaning against the wall. "_Now_ what are you wearing?"

"Nothing," Clint mutters, covering the front of his shirt.

"Clint…" Phil says, pushing at him again.

Clint mutters unintelligibly to himself and drops his arms.

"That's my Black Sabbath t-shirt!" Tony exclaims. "I've been looking for that for weeks!"

"Told you he never gives stuff back," Natasha says to Steve with a chuckle.

Steve laughs. "I know. I still don't have my white shirt back."

Tony frowns. "You take people's clothes often?"

Phil narrows his eyes at Clint. "You are in a lot of trouble, mister."

Clint gives a terrified giggle before leaping up and sprinting away. Phil groans and stands to go after him, though he's just walking with his hands in his pockets.

Tony rolls his eyes and leaves to go down to the lab, but the next thing he knows is that Natasha is beside him her arm linked with his. "I heard about you and Pepper."

Tony cocks an eyebrow as they continue to walk. "That was, like, almost a week ago."

"And you're doing fine, right?"

Tony shrugs. "I don't know, I've mostly just blocked it from my mind. We talked this morning, though, when she came over to get me to sign a few things… She seemed alright, but her and I are very good at pretending around each other, so I'm not sure."

Natasha smiles. "She's doing better than you are, I think."

Tony frowns. "Why?"

"I don't know, but it involves Happy."

Tony smiles too, entering the key code to get into the lab. "Thanks for telling me."

"Of course,' she says with a smile as she lets go of him to walk back up the stairs. "Have fun in the underworld."

"Hey now," the billionaire says with a smirk. "You're the one who just walked out of it."

She turns to give him a look.

"Oh, don't give me that. You're the one with red in your ledger."

"I don't recall being on my period."

Tony gapes at her for a few seconds. "_Ew_!"

She just laughs, disappearing up the stairs.

Tony laughs too, shaking his head as he opens up the door. "Brucey, I…" But he trails off, because there's Bruce, already working on the car. His shirt is dark from oil and grease and things, and his skin is covered in all sorts of soot, the sweat lingering with it in which it's dropping slowly down his forehead.

Tony's fellow scientist looks up, setting down his glasses. That's always been stupid to Tony until he found out that it's just because they're like…reading glasses. He's nearsighted. "Hey, I started without you 'cause…" But he trails off too, what for Tony doesn't know. And after a few seconds of simply staring, his eyes crinkle and his lips turn up in the most beautiful smile Tony has ever seen. "Are you okay?" he asks tenderly.

"Oh my gods," Tony breathes, nearly dropping his beer. "Steve and Loki are right."

He tilts his head slightly. "What do you mean?"

Tony opens his mouth and gapes a little before managing to spit it out: "I love you."

Bruce blinks for a rather long time, his smile disappearing. "You…what? You love me?"

Tony instantly regrets saying a thing. "Uh, I mean, I, it was just…" He looks down at the floor. "Yes."

The next thing he knows, Bruce is standing in front of him and tilting his chin up with a finger. "You haven no idea how long I've been waiting to hear that," he whispers.

Tony doesn't have time to say anything. Bruce kisses him first.

**OoOoOoO**

_BRUCE  
March 20…_

Bruce holds Tony tightly in his arms as their breathing slows, both men on their sides and facing each other. Tony is kissing lightly wherever his lips can reach and Bruce is rubbing a hand over Tony's bare back, the blankets down at their waists. He doesn't even remember how they managed to get up to Tony's bedroom, but he's not complaining.

Tony breathes a laugh after a while, kissing Bruce on the mouth. "I can't believe I just let you pitch."

Bruce snorts. "I've never been a catcher in my life."

Tony grins before pursing his lips. "Can I ask you a question?"

Bruce knows what it's going to be. "Yeah, go ahead."

"Why don't you Hulk out during sex? Because sometimes you do when you're angry, or when you're stressed, or when you're really surprised and… I don't know."

Bruce chuckles. "I Hulk out to protect myself and certain people around me. When I…" He sighs. "Back when I attacked Natasha four years ago, I Hulked out because I was protecting myself. I Hulked out during the actual war because I was protecting you and my other friends. It's anger, sure, but I'm always angry, so…" He shrugs. "It's when I'm protecting people."

Tony nods, looking up at the ceiling. "That's so fascinating I might come again."

Bruce laughs, kissing his cheek. "I love you, Tony."

He looks back over at him, a warm smile on his face. "For two years and seven months, right?"

He rolls his eyes. "Yes, for two years and seven months."

"You know, I…" He breathes a laugh. "When I saw you sitting down by the car, covered in oil and grease and any number of other things… Well, when I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled 'cause you knew."

Bruce kisses him softly. "You had never looked at me like that before. It was the obvious conclusion, and the most wonderful."

Tony smiles, rubbing the tips of their noses together. "What time is it, Jay?"

"Ten in the evening, sirs."

Tony nods. "Want to sleep?" he asks Bruce.

Bruce grins and nods. "Definitely. Fury called one of those stupid meetings for tomorrow morning, though, didn't he?"

Tony groans. "I almost forgot. What time are we supposed to be to his office?"

"Eight tomorrow morning, I think."

"What? That doesn't even give us twelve hours of sleep since we still have to get ready in the morning."

Bruce chuckles. "We'll take a cold shower or something."

Tony grins. "Shower with you? Why yes, I would love to. Jarvis, an alarm for seven tomorrow morning, please."

"Of course, sir."

Bruce gives a good natured eye roll. "Goodnight, Tony."

"Mmm, g'night, Brucey."

**OoOoOoO**

_TONY  
March 21…_

As soon as the alarm goes off for Tony and Bruce to make it to Fury's stupid meeting on time, they both sit up at the exact same time. Tony's eyes are still glued shut, but Bruce must be open, because he says:

"Um… Why is there a sign at the foot of your bed that says, 'Today has been canceled. Go back to bed.'?"

"OH THANK ODIN!" Tony calls in an angelic voice, dropping back to his pillow. "Bruce, Bruce, cuddle with me. Today's a perfect day for naked cuddling. I don't even care what day it is. Every day is perfect."

Bruce chuckles, pulling him into his arms. "Come on, babe, we still need to get up."

Tony pouts out his bottom lip. "Whyyy?" he whines.

"Because I'm starving."

Tony finally opens his eyes, looking up at him. "Me too."

By the time they make it to the kitchen it's eight-twenty, and Bruce is in one of Tony's t-shirts and even a pair of his pants. His own clothes are in the washing machine, along with Tony's sheets, for a well deserved cleaning.

"Oh my gods," Steve says, setting down his newspaper. "Tony? Is that you? Before noon?"

Tony just smiles and sits down as Bruce goes to dig through the fridge. "Bruce and I had sex last night."

Steve stares at him in silence, and Bruce pulls his head out of the fridge with leftover Chinese.

"This looks okay," he says, kicking the fridge shut. He grabs two forks and a bottle of water before pushing a chair closer to Tony's and sitting beside him. "Morning, Steve."

Steve's face envelopes in a very big smile. "You did? Really?"

They nod, going in to eat.

"Who kissed who first?"

Tony rolls his eyes. "He kissed me," he says with his mouth full, "but I said 'I love you' first."

The blonde grins, folding up his paper. "That's great. Really, that's awesome." He stands. "I've got to go find Loki; he'll be thrilled!" And he runs out.

Bruce puts the dishes away and throws out the empty take-out box and water bottle when he and Tony have finished, and instead of sitting down he bends over the back of Tony's shoulder and wraps his arms around him.

"Mmm," Tony says, dropping his head back to kiss him.

Somebody interrupts them, though, by bursting into laughter.

They turn around to see Clint, setting his empty coffee mug in the sink. Instead of commenting on the kiss, though (Steve is probably singing about it through the halls), he says, "Bruce, shit, what are you _wearing_?"

Bruce frowns, looking down at the jeans that Tony put him in. "Tony got them for me."

"Yeah, well, you're ass looks even worse than usual."

At Bruce's glare he gives an apologetic look before sprinting back out of the kitchen.

Tony rolls his eyes. "Don't worry, Brucey-kins," he says, swinging into a standing position to wrap his arms around Bruce's waist and splaying his fingers out over his ass. "It's just Clint. He's _trying_ to piss you off."

"Well he's doing a mag_nificent_ job," Bruce mutters, leaning his forehead against Tony's shoulder.

"Wuh-oh, do we need to sign you up for anger management that you won't go to again?"

"I don't need anger management!" he yells into Tony's shoulder. "I need people to stop pissing me off!"

Tony gives an affectionate eye roll. "Come one, I'll go call up one of the SHIELD doctors."

Bruce sighs. "Yeah, okay."

**XxX**

March 21…

Tony gets a text from Bruce saying that he's in Tony's bedroom, and Tony clicks his heels together as he skips off. Bruce is indeed in his bed, mostly under the blankets and reading a book.

Tony grins and hops in beside him, taking the book and marking the page before tossing it aside. "Soo…" he says. "How did it go?"

Bruce sighs, wrapping an arm around Tony's shoulder. "My doctor told me to start killing people."

Tony frowns.

Bruce sighs again. "Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce stress in my life, which is pretty much the same thing."

Tony snorts, just kissing him. He's going to be doing a lot of that in days to come.

**OoOoOoO**

_CLINT  
March 23…_

Everyone in the mansion knows about Tony and Bruce, now. Clint isn't sure if Pepper knows yet, but Happy does, so he's just assuming that she does too. Everyone is sitting in the rec room right now, but not for watching a movie or show as Clint would rather. It's because Fury is here, having decided that canceling the meeting on Wednesday was a bad idea. It's Friday now, though, and Tony is draped across the laps of Bruce and Steve, also taking up his and Pepper's usual places. He's on his back, arm closest to Bruce up and draped over Bruce's shoulder.

Fury has at least just finished the meeting, thankfully. He was just talking about boring stuff like responsibilities, and also applauding Phil for being able to keep them so in check. Maria and Pepper are the only ones that aren't here to have heard it all, which is fine since they don't need to hear it. Amora probably doesn't either, but she's here anyway, sitting in Loki's lap and nibbling at his earlobe. Clint would assume that they're dating except that she's also making out with other men and women alike as well.

"Bruuuce," Tony whines as Fury is having a "private" conversation with Phil. "I have to peeee… Clint, will you go for me?"

"Stark," Fury say, looking over at him with a sigh. "You are the laziest person I have ever met."

Tony smirks at him. "Unless I'm in the lab or sex is going to be involved," he says "you're right. My laziness is exactly as the number eight. If it lies down it becomes _infinite_. And today it's even worse! I'm super lazy! Which is like normal lazy, but I'm also wearing a cape. See?" He rolls over so that his back is facing Fury before rolling back. "That movement there was painful, let me tell you."

Clint laughs, standing up to go over to him. He has to go pee too, so he might as well drag Tony with him. "If there was a reward for laziness, you'd win it."

"If there was a reward for laziness," Tony says back right away, "I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me."

When he finally gets him up, he walks behind him, taking the cape and making wind sounds. Oh, how he wishes he could fly.

Tony whirls around to glare at him, yanking the gold cape out of Clint's hands. "_I_ have the cape, _I_ make the whoosh noise!"

Just before Tony goes into the nearest bathroom to the rec room, he stops and gives Clint's chest a very hard look. "Wait, whose shirt is that?"

"This?" Clint asks, fingering the purple button up. "I got it out of the dryer. It's Bruce's purple shirt of sex."

"And how did _you_ know that?"

Clint snorts, walking into the bathroom before Tony does because he's taking too long. "I'm a SHIELD assassin, Tony. I know everything."

Tony chuckles. "Well then you must know that one of the reasons it was being washed was because we used it to clean up after sex."

Clint is pretty sure he's never taken anything off faster in this life, Tony laughing all the way.

* * *

Author's notes: Okay like I said, super short compared to the first part! Lol. Next we have a much longer Part III, wherein Clint and Phil get together. Yay :)

**XxXxX**

References: There are only 10 references in this section instead of 82… Haha.

**0.** "I live in a world of fantasy  
So keep your reality away from me  
I see what I want  
I want what I see  
And that is all okay by me."  
Said by Itzah Clint. Kret

**1.** "When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled 'cause you knew." Said by Shakespeare.

**2.** "Today has been canceled. Go back to bed." I have no idea.

**3.** "Today's a perfect day for naked cuddling. I don't even care what day it is. Every day is perfect." Asofterworld.

**4.** "I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!" Alpner.

**5.** "My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce stress in my life, which is pretty much the same thing." Alpner.

**6.** "My laziness is exactly as the number eight. If it lies down it becomes _infinite_." Alpner.

**7.** "I'm super lazy! Which is like normal lazy, but I'm also wearing a cape. Alpner.

**8.** "If there was a reward for laziness, I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me." Alpner.

**9.** "_I_ have the cape, _I_ make the whoosh noise!" This is from a picture I've had on my flash drive since I was in seventh grade… Damn, I need to clean some shit out of this thing! Anyway I have no idea where it's from haha it's just a little funny art thing.


	3. Part III

[Part summary: In which Clint steals Steve's motorcycle, Phil is normal, Thor doesn't know what to do, and Loki solves the problems of others even though he has his own before finally leaving.]

**Part III**

_The appropriate response to reality  
is to go insane.  
—Philip K. Dick_

_CLINT  
March 25…_

Clint takes a deep breath, not because he's having second thoughts or anything, but because he feels like any idiot just sort of showing up at Phil's place when the guy's never once invited him over—at two in the morning, no less. So he quick knocks, getting it over with.

There's grumbling from behind the door, and when it opens, Clint almost trips over his own two feet even though he's not moving. Phil lives alone, so of course he's the one to answer it, but he's… He looks so normal. He's wearing Captain America boxers and a Harvard hoodie that's at least two (maybe three) sizes too big for him. The left sleeve is pushed up to his elbow, but the right sleeve is long and draping all over the place as Phil has the arm leaning against the frame of the door.

"What the—fuck, I don't know if it's too early or too late—why are—Clint—hi—evening, what are you doing here? I didn't even know you knew where I lived. Is it two in the morning? Yeah, too early works. Hi."

Clint almost trips again. He's never heard Phil trip over his own words before. The guy hardly even cusses. He actually looks…tired. Rumpled. Like Clint woke him up. He sleeps? Fuck, of course he sleeps; he's not _actually_ an office drone. What was he _thinking_?

"Uh, yeah, uh, hi," Clint says. "You forgot your phone on the couch." He holds it out. "Also I sort of didn't think about the fact that you actually sleep and um sorry for dropping by I guess I'll go now I mean you have work tomorrow so—"

"If we're counting tomorrow when the sun comes up," Phil says, rubbing at his eyes with the hand with the sleeve that's pushed up, "then I don't. I've had Sunday's off for the last few years, Clint."

"Oh, yeah, uh, I knew that, sorry."

"No, it's fine. Anyway, you look like shit. What's eatin' you?"

Clint sighs. "Eh, it's nothing. I don't usually sleep very well."

"Yeah? Nightmares?"

Clint frowns. "How'd you know?"

"I know that look a mile away. Fury's got it, Loki's got it, Tony's got it, Steve's got it…hell, even 'Ria's got it."

"I…'Ria?"

"Sorry. Maria. Agent Hill. Whatever."

Clint lets out a tiny chuckle. "You know, you're a lot less reserved and formal when you're…not working."

He shrugs the shoulder with the sleeve up. "Yeah, I'm not as much of an office drone as Tony insists. Want to come in? You can crash on my couch if you want. I mean, hey, you're here, you might as well. Fuck, man, did you walk here?"

"I stole Bessie."

"Steve's motorcycle? He's going to kill you."

"It'll be Sunday, like you said. He sleeps in till eight on those days. He won't notice until about eleven, when he quits working out and is done with his shower and comes into the kitchen for brunch."

"You _do_ pay attention when you're not on a mission. I'm impressed. Come on, I'll make some…well, coffee's a bad idea. Tea. Sure."

Clint actually does trip a little bit as he walks inside, nearly running into Phil's back. This is like a whole new side to the guy that's Clint absentmindedly been calling his best friend. Honestly, how can you even think about calling someone your best friend when you've never even hung out with them outside of him keeping everybody in check for his _job_?

As soon as he walks inside, though, he freezes, his jaw completely dropped. Phil owns an actually house, yeah. Sure, it's just one story, but…wow. It's homey. It looks _normal_. Clint expected everything to be cool, calculated, pristine, and totally boring. But…wow. The front door leads right into the living room, and it actually looks like somewhere someone could _live_. There's a flat screen TV, a white Wii box plugged into it, with a disk that looks suspiciously like Mario Kart sticking out of it. A leather couch sits in the middle of the room, a fuzzy blanket fluffed out over it and a book turned upside down resting on the arm, like he was too lazy to mark a page. Of _course_ he's reading The Hunger Games.

There's a _huge_ shelf of DVD's and VHS's alike, movies that Clint is in love with and some he hates and quite a few he's never even heard of before. There's a gigantic potted plant sitting in the corner of the room, and it's not one of those fake things, either. It's a real plant that requires _watering_. And there's one of those dumb abstract paintings on the walls, and…wow. If the Captain America boxers weren't enough, he's got a poster on the wall, as well as those signed cards sitting out on the coffee table—the coffee table that _actually has coffee stains on it_. The walls are painted a sky blue color, and there are hazy clouds painted around, like the whole point of it was to make it look like the middle of the day.

Phil's tinkering away in the kitchen, so Clint sort of just…wanders some. He finds the bathroom decorated in lots of blues and purples and…sunset colors. Some pink and orange here, some yellow and purple there, some indigo and violet there too. There's some seashells, too. The beach theme is so overused in bathrooms, but with the sunset idea it…fits.

He peers into a room that is very obviously Phil's bedroom, to which is probably the darkest room in the entire house. The walls are all painted black, and…good lord. There are glow in the dark stars stuck all over the place, though they're not glowing as of now with the light that Clint's flipped on. There are even white stars painted on the walls for when the light _is_ on. The bed covers and pillows match in an intricate black and white swirlish and very girly pattern, but Clint swears he sees some red white and blue peaking out from under the main blanket…like a sheet or something. And the shelf full of Captain American action figures is so not helping this guys cause. W-o-w, he is obsessed. Cute, though. The room. Not him. Right.

Clint shakes his head and turns the light off, turning around to go see what the kitchen looks like. Phil is sitting at the table, reading Saturday's newspaper. There are two cups of tea on the table, one in which Phil is drinking from, and this room is decorated in…

"Dude," Clint says. "It's a sunrise!"

Phil glances up for only a moment. "Yes. So it is."

"You've decorated your house in times of day! That's amazing!"

"So it is as well."

"I mean, your bedroom is kind of dark, though…"

Phil shrugs. "A certain darkness is needed to see the stars."

Clint smiles. "Was it this way before you bought it?" He sits down across from Phil, snagging the paper just long enough to fish out the sports section. There's never anything in it about archery, but hey, basketball's a "shooters" sport too, right? Shooting hoops and shit. Contrary to popular belief, Clint's not _too_ picky. "Or did you redecorate it?"

"I redecorated it," he says, sipping from his mug as Clint does.

"It's…" He doesn't exactly trail off, but he totally does. It's easy to cover up, though, because he can just cover it up as trying to figure out the right word. He sort of forgets to, though, because he's too busy coming to grips with reality. Natasha said love is for children, and Natasha has _never_ been wrong about things like this…

But she's wrong. She's so wrong that it hurts. Literally, Clint feels like he's been punched in the stomach as he watches Phil's lips curve over the rim of his glass…watches his knuckles whiten just a smidge as they grip around the handle…watches his blue eyes scan back and forth over the paper…

So, instead of finishing his sentence about Phil's taste in paint (which is amazing…really creative. Clint loves it), he sets down his glass in realization of being in love for the first time in his entire life. "Shit," he breathes.

Phil looks up at him, eyebrows pinched just slightly in concern as he sets down both the glass and the paper. "Something wrong?"

"Yes," Clint chokes out, letting his forehead drop to the table before shooting back up into a sitting up straight position. "I mean, no! No, I just, um, the nightmares, yeah. Thinking too hard. Sorry." He can't tell him. Hell no. That'd be like forgiving Loki. Impossible both because it's terrifying and because _no_.

"Yeah?" Phil says, taking another sip of tea. "Have another drink and tell me what it was about."

Clint downs the entire glass before staring steadily down at the sports page. Eye contact is a _bad_ idea right now. "Uh, nothing too bad. Just…I think my brain is out to kill me or something. You know how, sometimes, you just start to get _used_ to your nightmares? Like, you have them so often that you just come to expect them, so you don't even wake up in cold sweats anymore?"

Phil nods knowingly. "I do. Keep going."

"Yeah, well, mine are starting to get creative. There was like, this girl in it, you know? She was like a mixture of 'Tasha, Hill, and what Peggy looked like back in the forties. And she just put her hand on my arm, looked really deep into my eyes, and said, 'Please don't wake up. I don't want to die.' And…" He shivers. "Ugh. I woke up anyway, and someone that doesn't even exist is totally haunting me now."

Phil chuckles a little. A sound that makes Clint shiver again, though for totally different reasons now. "Yeah, that happens," he says. "It's the bodies way of saying it's time for sleeping pills that stop your dreaming."

Clint smiles. "Happen to have any?"

"A whole bottles' worth, agent. Bottom drawer in the bathroom, when you go to bed. They work almost instantly, though, so don't take them before you have to pee."

Clint smirks. "I really can crash on your couch though?" _Please say you were just kidding. Please say no._

"Yeah, sure, you might as well. Just mark the page of my book and use that blanket that's already out there. You can turn on the TV too, if you want. I hardly even use the pills; contrary to what I'm sure Stark believes, I'm one of the heaviest sleeper you will ever meet as long as we're not counting Banner. Unless I'm working. It's like an on and off switch that I've got."

"Yeah?" Clint whispers, leaning forward at the table so he can get rid of his raging hard on _before_ he stands. Honestly, being turned on by someone talking about sleeping pills is downright embarrassing. Granted, he was talking about sleeping, and that can be taken at least eight thousand different ways…

"Fuck," he breathes.

Phil smirks. "Go to bed, dude."

"Please don't say dude. It's so weird. This is so weird. Oh my gods, you're _normal_, this is going to _kill_ Tony."

"Yeah, don't tell him. It's a lot more fun how it is. How will we pull anything on him if he just looks at me and says, 'you have glow in the dark stars on your ceiling and you're wearing Captain America boxers. Shut the fuck up and go play with your boyfriend'."

Clint's entire face heats up, so he buries himself behind his empty glass, pretending to look into it. "Oh yeah, because we're totally boyfriends."

Phil laughs. "Yeah, I know, he's a funny guy. I haven't dated anybody since, like, my freshman year of college."

That makes Clint sets his glass down. "What? Really?"

Phil shrugs. "Well, almost. There was, like, a cellist back during the whole Loki taking over the world thing, but she sort of moved to Oregon, so that ended about a week after I got out of the hospital. Nothing between or after that, though. I'm too busy for any sort of relationship, you know? I'm too busy taking care of all of _you_ guys." He purses his lips. "Actually, lately I've just sort of been hanging out with you."

Clint's heart leaps into his throat for a second before he calms himself down. "Ha, yeah, sorry about that, I'm kind of clingy when I find somebody I think is cool."

"Naw, man, it's cool, I like you." He finishes his glass. "You're cool. You're funny. You've got some pretty legit prank ideas, and the amount of times you've actually gotten me out of shit with Fury is unbelievable. I bet you didn't even know that."

Clint smiles. A warm smile that makes him want to punch himself in the face. "No, I had no idea."

Phil smirks. "Yeah, well, anyway, I'm tired as fuck and you sort of woke me up in the middle of sleeping, so I'm going to get back to that."

Clint blushes a bit and folds his part of the paper back together with Phil's so he can hide his face. "Oh, right, yeah, oops, I forgot about that. Thanks for the tea, and I'll totally stay on your couch. It's probably more comfortable than my hammock anyway."

"Yeah, I've seen your room. You really need a real bed."

"Too much work." He stands as Phil sets their glasses in the sink, and as Clint looks around some more he realizes that there's no dishwasher in here. Good gods, Phil Office Drone SHIELD Agent Coulson _washes his own fucking dishes_.

"Yeah, definitely getting those pills," Clint mutters, shuffling quickly out of the kitchen.

"Read the label!" Phil calls after him.

"Yeah, yeah, sure." Clint just sits on the bathroom floor for at least ten minutes, wishing to Odrin (shit, that is so _not_ the name of Thor's dad; he should know this by now) that it wouldn't be all of three thousand things (and none of them good) to jack off to someone in their own bathroom before you go to sleep with the help of their pills. So he just quick pees before swallowing the pills with water from the sink and bunkering down on the couch, falling asleep in seconds.

**XxX**

_March 25…_

Clint wakes up because he hears a clatter, and he sits up with hands in a position to be holding a gun—except that he doesn't actually have one. He sighs, rubbing his hands down his face as last night floods back to him. He's such an idiot.

He stumbles into the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe as Phil is boiling some water in a tea kettle.

"Hi," he says.

Phil looks back and nods. "Morning," he says, turning around completely. "Sleep well?"

"Definitely. Thanks for, uh, letting me use your couch."

He shrugs, pulling out two mugs. "Anytime, man. Do you drink tea?"

Clint cocks an eyebrow. Phil drinks tea? That is so weird. "Yeah, sure."

"Take a seat, then."

He does, and Phil comes over a few moments later to sit across from him at the small table. Clint downs half of his glass before taking a deep breath. "Hey, Phil?"

Phil doesn't look up. Just takes a sip of tea. "Yeah?"

"Random question. It's early and I'm bored, I guess." Bullshit. "If you could see my heart, what would you do?"

He shrugs. "Take you to the hospital."

Clint snorts. "Sometimes I want Natasha around, like, all the time, just so I can hear her laugh at you."

"I am pretty funny. Stark's got some competition. Anyway, in all seriousness, I'd probably just apologize, because I know what you went through when Loki could see it."

Clint blushes a bit. Not a good blush, either. One of those "damn I still need to shove an arrow through his eye don't I" blushes. Well, okay, so not very many people get those, but still. "Yeah, okay, good answer."

"Why?"

"No reason."

"Wow, you're almost a worse liar than Loki."

"…but he's the God of Lies…"

"Yeah, and I'm Phil fucking Coulson. Tell me why."

"Dude, I'm early and it's bored, leave me alone."

Phil looks up, setting down his book and tea mug. "Something is really bothering you."

Clint frowns.

"Do you even know what you just did?"

"Well, whatever it was, I lied, according to you."

"You just told me that you're early and it's bored. It's supposed to be that you're bored and it's early. Clint, what's wrong?"

Clint sighs, looking down at his own book. "I, uh, had a nightmare?"

Phil gives a good natured eye roll. "You suck at this."

"Whatever. You're like my best friend, okay? I was just wondering. Drink your fucking tea."

Phil rolls his eyes. "Touchy, touchy. Don't hurt yourself, Clint. Natasha will kill me."

"But…you're Phil fucking Coulson! You can't die!"

"Come on, you know Black Widow better than that."

Clint chuckles. "Alright, yeah, I do. We better just…drop the topic."

"Probably smart if I plan on living any longer."

"Whatever," Clint jokes, laughing. "Living's for the weak."

It's silent for about four seconds before Clint realizes what he just said.

"Shit, Phil, no, I am _so_ sorry, that is not what I meant at _all_!" Phil literally almost died and Clint's making jokes about it and _fuck_.

But Phil just laughs. "Whatever, Barton. It's fine."

"Ooh, _now_ who's lying? You haven't called me by my last name in months."

Phil smirks up at him. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"I have a Wii."

And the topic is dropped.

**OoOoOoO**

_BRUCE_  
_March 25…_

"Sometimes," Tony says absentmindedly, "when I close my eyes, I can't see."

Bruce pauses from the bite of rice he's about to eat, looking up at his boyfriend. "What?"

"Oh, wow, okay," Tony says, rubbing at his eyes. "Sorry, I just got lost in thought and it was some _seriously_ unfamiliar territory in there."

"I can tell. Anyway, jump back in there for a second and tell me if I need to cut my nails." He holds his hand out to him. "You know, so they don't scrape during sex."

"You mean up my ass? Yeah, those ones are getting kind of long. On the other hand, you have different fingers."

Bruce is about to show him said other fingers, but he pauses, and so does Tony.

"Did you just…" Loki asks from the other side of the table. "Was that on purpose?"

"Oh gods," Tony says, rubbing his eyes again. "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Either I need a lot more sleep or someone needs to pour me a glass of scotch."

"Sweetheart," Amora says, patting the top of his head, "you really need to stop drinking…"

"You know what?" he says with a shrug. "Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk. So shush and get me something hard."

"I think you just need a nap," Bruce says with a chuckle, kissing his temple.

Tony sighs. "That _does_ sound really nice right now…"

"Get going, then," Bruce says, ruffling up his hair. "I'll wake you up for dinner."

Tony grins and kisses him softly. "I love you."

Bruce smirks. "I know."

**OoOoOoO**

_CLINT  
March 26…_

Clint grins broadly as he bounds into the rec room the next day, having slept on Phil's couch again last night since he accidentally stayed over the entire day. Hopefully he didn't bother him at all, it being his day off and whatnot… "Who wants to play Mario Kart Wii with me?!" he bellows.

It's only got Natasha, Tony, Steve, and Thor in it, but still, they (excluding Thor, who's zoning out at the ceiling) smile at the Wii in his hands.

"Where'd you get that?" Natasha asks.

"Um…the dump?" Clint tries.

"It's mine," Phil says, walking in behind him.

Since you can only have four players at a time, Clint plays with Natasha, Tony, and Steve while Phil watches and Thor continues to not pay attention to anything.

They've played about three rounds now, and Steve has slowly began becoming more and more aggressive. By the time they're on the third course of their fourth round…damn.

"SUCK MY STAR SPANGLED DICK, MOTHERFUCKERS!" he screams. "I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU SO HARD, YOUR _CHILDREN_ WILL SHIT MUSHROOMS!"

Clint actually forgets to keep pressing the button that will make him go at that point, just sort of…pausing and turning to stare at Steve. Tony, sitting between him and the blonde, has already done the same.

"DID YOU JUST FUCKING BLUE-SHELL ME?!" Steve shouts at Natasha.

Natasha, without missing a beat and without any emotion at all, says, "Yup."

Clint decides right then that he's never playing video games with Steve again.

**OoOoOoO**

_THOR  
March 26…_

Thor suddenly realizes that he is surrounded by more than just Lady Natasha, Anthony, and Steven. Phillip and Clinton are there as well, staring with wide eyes at Steven as he uses every word under the sun while playing with the…well, the white controllers and white box connected to the television screen.

Before Thor can ask what is going on, though, his brother walks in, and a sad smile washes over Thor's face. They have been…very distant since the war, and especially in the last few months. For some reason Loki does not even like looking at him anymore. It hurts his feelings very much.

"What in the Allfather's name is that _racket_?" he snaps.

"It's Steve," Phillip says, pointing at the screen. "Mario Kart sets him on edge, apparently."

Loki laughs, swinging to sit beside Natasha. "How _fascinating_."

Thor sighs, forcing himself to look away from him. _It makes me so happy to see you smile_, he thinks to himself. _I bet it looks beautiful to see up close…_

Because Loki will smile for anyone—anyone but his own brother. It does not matter that they are not bonded by blood, they were still raised together. There are many families with adopted children. Why is it that Loki cannot see that Thor loves him more dearly than anything in all the realms? Thor would do anything for him…

**OoOoOoO**

_PHIL  
March 26…_

When everyone has grown bored of the Wii, Phil finds that only he, Bruce, and Loki are in the rec room now. Bruce came in when Tony left with Clint, Natasha, and Thor, and now the three left have just been watching random TV shows that come on for the last two hours, probably.

Phil looks over at Loki when the god sighs and starts to pluck absentmindedly at the unraveling string of Bruce's t-shirt. He usually doesn't touch people unless it's to piss them off, and he's definitely not trying to piss _Bruce_ off, so the agent knows that something is wrong right away, especially because Loki is being absentminded, which he never is—and in _public_, in which Phil is sitting a few spots away from him, where all of this could totally be used against him. And apparently Bruce notices too, because he speaks to him:

"Tired?" he asks.

"No…" Loki says quietly. "Bored, maybe."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I need a change of scenery or…something. I just feel like someone has left my cage open, and I hate myself for not running."

"Just go travel the world," Bruce says. "That's what I did."

The god sits up. "Really? What places?"

Bruce shrugs. "I don't know. Lots of places. I liked the places where I could see the Wonders of the World most, I think, because I'm a tourist like that."

"I've been to Egypt," Phil says, leaning over to them. "I mean, for the pyramids. Ran into a whole flock of the Weasley's, even. It was great."

Loki frowns. "The who?"

"Never mind. The point is you should…go somewhere. I mean, get out, see some more stuff. You're around people you hate and that hate you all the time; no wonder you're miserable."

"I'm not miserable," Loki mutters.

"Yes you are."

"I'm not miserable. I'm just bored."

"Then go somewhere!" Bruce says.

"But I don't know where to go!"

Phil shrugs, scooting closer to him. "Close your eyes and say the first place that comes to your head. If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there. But _first_, I would like to enact a truce between our two parties."

Loki cocks an eyebrow and sits up even straighter, finally letting go of Bruce's shirt. "Go on."

"I'm saying that I'm now finally accepting your apology for nearly killing me."

Loki leans closer to him, staring intently at him. "What's the catch?'

Phil smirks. "So I've got this plan…"

**OoOoOoO**

_CLINT  
March 26…_

"Hey, Clint," Bruce says, appearing in the doorway of his bedroom literally _right_ as he's waking up. The clock reads eight in the morning. "There's something that Loki wants you to see in the Helicarrier."

Clint looks up at him with a frown. "The big flying thing that I was on when Natasha knocked me out to get me out of Loki's spell?"

"Yeah, that one."

He sighs, standing up. "Why I'm doing this for _Loki_ I don't even know. How far away is it, anyway?"

"Straight up, actually."

He smiles, grabbing his bow and the keys to his favorite helicopter. "How convenient. You comin' with?"

"No, I don't have time. He just sent a message down and I happened to be the one who got it."

"Alright, see you later then!"

Clint makes his way to where the helicopters are kept before climbing into his favorite one, using his sonar's to make sure he doesn't fly up and hit the bottom of the Helicarrier. Once getting permission to land, he asks around to see if anybody knows where Loki is. They don't seem to even know about him being on the ship, though, so—

"Oh, he's with Agent Coulson!" some rookie lookin' agent says. "They're in the…um…" He frowns. "The one room with the glass cage in it that was at first designed to hold the Hulk but now everybody trusts him and stuff so it's just something to hold anybody else we scrounge up."

"Thanks, kid," Clint says, patting the top of his head before he heads off.

"Loki?" he calls when he walks in, looking around.

Nobody's here.

He frowns, walking around the back way, away from all the controls and stuff. Is the guy hiding or something? Why is he even up here? And why is _Phil_ here?

"Phil?" he calls.

"You're just in time, Agent Barton!" Loki's voice calls, echoing through the room.

Clint drops into a fighting stance and looks around the room, but he still sees nobody.

"Loki, what the hell are you doing?" he asks.

"Why, getting back at you, of course," he replies.

Clint's made it just far enough around the glass cage that he can see the control panels clearly, and that's when he sees Phil, standing there with a very big gun and pointing it slightly to his left, to where Loki is standing and looking extremely aggravated.

"Even you must remember what it does," Phil says, taking a step towards him.

"Phil!" Clint says. "What is going on? What did Loki do? Why are you aiming that at him?"

"He deserves this," Phil says, glaring with such intense hatred at the god that Clint doesn't know what to do. "I'm going to shoot him until he dies or it runs out. Whichever comes first."

That's when another Loki appears behind him, thrusting a pointed, barbed staff through Phil's chest.

Clint's heart shatters. It happened again. It's happening all over again. But this time Clint is here to watch it; this time he's not under Loki's spell, so he's able to understand what's going on.

"You bastard!" he screams at Loki, instantly bursting into tears. It doesn't matter that he's been trained to keep all his emotions to himself in times like these. He just breaks down. "What the hell did we ever do to you? What did we do for you to do _this_?"

Loki gives an evil smirk before simply shimmering away.

Clint leaps over to Phil, breathing raggedly on the ground.

"Phil!" he yells, not moving him at all, just resting his hands on the sides of his face. He's in such a position that moving him would just make it worse. "This can't be happening! Not again, dammit! You can't die, do you understand? Do you hear me?"

Phil smiles and coughs up a bit of blood. "It was never going to work any other way, Clint," he says.

"What?" Clint says, rubbing his hand over the top of Phil's hair. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You'll be fine without me, won't you?"

"No!" Clint yells. "No, you don't understand! Natasha's always right, you know? And she's always told me that love is for children, but she's _wrong_ this time. She doesn't know what she's talking about because she's never felt like this before! You can't die, Phil. I love you, don't you understand that? And maybe she is right about it only being for children, but that's okay too because we act like children when we're around each other, right? So it works out either way! You can't die, Phil, because I'll die with you…" He bends down and kisses his forehead softly.

**OoOoOoO**

_LOKI_

_March 26…_

Loki smirks. He's standing in the same spot that Clint was before he "stabbed Phil". Of course, it's not really Phil. It's one of Loki's clones disguised to _look_ like Phil. The real Phil is standing beside him right now, jaw dropped, incredulous to what he's seeing and hearing.

Loki bends down to his ear and whispers, "Go get him."

Phil takes a few steps forward before stopping again, holding tightly to the railing. "Clint?"

Clint snaps his head over to him, eyes wide and wet.

"I…uh…I didn't know you'd take it so hard," Phil chokes out.

Clint leaps into a standing position, _staring_ at Phil, and Loki snaps his fingers to make the clone shimmer away.

"I thought I'd just be…it was just a joke," Phil says, letting go of the railing and taking a few steps forward. "I—I was just pulling a prank on you for waking me up at two in the morning a few nights ago. It wasn't supposed to hurt you so much. It just—"

"_Wasn't supposed to hurt me_?" Clint yells, walking up to him with clenched fists. "You dying wasn't supposed to hurt me? You bastard!" he says, stopping a step and a half away from Phil. "How the hell would this _not_ hurt me? I can't believe you would possibly—"

Phil shuts him up by closing that step and a half and kissing him. Clint throws his arms around Phil's neck and pushes up on his tiptoes even though they're the same height, and Phil wraps his arms tightly around Clint's waist.

Loki smirks again. He's so good at this. First getting Thor thrown to Midgard so he met Jane (granted, he disapprove at first, but now it's fine), then suggesting to Steve that Tony would be perfect for Bruce and ultimately getting them together because Steve convinced Tony, and now agreeing to Phil's plan because he knew exactly how it would pan out.

"Ah yes," he says, gathering up his magic. "Loki Laufeyson, accidentally bringing couples together since…well, whatever year it is, anyway." He uses his gathered magic to teleport Phil and Clint to Phil's bedroom (Phil's partly because it's in a private household and partly because Clint doesn't have a real bed; sex in a hammock would be rather difficult) before clasping his hands together and popping off to visit with Hela for a while.

**OoOoOoO**

_CLINT  
March 27..._

Clint wakes up only because someone is shaking him lightly. Well…he doesn't _wake_ up…it's more a "I think I'm just dreaming" kind of thing._  
_

"Clint, babe," washes over him like he really is in a dream, and it just lulls him back to sleep more because it's so perfect. "Clint, wake up, Natasha just called your cell phone and I told her you were showering. She didn't believe me, but you should convince her. Unless you want to tell her, I guess, to which I'm okay with. I just mean if you're…not."

Clint still can't move. He just…ugh. He can't. He wants to sleep for the rest of his life.

Phil sighs. "You leave me no choice, agent…" He starts singing: "Sherlock and John, sitting in a tree. S-O-L-V-I-N-G. First comes the Woman. Then comes the Hound. Then comes Sherlock hitting the Ground."

Clint forces his eyes open just to glare at him. "I hate you."

"I know. Should I call her back and tell her you went back to sleep?"

"Fuck yes."

"That all?"

He smirks tiredly. "Tell her I'm tired as fuck because my ass is sore because my boyfriend is damn relentless."

Phil smirks and Clint just buries his face in the pillow, listening closely as Phil dials up Natasha again.

"Widow?" Pause. "Yes, yes, it's me." Pause. "Yeah, no, I know you knew he wasn't really in the shower." Pause. "…maybe." Pause. "His exact words?" Pause. "Okay. Brace yourself." Pause. "No, not literally! Turn this off speaker this instant, agent." Pause. "No I do not care _if_ it's just Thor, he's the biggest blabbermouth of us all and he doesn't even try to—no offence, buddy." Pause. "Alright, alright, here. Exact from the hawk's mouth, 'Tell her I'm tired as fuck because my ass is sore and my boyfriend is damn relentless." A pause and a laugh. "Yes that's exactly what he said, you know I don't make stuff up like that." Pause. "No you cannot speak to him. He's already half asleep."

Clint sighs, turning his head. "Just rest it against my face," he says. "She'll come over here if I don't say _something_."

Phil rolls his eyes and does that, holding it to the side of Clint's head. "Yes, oh mighty assassin goddess?" he says tiredly.

"Phil. Fucking. Coulson?" she says. "Clint, he's like our _boss_! What the hell?"

"Shut up, I'm a weird guy, you know that. Can I go now?"

"Whatever. I'm totally going to sleep with Thor or something just so you can freak out too."

"But he's with…" He sighs, closing his eyes. "Whatever. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Ooh, I know that tone. Tell me everything. I mean, later, of course. And I'll invite Steve too because he's even more of a gossip than I am and he needs the social situation to curb his fear of personal informa—no, no, Thor, do not _touch_ that, it is _breakable_!" She hangs up.

"She hung up," he says to Phil, who does the same before tossing Clint's phone onto the floor with his clothes.

"What'd she say?" he asks.

"Eh, the usual. Threatened me a bit and then told me she was going to sleep with Thor to freak me out or something."

Phil laughs lightly, sinking back down into the covers, an arm draping over Clint's back, making him smile. "I love Sunday's," they both breathe at once before sharing a smirk.

"Are you going to go back to sleep?" Phil asks.

"I was going to try."

"Good, because that phone call woke me up, too."

"Yeah, Natasha's good at that."

"I'm well aware."

**XxX**

_March 27…_

Clint wakes up who knows how long later, stretching his arms out in front of him and arching his back to get out some kinks. When he looks up, he's surprised but also not surprised to see that Phil is sitting up with _The Hunger Games_ in his hands, just sort of…staring at him.

"Hi?" he says, giving him a smile.

"Sorry," Phil breathes, not looking sorry at all. "I watched you while you were sleeping."

Clint is about to smile and ask him what's in his notebook, but Phil stops and groans before slumping down onto the bed more. "Oh _no_," he groans.

Clint frowns, pushing up on his elbows. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"That's what I said to him when I first met him, oh my gods! I didn't even realize how creepy I sounded until this moment!"

"Dude, help me out here."

"When I first met Steve, I was all, 'It's an honor to meet you officially. I sorta met you, I mean… I watch you while you were sleeping.' Clint, I said that to him! My hero! And he gave me this…this _look_ that was like, 'I don't care if that's acceptable in this century, it's creepy.' And…oh gods."

Clint just bursts into laughter, smashing his face into his pillow so Phil won't see that he's crying as well. "Well that's a lasting impression," he eventually says, looking back up. "How long have you been awake?"

He shrugs, marks his page, and sets it aside. "Not very long." He slides down and cuddles up to Clint, kissing him softly. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeaaah," Clint says, kissing him harder. "Except…"

Phil frowns. "Except what?"

"How the _fuck_ could you do that to me?" he growls.

Phil laughs. "I honestly did not think you would take it so hard. I'd say I was sorry, but…well, look at us now."

Clint rolls his eyes. "So the consequences were _totally_ worth it, yes. I just…did you and Loki make a truce just for that and you hate him again?"

"Actually, we were talking yesterday, and…well, I forgave him."

Clint's jaw drops. "What? No way! We agreed that was impossible!"

Phil shrugs a bit. "Well I don't know… It's sort of fun to do the impossible, don't you think?"

Clint sighs. "I'll get there _later_. I just…ugh. Was Bruce in on it too?"

Phil grins. "Yeah, he was there when I told Loki my plan, so he agreed to be the one to get you to go up there."

"Bastard. It's bad enough he's got the worst ass out there, but this isn't helping."

"Oh come on, his ass isn't _that_ bad…"

"I don't care what _you_ think. I don't like it."

Phil rolls his eyes, kissing him again. "I love you too," he says.

Clint's face envelopes into an embarrassingly large smile. "Really?"

He nods. "When did you…am I allowed to ask that? When you fell in love with me?"

Clint nods.

Phil smiles. "When did you fall in love with me?"

"I have no idea, but I _realized_ I had just when I woke you up a couple days ago."

Phil laughs. "I get it now. It was when you set down your glass and whispered 'shit', right? And that's why you were asking about seeing your heart and all that the next morning."

"Yup, that's it."

He laughs. "I can't believe I fell for the nightmare thing."

"Hey now, I really was having those! They just happened to be a brilliant subject change as well. The pills came in great handy, by the way."

Phil rubs the tip of their noses together. "You're welcome."

Clint purses his lips.

Phil frowns. "What is it?"

"I just…you forgave Loki and then had him help you reenact the very reason you had to forgive him in the first place. You were okay with that? It didn't hurt at all?"

Phil shrugs. "Maybe right at first, but it's not like I actually died or anything. I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing, and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time. Thing is, nobody ever said my name, so I only died once, and I guess that's not enough to actually die. Maybe it hurts right when it's brought up, but it doesn't bother me _that_ much."

"Well it seemed to bother you a ton when I made a joke about it the morning after I slept on your couch…"

He chuckles. "That was different. It was coming from you."

Phil purses his lips again. "Did you realize you were in love with me just this morning, or was it…sometime before?"

"We sort of happened the same," he says. "I have no idea _when_ I fell in love with you, but I realized it when I heard you say it. One of those 'oh my gods I've been in love this whole time' sort of things."

Clint smiles and kisses him lightly. "How wonderful."

**OoOoOoO**

_PHIL  
March 29…_

After much deliberation, Phil and Clint mutually decided that they would keep their relationship secret from everyone but Natasha and Loki. Clint doesn't really care, but it's for Phil's sake so that Fury doesn't swoop in on him for "fraternizing sexually with his job".

So, they're pretending like everything is normal, which means sitting in the rec room on the couch with Clint flopped over Phil's lap and Loki sighing some more on his end of the couch.

"What's wrong _now_?" Phil asks, rolling his eyes.

"The Allfather is coming to visit tomorrow," he mutters darkly.

"Ohhh…" Clint says, dropping his neck back to look at him. "You're adopted dad, right?"

Loki hisses a little. "Yes, my _adopted dad_. I should just leave before he gets here…"

Clint grins. "We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go."

Phil chuckles. Phil may have forgiven Loki, and he may have gotten him and Clint together, but Clint is still in the process of "doing the impossible" himself. "Sorry about him, Lo'. In his eyes, some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

"I don't see why you keep complaining about your life," Clint says, ignoring Phil's apology for him. "I mean, come on, you're going to live forever."

"I don't want to live forever," he mutters. "I'm not even sure I want the time I have. I spend enough time lying awake, thinking about the past. Living forever would be hell. My favorite time of the day is the morning, you know? Because waking up is nice for those first few moments before you remember who and what you are."

Phil and Clint blink at him. "Damn," Clint eventually says. "That's…that's very deep."

Phil smiles, pushing his fingers through Clint's hair but still looking at Loki. "Get out of here, man. You're going to shrivel up and die with us."

Loki gives a very small smile. "I know I will." And with a snap of his fingers, he's gone.

**OoOoOoO**

_NATASHA  
March 30…_

Natasha stretches as she walks into the rec room, smiling warmly when she sees everybody in it. Odin, here for a visit (to which Loki ran away from; who knows when he'll come back, though) is sitting in Tony's usual spot, and that just messes up everybody, so they're all over the place. Natasha goes straight to Thor's shoulders, though. She fucking loves heights…

"_The first laundry detergent that's Chuck Norris approved__!_" the TV screams, and most everybody ignores it, but Odin is absolutely rapt.

"This is very sad," he says quietly, tapping his chin.

"Chuck Norris?" Tony gasps. "_Sad_? Chuck Norris once dug a hole with a spoon. This hole is also known as the Grand Canyon!"

"Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed fifty people, and_ then_ the grenade blew up," Bruce says, looking up as well.

Clint looks up too. "Chuck Norris' dog picks up his own shit because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anybody!"

Even Steve joins in: "Chuck Norris doesn't know where you live, but he knows where you'll die."

Odin simply rolls his eyes. "I _made_ Chuck Norris," he mutters.

Natasha bursts into laughter, and the only reason that she doesn't fall off of Thor's shoulders is because Thor automatically reaches up and holds her there.

Thor is…very quiet, though, even though his father is here to visit. Natasha knows that he's just sad that Loki left. He was whistling this morning, very excited for them to see each other after so long, but then he found out that Loki "ran away" sometime yesterday afternoon. Poor guy.

**OoOoOoO**

_BRUCE  
March 30…_

Odin left later, because he couldn't leave his kingdom for too long, and everybody just sort of…spread out. It's weird not having Loki around, even though he's been gone this long before. It's just the idea that nobody knows when he's coming _back_.

Steve comes down to visit with Bruce and Tony in the lab for a while, and after a while Bruce notices that Tony is just staring at him.

"What?" he says, looking down at himself. "I thought I was attractive covered in oil?"

Tony laughs. "No, I was just looking at your eyes. They're the most beautiful brown I've ever seen."

Steve cocks an eyebrow. "I thought you said if you notice their eyes on the first date it's because their boobs are too small."

Tony rolls his eyes. "Okay, first off, Bruce and I have been on multiple dates now. Second, he don't _have_ boobs."

"I might as well, the way you grab at them," Bruce says as he goes back to working on a new foot for Tony's suit.

"HOW ABOUT THAT WEATHER?" Steve asks loudly, but Tony just laughs and kisses Bruce on the mouth.

Steve grumbles to himself and leaves, then, leaving them to their own.

"Ugh," Tony says at length, flicking motor oil off of his forehead. "I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a shower…" He leans down to Bruce's ear. "But with me in it."

Bruce chuckles. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

Tony grins. "I hate being sexy, but somebody's gotta do it!"

Bruce goes up to shower with him before coming back down by himself, Tony declaring that he's going to clean his room back from when he broke up with Pepper. They've been moving back and forth between his and Bruce's rooms, but Bruce usually likes his most since he can't walk through Tony's room without stepping on something.

Bruce sighs after a long while. Not a sad sigh. Just a sigh. One of those "I just spent the last four hour scrolling through badly photo shopped pictures on the internet so I guess I should get up now" kind of sighs. But he doesn't get up, because he's not hungry and he doesn't have to pee yet. He just keeps scrolling through Tony's locked files that are so easy to break into when you know him well enough that it's not even funny.

After a few more minutes he stumbles upon something that was just made a few minutes ago:

_To-Do List_

_1. Make a to-do list  
2. Check off the first thing on the to do list  
3. Realize you've already accomplished two things  
4. Reward yourself with a nap_

Bruce stares at it for a few _more_ minutes until simply telling Jarvis to turn everything off before going upstairs to join Tony with that nap of his.

**OoOoOoO**

_CLINT_  
_March 31..._

Clint sighs, swinging around in the hammock he has in place of a bed, wishing that Phil didn't have to go to SHIELD headquarters today. He's in the middle of a meeting that's probably very boring, reporting to Fury and multiple others how things are coming along with the Avengers. All of the other handlers are there as well.

He pulls out his cell phone and sends Phil a text: **I bet ure bored as fuck. Wanna hear a joke?**

"**I definitely am. Go ahead.**"

Clint giggles. "**Why did the pirate cross the ocean?**"

"**Why?**"

"**To get to the other tide!**"

"**Lol, you WOULD send the dumbest joke possible.**"

"**No, no, ive got another 1: ****what did 1 ocean say to the other?**

Then, another text before Phil can answer: **Nothing he just waved****.**"

"**Haha, alright, I'm going to get in trouble. I'll see you later tonight, ok?**"

"**But ****do u sea what I did there****?**"

"**Clint, honestly?**"

"**Searioulsy, do u?**"

"**Yes, I gotta go.**"

"**Are u shore?**"

"**…**"

"**No need to be a beach.**"

"**Clint, stop, I am ****_working_****.**"

"**Water u saying?**"

"**You're one more joke closer to being single**."

Clint knows he's not serious. He'll just turn his phone on silent. "**Shell I stop then****?**"

"**That's it, I'm done!**"

He giggles. "**Ok I guess I'll go krill myself now****.**"

When Phil doesn't answer him, he sends another: "**I just tide**."

And then he just…keeps…sending them:

"**Noo, I fish u would come back :/**

**I wand sand u anymore messages.**

**Or at least my responses won't be as pacific**

**Whale, I guess ure not coming back…**

**Water u up to?**

**I'm just tiding up the place.**

**Dam you.**

**Sorry, that's what 1 river said to the other!**

**I'm going to make you walk the plankton.**

**Are you tide of these jokes? Cause I understand that after a whale they get****annoying. I think its on porpoise though.**

He sighs, realizing that, yeah, he might have taken it too far by now…

**What did one volcano say to the other?**

**I lava you :)**

A few minutes later, his phone buzzes: "**I lava you too. Now shut the fuck up.**"

He grins.

**Yes sir.**

He is _really_ going to get it when Phil gets back tonight.

* * *

Author's notes: Alright, all done! :) Next we have the a little bit longer Part IV, wherein Loki and Darcy get together (which means we get to see what Loki's decided to be up to), and also Steve and Maria! Woo :)

**XxXxX**

References: There are only 29 references in this section:

**0.** The appropriate response to reality is to go insane." Said by Philip K. Dick.

**1.** "A certain darkness is needed to see the stars." I got the graphic the words were on from .

**2.** "Please don't wake up. I don't want to die." This was an xkcd comic; you have to look him up he's fucking hilarious.

**3.** "If you could see my heart, what would you do?"  
"Take you to the hospital."  
Just some conversation I stole from tumblr whoops.

**4.** "Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can't see." Alpner.

**5.** "I just got lost in thought and it was some _seriously_ unfamiliar territory in there." I do not know, but I do know that the actually whatever has a rather different wording. Whatever.

**6.** "On the other hand, you have different fingers." Said by Jack Handey.

**7.** "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**8.** "Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk." I have no idea.

**9.** "SUCK MY STAR SPANGLED DICK, MOTHERFUCKERS! I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU SO HARD, YOUR _CHILDREN_ WILL SHIT MUSHROOMS! DID YOU JUST FUCKING BLUE-SHELL ME?!"  
"Yup."  
Ugh I wish I knew it's fucking hilarious! It just says "MECHI" down at the bottom.

**10.** "It makes me so happy to see you smile. I bet it looks beautiful to see up close." Asofterworld.

**11.** "I feel like someone has left my cage open and I hate myself for not running." Asofterworld.

**12.** "If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there." Said by Lewis Carol.

**13.** "Sherlock and John, sitting in a tree. S-O-L-V-I-N-G. First comes the Woman. Then comes the Hound. Then comes Sherlock hitting the Ground." From a Steven Moffat tweet, I'm pretty sure.

**14.** "I don't care if that's acceptable in this century, it's creepy." Okay this is a hilarious tumblr post so if you want the link just ask :)

**15.** "It's sort of fun to do the impossible." Said by Walt Disney.

**16.** "They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing, and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time." Said by Banksy.

**17.** "We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go." Alpner.

**18.** "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**19.** "I don't want to live forever. I'm not even sure I want the time I have. Asofterworld.

**20.** I spend enough time lying awake, thinking about the past. Living forever would be hell." Asofterworld.

**21.** "Waking up is nice for those first few moments before you remember who and what you are." Asofterworld.

**22.** "The first laundry detergent that's Chuck Norris approved!" I don't know but it's a real commercial I swear.

**23.** "Chuck Norris once dug a hole with a spoon. This hole is also known as the Grand Canyon!"  
"Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed fifty people, and then the grenade blew up."  
"Chuck Norris' dog picks up his own shit because Chuck Norris doesn't take shit from anybody!"  
"Chuck Norris doesn't know where you live, but he knows where you'll die."  
I may or may not have texted Cha Cha for these…

**24.** "I _made_ Chuck Norris." This was written on a big sign outside of a church and signed "God".

**25.** "I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a shower, but with me in it." I got it from Alpner, but I want to say it was said by Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men… I don't know.

**26.** "I hate being sexy, but somebody's gotta do it!" Alpner.

**27.** To-Do List

1. Make a to-do list  
2. Check off the first thing on the to do list  
3. Realize you've already accomplished two things  
4. Reward yourself with a nap

**28.** I'm not writing the whole thing out but everything underlined in the text conversation between Clint and Phil was just off of some smartphOWNED thing I found.


	4. Part IV

[Part summary: In which Loki doesn't know how to fix himself and let's the mortals do it for him, Darcy is the witch of her age, Steve is terrified, and Maria pretty much hates everyone.]

**Part IV**

_I'm so tired of people needing a reason  
for doing everything in their lives.  
Do it because you want to.  
Because it's fun.  
Because it makes you happy._

_LOKI  
Two Months and Five Days Later  
June 5  
Wednesday…_

Loki sighs, looking down from on top of the building he's on. It's a hotel, he thinks, overlooking the beach. He's got one foot up on the ledge and the other back, arms crossed, and hair undone from the ponytail he's been wearing it in lately so that it whips around his face in the wind. He's not really sure what time it is…just that it's almost dark out.

He's been all over the world, now, just in the last sixty-six days. Alaska, Mexico, Antarctica, Egypt, Spain, France, London of the United Kingdom, Scotland, the middle of Russia, Hong Kong at the bottom of China, North Korea, Japan, Australia, and New Zealand. He even spent a few days on uncharted islands in random oceans, trying to live off the land instead of his magic. He went all over the place, only for a few days each—Egypt, London, and New Zealand for the longest, because he liked it there the most. Granted, they weren't as cold as he would have liked, but that was dealt with easily with simple charms. He's in Canon Beach, Oregon as of now, deciding he'd rather be in a place he completely understands than cultures he'll possibly get stoned in.

With another sigh he leaps forward, sailing across the sky before landing on the sand. He walks up a pair of stairs to the sidewalk, following on the left side to whatever it takes him to. Nobody really knows who he is way over here, considering that he started with the other side of this country to take over the world. He'd do it again if he thought he could, but he'd just get beaten down again—especially now that he doesn't have his army. Whatever happened to them…well, he doesn't know.

There's ice cream across the street, and he's tempted to go and get some (it is summer, after all, in early June), but on his side is something that looks so much more fun. Something about bumper cars, miniature golf, and…

He closes his eyes and uses his magic to figure out what the other presence is, finding that it's a sort of meeting. One for people just like him. Really? That exists? _Ex-Bad Guys Anonymous_? He shrugs and goes inside, cloaking himself so they don't notice him as much as they would if he just randomly walked in on the middle of it.

"I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on earth. Then I ask myself the same question," one of the men says. "So here I am now, traveling the world. I started in Alaska, actually, and a friend of mine that's letting me stay with her referred me here. I haven't gotten very far yet, but I've got the money and the time, so I'm doing what I can."

Loki rolls his eyes, leaning against the wall in the back. _Traveling the world isn't all it's cracked up to be_, he thinks, crossing his arms. _I was looking for myself and I found everybody else instead._

A woman raises her hand, and who looks like the hosts nods at her.

"I'm Catherine Wagner, and I used to be a bad guy," she says, smiling brightly at everyone.

"Hi Catherine," the room echoes.

She smiles again and looks at the man who was first talking. "Damien, I really hope traveling the world works for you, because for me it just made me worse. When I was a child"—she looks about in her forties as of now—"my father had to move a lot for his job, so I moved around from places like Australia to India to Venezuela and then back to New Zealand. All that movement and new cultures gave me great connections everywhere, so it was easy for me to become a criminal because I had so many people to help me out." She sits up straighter. "I just want you to know that sometimes it's not traveling _everything_ that you need, but simply getting new friends in the place you already are."

The room claps. Loki just wrinkles his nose up, though. Was that supposed to be profound? What is this, anyway? It looks like everybody is just people who have gotten out of jail for killing someone or people that used to work for mob bosses. Compared to Loki these people aren't bad guys…these people are _lucky_.

Another man speaks, talking about self harm and things… "Depression is like slashing at ghosts. Of course it's tempting to finally cut something real. Our bodies are ours to break, ours to throw into rivers, ours to light on fire, ours to launch into space…."

Loki sighs. He's thinking about leaving after a few more people, but then an ugly and very large man with unattractive tattoos says something that makes him stop: "When you dance with the devil, the devil doesn't change. The devil changes you."

Loki rolls his eyes. "I gave birth to a devil," he mutters.

Literally every person in the room turns to him.

He freezes. "Sorry," he says, looking down at the ground.

"No, it's fine!" the same man says happily. "Come on in; take a seat!"

Loki licks his lips and does so, ending up between the woman who talked earlier and…someone else.

"Care to share your story, stranger?" another man asks.

Loki looks edgily around the room. "I…I guess so."

They smile, waiting.

Loki takes a deep breath. "Um, hi, I'm Loki Laufeyson, and I'm an…ex-villain."

"Hi, Loki," the room echoes. Then another man, "The Loki from New York, right?"

Loki nods.

"It's so nice to meet you," another woman says. "We've all heard so much about you."

Loki gives an embarrassed smile. "Uh…thanks."

"Please, go on," the host looking one says.

Loki nods, licking his lips again, and doesn't hold back. He tells them about being a Frost Giant and being taken to be raised in Asgard without knowing it, and then finding out about it and going on a sort of rage to destroy all of Jotunheim and become the rightful king of Asgard. He thought he truly was for a time, but now he knows better. A Frost Giant has no right on a throne of Asgard, and Thor really does deserve it now. He tells them about being in Thor's shadow all the time and his friends constantly making fun of him and…

"I just…let go," he whispers, remembering the fall. "I dropped into nothing at the end of the Bifrost, falling into the stars. Everyone was after me at the time. The Frost Giants wanted to destroy me because I tried to destroy them, and my adopted father would have punished me severely if I had stayed. Dripping venom and stitched lips, most likely. If I left I could start something else, but if I stayed…well, it's one thing to believe everyone's out to get you, quite another when it's actually true."

Catherine rests her hand on his knee. "Nobody's out for you now," she says warmly.

Loki lets out a painful laugh before ignoring her and starting up again, telling them about being picked up by the Chitauri and tortured before being convinced by the Tesseract to do everything they wanted. Taking over hearts and how long it took for Hawkeye to forgive him, nearly killing Phil and how long it took _him_ to forgive him, letting Thor drop in the glass cage, and then going to take over New York with his army. The look that Thor gave him just before they left Midgard to go back to Asgard, and the very punishment he dreaded being forced upon him.

"You were bathed in snake venom?" someone asks from before.

"Not just any snake venom," Loki says, smiling now. "The venom of my son. Jörmungandr is also known as the Midgardian serpent, and they took some of his venom. It was agonizing, but I'm very proud of him for being able to produce something so potent."

"You have children?" the host asks (Loki's just decided that that's what he is, now).

Loki nods. "Four of them."

"Tell us about them."

"The first was Fenrir, who is a giant wolf and is currently tied up for all eternity for wreaking havoc on Asgard. Hela was next, and she rules the Asgardian underworld, which is when I mentioned that I gave birth to a devil. There is more than one, you know. If there was just one he would have far too much work on his hands. Anyway, Jörmungandr was next, and fourth was Sleipnir, who is an eight-legged horse that I was forced to give to Odin as a present."

Someone raises their hand, and the host nods.

"Forgive me if I'm wrong," he says after introducing himself, "but you seem so…happy. Not completely, because reliving your past is never fun, but you seem like you'll be alright. So optimistic that you were able to live through that punishment. What's happened now? Why are you here when you now live with the Avengers in the New York mansion?"

Loki gives a curt smile. "The basis of optimism is sheer terror, really. Nobody in Asgard wants me there, so I stayed down with the very people who I tried to destroy. It excited me, for a while, the idea that I was surrounded by people that didn't want me alive…people that could kill me at any moment if they all banned together."

"Isn't that dangerous?" the same man asks. "Being around all of them?"

"An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all, I think," he says with a shrug. "Besides, we're all friends now. Iron Man's previous girlfriend takes me shopping, Captain America and I play matchmaker, and their boss sometimes lets me help him capture the next villain. So it's fun, sometimes…"

"But why are you here instead of there if it's fun? You didn't answer that part."

Loki sighs. "I _left_ because it's fun. All my life I've been around people who hate me, and I think being around people that aren't afraid of me makes me feel somewhat…useless. I'd still be a villain if it wasn't for the Avengers, so the fact that nobody sees me as a villain anymore is something I'm still not used to. I left because all of them already knew each other and were friends before I came back, so I came in the odd one in the group. They all had each other, but…for me, I was it. I'm not much, but I'm all I have. Some days are magic, and I can do anything. The other days I just have to wait, and hope it comes back."

A man on the other side of the circles raises his hand. "If I may, I think you're wrong."

Loki frowns. "What do you mean?"

"I think you're wrong about the reason that you left and about being alone. You have friends, but you're just not used to them and that scares you. You left because you're afraid of it, not because you don't like it. You know you're not useless; you just want somebody as permanent as your friends have. Somebody who can come in just as new as you so you can be afraid together. You told us that Amora used to spend time with you, but even then she would leave to go and spend time with her other friends. When she's gone, you're still alone, so you're the newest again and you don't like it."

Loki purses his lips for a moment. "What if you're right? What do I do about it?"

He gives a warm smile. "Keep traveling and find somebody you want. You say you've been looking for yourself but have instead found everybody else, and that bothers you, but I think it's the right thing to do. Don't look for yourself because you already know who you are. "The terrible things that happened to you didn't make you you. You always were. You have to look for somebody else and can then _learn_ about."

Loki manages a smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. But _first_, I think you should go and meet that girlfriend of your brothers."

Loki frowns. "Jane? Whatever for?"

"You say you don't really like your brother, right? Or you want him to love you like he did before you became a villain, unhindered and without pause. If you meet Jane then you can learn more about him, and more about what he likes, because girlfriends are good at knowing those things. That way, when you go back to him, you can know how to start again."

Loki nods slowly. "That's…that's a good idea. Thank you. I…" He breathes a laugh. "I've never taken any true advice from a human before."

The man grins. "Of course," he says, crossing his arms. "Anytime."

**XxX**

_June 5…_

Loki left almost instantly after that and used his magic to pop right on the outskirts of where Jane stays in New Mexico. The only one at the actual house was Erik Selvig, and Loki cringed at that and decided it wasn't the right time to see if he had been forgive by the man, so he searched for her with his magic and found that she was in some outlaying land and living in a motor home of sorts.

It was late, so he stayed away at first, finding a cave to stay in. And then…then he started to think. Much, much too hard. And he was having doubts about what the host had said about meeting her, and he didn't want to anymore. So he wrestled with himself in the cave for hours, wishing that he could think of _something_…

Just as he was deciding that he wasn't going to do it and was just going to keep traveling, the wall of the cave began to shimmer. It glowed and seemed to pool in on itself without disrupting the rest of the cave, and very suddenly a figure came through it. A woman in her twenties, with dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a heavy bust size. She has glasses and is dressed in a pair of pajamas.

"Wow," she says, putting her hands on her hips. "It sure is drafty in here."

Loki blinks at her a bit. She _seems_ to be fully human, but why would a full human not question walking through walls?

"You just walked through a wall and you're not panicking?" Loki asks her quietly.

"I never panic when I get lost," she says, dusting herself off a bit. "I just change where it is I want to go." She looks down at him sitting on the ground and leaning against the wall, and something flashes in her eyes as she just stares at him a bit. "Don't _you_ look cheerful," she eventually says, smiling down at him. "Just sitting in here all by your lonesome 'cause you can, then?"

Loki shrugs. "I was taught to feel, perhaps to much, the self-sufficing power of solitude."

"Dark little fellow, aren't you?" she says with a laugh, squatting down in front of him. "What's your name?"

"Loki."

"Loki who?"

"Laufeyson."

She takes his hand and shakes it. "Darcy Lewis. Nice to meet you. Any particular reason you're sitting in a cave at three in the morning?"

"Three AM…" Loki muses. "The only ones awake at three AM are the lonely and the loved. Which one are you, Darcy Lewis?"

"Loved," she says without missing a beat. "And you're obviously lonely." She sits down beside him. "Where are you from?"

"Asgard."

Her eyes widen. "Oh. _Oh_. You're Loki!" She frowns. "You tried to destroy my entire town, you know."

Loki tilts his head slightly. "How do you know it was I?"

"Because I know your brother," she scoffs. "He and my best friend have been dating for ages now."

Loki sits up straighter. "Jane Foster?"

"Yup."

Loki slumps down again. "Now I _have_ to go."

Darcy cocks an eyebrow. "Huh?"

"I'm trying to find a way to build up the friendship between Thor and I so that it's the same as it used to be," he says, pulling his knees up to his chest, "and it was suggested that I go and meet the love of my brother to see if it would help. I'm in here because I'm trying to decide if I really want to do it or not. Now that I've met you it seems that I'll have to."

Darcy grins. "Looks like you will!"

The next thing Loki knows is that she's dragging him out of the cave, and he follows with a sigh, letting her pull him down to the motor home. There's a fire out front and two logs on either side, with Jane sitting on one, notebooks and books and writing utensils splayed around her.

She looks up when Darcy calls her name, smiling warmly. "_There_ you are. I was won…" She trails off when she sees Loki, though. "Loki?" she asks quietly. "Is that you?"

Loki has talked to Jane exactly once, and it was one of the rudest things he has ever said in his life before disappearing from her and Thor.

He swallows, staying in his standing position as Darcy sits down on the log opposite from her so she doesn't have to deal with all the papers around. "Hello, Jane. I—I'm sorry for before."

She smiles again, moving multiple things aside. "It's fine," she says, patting the spot beside her. "What brings you all the way out here?"

Loki hesitates, but when Darcy whispers for him to "sit the fuck down", he does, careful not to step on anything and charming himself so that the fire does not heat him. "You."

She frowns a little. "Me? What for?"

"I…" He sighs. Is he really going to explain the reason again? Yes. Yes he is.

Jane has her lips pressed into a thin line when Loki finished, looking into the fire. "You want to be friends, then?" she asks after a few more moments.

Loki gives a silent nod, looking into the fire as well.

Darcy giggles, standing up. "I'll leave you two to bond, then."

"Where are you going?" Loki and Jane ask in unison.

"Well, I'm going to _try_ to get back to our actual house, but with the bridge out…" She shrugs. "Who knows." And with that, she walks into the side of the motor home, disappearing through the solid surface.

Jane sighs and shakes her head, but Loki smiles.

"How fascinating…" he muses.

"How _annoying_," Jane says instead.

Loki actually smiles at her. "You love my brother, correct?"

Jane gives a huge smile that's tinged with embarrassment. "I do."

"Even if he is not here very often?"

She sighs. "Even though, yes."

"Are you jealous of Natasha?"

She breathes a laugh. "Only because she gets to have him almost whenever she wants to. I know that they sleep in the same bed, too—but it's alright with me, because Thor tells me that she just needs somebody to protect her. She's spent so much time protecting herself, so…" She shrugs. "I'd rather him hold her while they sleep than have her be terrified of everything out there and hold a gun."

Loki smiles warmer. And to think, after all this time, Loki thought that Jane was not worthy of Thor's love. She's perfect… "And you're not afraid that he will instead fall in love with her?"

She laughs. "Not even a little bit. If what he's told me of her is true, she'll never fall in love with anyone."

"He could still fall in love with her, though."

She shakes her head. "Your brother isn't like that, Loki. He dedicates a certain part of himself to a person and never changes it."

Loki frowns. "What do you mean?"

"His friendship is for Natasha, his love is for me, and…" She gives a warm smile. "His brotherhood is for you, Loki. The reason that it's so hard for you to regain your old friendship is because you're denying him the ability to call you his brother."

Loki glares a little. "We _aren't_ brothers, though."

She gives a good natured eye roll and sets a hand on his thigh. "Brotherhood isn't defined by blood, Loki. You were _adopted_. Even here on earth, adopted children still refer to their adopted family as their _family_. Their parents and siblings aren't there's by blood, but they still recognize them as a part of them. Thor is a part of you, Loki; just because you don't have the same parents doesn't mean you're not brothers."

Loki stares at her, licking his lips. She's right. She can't be right. Loki's been traveling for over two months and all he had to do was come here and have this conversation with her? He hasn't even been here for thirty minutes! He spent _weeks_ around the world!

Loki manages a smile. "You're good for him, you know," he says. "He needs somebody this…sweet and quiet in this life. There are no sweet or quiet people in Asgard. But you're still tough, and he needs that too, because he's a god and he's loud and obnoxious and if you're not tough you wouldn't be able to put up with him for this long."

She smiles back at him. "Do you love anyone, Loki?"

Loki looks away. "I…I don't think so. The closest I've ever come to love was Thor, and that was just sibling love before I found out of my true Jotunheim heritage." He breathes. "Before we were old enough to understand what it meant, we used to write our names on trees and draw hearts around them. It was just a brotherly thing, really, before I started to feel like I was too far in his shadow and before our four best friends started to make fun of me all the time…" He sighs.

Jane smiles. "Want to know something?"

He shrugs. "Probably."

She's been using a stick to poke at the fire, but now she takes it and writes Thor's name in the dirt, followed by circling it. "You have to draw a circle, not a heart, around the one you love, because a heart can break but a circle goes on forever. You haven't known what to do with yourself for so long, Loki, because Thor hasn't known what to do with _you_. You denied him that brotherly love and he's shut himself down. Instead of talking to him, you just stare from a distance and hope for the best. That's now how it works, Loki."

Loki blinks at her some more. "You know, you humans are a lot smarter than I thought you were."

She laughs, poking at the fire some more. It doesn't actually need it, so it must just be something to do. "And I thought you _gods_ always had the answer until I actually met you."

Loki sighs, picking up his own stick and doing his own poking. "You're right, but…I don't think I'm ready yet, you know? I'm not sure if I'll be able to call him my brother again yet."

She smiles. "That's okay. You can stay with me, Darcy, and Erik until you are, if you want. Thor visits sometimes, though, so…" She shrugs. "You'll either have to be ready when he comes next or hide somewhere. I won't tell him that you're here, of course."

Loki gives her a very hopeful smile. "You really don't care if I stay with you? What about Erik? I took over his body, after all…"

She giggles daintily. "He'll be fine. He finds you rather fascinating, actually."

Loki's hopeful smile turns warm. "I'd like to take you up on your hospitality, if you don't mind. I can get to know the three of you better, and by getting to know you, maybe I'll get to know Thor better."

Jane smiles. "I'd like that very much."

**OoOoOoO**

_MARIA  
Just Under One Month Later  
July 4  
Thursday…_

The Independence Day of the United States of America is Maria's favorite holiday—and yes, it was _before_ she started crushing on Steve. It's his birthday today, which is so hilariously appropriate that even Fury laughed. Maria's own birthday was back on April third, and Phil's was one day before hers, plus when they all decided to celebrate Thor's on the random date of June seventeenth.

As of now, all of those that live in the Avengers Mansion more often than not, plus Maria, Pepper, and Happy, are up on the mansion roof to celebrate Steve's ninety-fifth birthday.

Steve just sigh, though, looking down at the mess of flame that is his birthday cake.

"What's wrong, Steve?" Maria asks, resisting the urge to take his hand. She's standing right beside him, after all.

He looks down at her with a sad look. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

They all eat the cake out in the beautiful sun, soaking in as much as they can. About halfway through Maria's second piece, though (it's Steve's birthday; she will indulge as she pleases), she notices that Clint is staring across the table at Phil. Are those bedroom eyes? No way…

**OoOoOoO**

_CLINT  
July 4…_

How Clint and Phil have managed to keep their relationship a secret for this long is completely beyond Clint—and not just because he's always caught staring. Just today, at Steve's birthday party on the roof (where they've brought up a big table and some cheers), he's been caught eight times by Bruce, Maria might have caught him once, Natasha just smirks at him the whole time because she actually knows what's going on, and the others are oblivious.

He's just so in love, he can't even handle it. He'd love to do something for Phil to show him (like go out to a super cheesy romantic movie or take him out to dinner or something), but Clint is Clint, and he's not really much of a romantic sort of guy…

** i want u inside me**, he types into his cell phone, taking less than a second to scroll through his contacts and tap Phil's name. He's "Phillip Coulson" in his contacts, not because he doesn't mean anything to him, but just because he never remembers to change it to something else. "Boyyyfraaan" or "Jim" or something. Clint wonders what Phil has him as… He'll have to check.

He watches Phil with a smirk as soon as he sends the text, waiting for him to read his phone and return the look.

"Huh," Tony says, and Clint turns to see him looking at his phone screen. "'I want you inside me' would be a way better sext if I knew who this was."

It's a good thing Clint's an assassin, trained in the arts of keeping his face straight, or he'd be fucked right about now.

He shoves his phone between his legs, because looking down at it would be obvious and pocketing it would be even worse. A lot of things would have been good ideas for Tony's contact name, but "Philanthropist Bastard" (with the same four first letters as "Phil") was obviously the wrong choice.

Bruce frowns, looking over Tony's shoulder. "Whoever they are, I'll find them and burn them."

Natasha looks over his shoulder too, instantly looking over at Clint to catch his eye since she's had his number memorized forever. Clint just winks at her. Not one of those "oh hell yes it was me but don't tell" winks, but one of their "shut up shut up shut up" winks.

"Jarvis," Tony says (how an AI can be useful by being integrated onto a roof was beyond Clint, but here it is). "Get a track on this number, would you?"

"Right away, sir."

Clint only barely stops from panicking. He catches eyes with Phil, then, who gives him a wink as well. Not a "shut up shut up shut up" sort of wink, but a "ooh babe you are so fucked" kind of wink.

"I have located the number, sir," Jarvis says.

Clint squeezes his eyes shut.

"Oh good!" Tony says. "Lay it on me, Jay."

He shrinks in on himself slightly.

"It is the mobile phone of Mr. Barton."

They were all mostly silent anyway, waiting for Jarvis's reply, but suddenly it becomes absolutely deafening. Clint opens just one eye to peek out, and every single person is staring at him. Tony and Bruce look confused, Phil and Natasha look amused, Steve looks appalled, Maria looks confused, and Thor is just zoning out like he always does.

"Uh…" Clint says, opening his other eye. "Surprise?"

"Yeah _right_," Bruce says with a snort. "There is no way you meant to send that to him. Come on, come on, who's the lucky guy?"

"Surprise!" Phil yells, throwing his arms up in a very un-like working-Phil way. "We've been fucking since March!"

Everyone is silent againt before bursting into laughter.

"Also impossible," Tony says, looking back at Clint. "Come on, do we know him?"

Clint covers up his sigh of relief with a laugh. "Um, no, not really." And they don't, really. Because he's in love with "Philip Allen Coulson", while everybody here only knows "Agent Phil Coulson". There's a difference. "But…kind of." He looks over at Phil, as if to ask _is this okay_.

And Phil nods, letting him know that he'd be offended if he didn't.

"_Names_, Clint," Maria says sternly.

Clint rolls his eyes. "It's Phil, okay. He wasn't kidding."

They all fall silent again.

"Dude, seriously," Steve says. "Who is it?"

Phil rolls his eyes and pulls out his phone. "Any pictures you oppose of becoming slightly public?" he asks Clint.

"Um…any of me naked might give Steve a heart attack."

"I was _just_ going to show Stark. If he believes it the rest will just assume it's true."

"Ooh, pick out that _one_ you took."

"The one where you're asleep or with the—"

"_Oh_ yeah."

Phil smirks, leaning over from his spot beside Tony. "Here, I took this a few days ago."

"ODIN FUCKING FRIGGA!" Tony yells, scrambling away and falling backwards in his chair.

"I wish to see!" Thor says, snatching Phil's phone out of his hand. "By the Allfather!" he exclaims.

"Ooh, me too," Natasha says, snatching it away. She snorts. "Clint, Clint, remember the time we—"

Clint growls a very pointed "_no_".

She starts to set it down in front of Steve, but he squeaks and covers his eyes before he sees anything. Maria looks over his shoulder, though, and it brings Clint great pride to see an agent open their eyes so wide.

"I want to see," Bruce says, staring to reach for it.

"BRUCE NO!" Tony yells, scrambling up and batting the phone away from him. Clint catches it just before it launches off the table. "You'll have nightmares for weeks, I swear to the Allfather."

"Oh my gods, Tony," Natasha says with a groan. "You have got to stop using their names for that. You sound like a wannabe god, okay?"

"That _is_ okay," Tony says, sitting on Bruce's lap instead of picking his chair up. "That's what I am!"

"Wanna go?" a voice whispers into Clint's ear, warm breath washing over his skin.

Clint shivers. He didn't even notice that Phil had gotten up and walked over to him. "Get some more pictures?" Clint whispers back, looking up at him.

"Naturally."

"Aren't you being clocked right now?"

"So?"

"What about the babysitting job?"

"Well…I think Natasha can take care of them. Besides…" He nibbles lightly at his earlobe, and Clint is very, _very_ glad that Tony is taking up everyone's attention with his wannabe god speech. "Aside from Natasha, you're the youngest here, so you need _far_ more attention."

"Yup, okay, coming," Clint says, leaping up from his chair and handing Phil his phone. "Bye everyone!" he yells as they run out of the room.

All he hears as they run down the hallway to Clint's bedroom is Steve's whimpers and Tony giving a very sarcastic and drawn out "ew, gay people".

**OoOoOoO**

_JANE  
July 4…_

Jane is woken softly by firm, calloused hands. She stretches and opens her eyes, looking up at the man above her. He has blonde hair and the most beautiful blue eyes…

Her eyes widen, and she smiles brightly. "Thor!" she says, throwing her arms around his neck. She pulls him down for a deep kiss, and the blonde kisses her back as he crawls onto her bed. She's been back to Erik's house (she calls it Erik's house since she's usually in her camper) since Loki has been staying here, but she's back out in the middle of nowhere again, waiting for her storms.

"Happy Fourth of July, Jane," Thor says with a warm smile, lying down beside her and pulling her into his arms.

She smiles. "And to you too!"

She finds that it's still the middle of the night, so they end up outside, poking at the fireplace. Darcy is sitting out there as well, having been woken up by Thor when he almost stepped on her out on the floor since she fell off of the couch.

Darcy sent Jane a text right when they came out, telling her that Loki was sitting beside her. The magician turns himself invisible whenever Thor comes over.

"She is very confusing," Thor says quietly about his best friend, Natasha Romanov, as he pokes at the fire. "I do not like it when I am not able to understand what she means, and that is often."

Jane smiles warmly, pushing her fingers through his hair. "Women are made to be loved, not understood."

"But I do—" He cuts off when a twig snaps, and Jane instantly knows that it's Loki. He's been invisible a few times, now, when Thor visits. He's taking so very long to accept him as his brother again… Thor is going to give up soon if he doesn't hurry.

"What was that?" he asks.

"Me, sorry," Darcy says, holding up a broken twig. "What were you saying about Natasha?"

"I was saying that I do not _want_ to love her! She is simply a friend, Jane. You know this."

Jane stares right at Loki as she speaks: "You don't have to be romantic with someone to love them, Thor. You just need to be with them."

**OoOoOoO**

_LOKI  
July 4…_

Loki shakes his head even though nobody can see him and stands, snapping far too many twigs as he runs into the camper. He doesn't hear what Jane and Darcy pass it off as this time, seeing that they were very obviously over by the camper.

He grabs up one of Jane's notebooks and flips around until he finds an empty page, tearing it out to write on it:

_Dear Jane,  
Thank you for accepting me for who I've become and for trying to help me, but I think I'm better off where I was in New York with the people who are mostly bothered by me. You people who accept me without question make me nervous, because I was so horrible and it should be harder to forgive.  
I…am not ready yet. I'm sorry.  
Thank you for your hospitality, and goodbye.  
—Loki  
PS. Tell Erik that I hid his Nutella under the fridge.  
PPS. Tell Darcy not to come after me. I need to do this by myself now._

Leaving the note in the middle of the clean floor, Loki snaps his fingers and disappears.

**OoOoOoO**

_BRUCE  
July 10…_

A loud bang come from the other side of the room, and Bruce and Tony look up to see Loki rubbing his temples.

"Loki?" Bruce says.

Loki opens his eyes and gives a sad smile. "Hello, doctor."

"Are you… Have you already done everything that Phil and I suggested?"

He sighs, dropping his hands and walking over to them. "Not exactly. I did most of it, but…" He shrugs. "It started hurting too much, so I'm back."

Bruce gives him a knowing smile. "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy," he says, "the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."

Loki blinks at him funny.

"Go home, bro," Tony says to translate. "You're just going to shrivel up and die down here."

Loki gives a pained look. "I can't."

"Why not?" Bruce asks.

"They all hate me. They kicked me out. I'm not allowed up there."

"Lo', dude," Tony says, walking over to them. "You seriously think Odin just came down here to see Thor? You are such an idiot. The guy loves you more than anything. He doesn't give a _fuck_ that you terrorized three different realms _because he blames himself for it_. I know because he had this look every time your name was mentioned. One of those 'shit I screwed up' looks. And not like one of those 'shit I should just erase his existence really fast' kind of things. One of those 'this is all my fault' kind of things. I know because it's, like, the look I'm famous for. That and my smirk." He smirks. "That's not the point, though! Go back home, you idiot. Worst case they tell you they don't want you there, right? And that's not even the worst case because that's what you think it is anyway. So, like, worst case you die, but I don't even think you _can_ die, so it's whatever. Just go the fuck back to where you were raised before I get Thor to _take_ you back. You haven't even been here for ten minutes and I'm sick of you."

Bruce smiles warmly at Tony, because damn, for such an asshole, he really is the best person in the entire world that Bruce could have fallen in love with.

Loki smiles too, but not really. It's more a 'shit you're right' look. "I…thank you, Tony Stark."

"Oh, shut up calling me by my last name and get out of here," Tony mutters, flitting his wrist and bending back down to the project him and Bruce are working on. "Don't you have kids, too? I bet they miss you."

Loki groans. "My _kids_…"

Darcy Lewis suddenly crawls out of a cupboard. Bruce doesn't panic because he's finally gotten used to it. "Yeah?" she says. "What're they like?"

Loki pales slightly at the look of fury in Darcy's eyes. "Sleipnir is always being ridden by Odin," he says to Tony, "Hela rules the underworld, Fenrir is going to need a new leash soon, and Jörmungandr must be even more bored than I."

"Fucking hell, man," Tony says, stopping to turn around. "You have some weird ass kids."

Loki frowns slightly, and while he's speaking she mutters, "Maybe if I go to Hel I can clear this up," before disappearing into the wardrobe that Tony has down here even though he doesn't actually need it. What was that look in her eye? Did Loki do something?

"Sleipnir is an eight-legged horse, Hela is half dead, Fenrir is a giant wolf, and Jörmungandr is a giant serpent."

Tony wrinkles his entire face up. "What the fuck? Who did you _sleep_ with?"

Loki smirks. "It's not so much that _they_ were the weird ones… I'm a god, after all."

"Ew. Ew. Stop it, that is…" He trails off, looking around. "Where did Darcy go?"

"That way," Bruce says, pointing to the wardrobe. "Said something about visiting Valhalla and then closed the door."

Loki groans, flinging the cupboard open. "Damn Midgardian woman, meddling in my affairs!" he growls before leaping in.

Tony opens it cautiously a few seconds later, but it's empty apart from his clothes. "Think I should try it?" he asks.

"No," Bruce says. "I think you should burn it."

"Even the clothes?"

"Especially the clothes."

He sighs. "I'll ready the blowtorch."

**OoOoOoO**

_DARCY  
July 10…_

Hel is not near as terrible as people make it to be. The "underworld", "hell", and "pit of fire" are hardly the right descriptions. More like "downstairs" and "pool of hot springs" or something. Darcy has been here twice before, and she's met Hela once in passing through. She misses her father very much, and Darcy knows that Loki will follow her. Maybe his daughter can knock some sense into him if nobody else can…

"Ah, Darcy Lewis!" Hela says brightly, turning to look at her with her living side. Darcy was terrified of her right at first. Her face was the deadest thing alive enough to die… Really, though she's just like her father: sassy, sarcastic, and a very "dark little fellow" when the time persists. "What brings you here?"

Darcy sighs, curtseying before sitting down on the steps that lead up to her throne. "Your dad is being a little bitch." Maybe she fell in love with Loki the moment she saw him in that cave, but that doesn't mean she doesn't see his faults.

She scoffs. "What else is new?"

"He's been living with Jane and I for a few months now, and this whole time he's been trying to build up the courage to call Thor his brother again!"

She frowns. "And he still has not built up enough of it?"

"No, he's just sulking to Tony and Bruce and whining and…" She groans.

At that precise moments, Loki appears beside her, standing tall and glaring up at his daughter. "Don't even _think_ about lecturing me!" he begins, but she starts to anyway with a feral growl:

"If what I think is happening, is happening...it better not be. You are throwing away your brother, father! _He is your brother_! Go to him, you imbecile!"

"I DO NOT WANT TO YET!" Loki bellows, flaring up with magic so that his Frost Giant form shines through. Darcy's never seen it before. It's…rather beautiful, really.

"Feelings buried alive never die, father! Given strange dreams, even death may die, but at this rate I'm going to get both of your bodies before you _ever_ decide if you're ready! Imagine how happy you might be if you spent less time imagining how happy you might be!" she growls.

Loki is absolutely fuming, and fire is beginning to leak out from his pours and drop down to the floor. It's one of the oddest sights that Darcy has ever seen. The Frost Giant runt who usually can't stand the heat is the God of Fire when he's angry enough. Hmm.

"Well," she says absentmindedly, lying back on the stairs to look up at the stone ceiling of Hel. "Here we are, burning."

Loki glares down at her. "You stay out of this," he hisses.

It reminds Darcy of the end of Disney's _Aladdin_, when Jafar was a snake and he hissed the same words at Genie. Maybe he's related to a genie…he's magic, after all. What a funny thought.

Loki sighs, looking back up at his daughter, the fire beginning to burn away.

"He is dying, father," Hela says quietly, standing up from her throne. "Thor is dying without your love, and he _will_ die if you do not give it to him very, _very_ soon. I can feel him inside of me, Loki, crying out for you." (Darcy resists the urge not to giggle. This is a very serious matter, after all.)

Loki looks away, all of the fire gone. "For it so happens that I could never convince myself that the dead are dead."

"Well he _will_ be dead!" Hela yells, walking forward to stand at the top of the steps. "He will be a pile of bones in my pit and a mass of burning flesh in my lungs! And I will not let you visit him, for the dead should not look upon the living—nor the living too long upon the dead."

Loki glare at her before looking away, happening to make eye contact with Darcy. "Why did you do this to me?" he asks darkly. "Why did you bring the problem to my own child?"

Darcy rolls her eyes and looks away. "Because the whole world is out to get you, and they sent me as a representative."

Hela walks down the few steps to her father, taking a hold of his chin with her living hand. As far as Darcy knows, anything that touches her dead side will die instantly. "Love doesn't have a happy ending, father, because love doesn't _have_ an ending."

Darcy is pretty sure that he actually tears up a little, and Hela sighs before wrapping both arms around him, soothing him quietly. He doesn't die, though… Maybe it's because she's just touching his clothes.

"I can see the future of the dead, Loki, and if you keep this up then he will be in my presence very soon, and you will never see him again because he will hate you, and you will hate yourself. But the Fate's do not exist, father, and you can change what I see."

Loki pulls away, wiping at his eyes. Darcy has never seen a god cry before. Thor has gotten close, but he leaves before she ever can. "I'm afraid, Hela."

She snorts. "I can tell. You have ten more days until he will die of heartbreak, Loki. Do not wait until that day, for I do not know the specific time, and you may be too late."

Loki nods, and he turns to Darcy, holding his hand out to her. "I told Jane to tell you not to follow me," he says.

She rolls her eyes, taking it and pulling herself up. "And I told you to stop being a little bitch three weeks ago. Take me home, asshole."

Loki sighs before he does, the two of them waving goodbye to his daughter.

**OoOoOoO**

_STEVE  
July 12…_

Steve's heavy breathing slows quickly, and he sighs at the punching bag on the ground.

"Well," he mutters quietly, "at least I can control my anger until I get to one of these things."

He puts up another one.

He's a ninety-five year old virgin in a twenty-five year olds body, with too many friends and a life so far from normal he doesn't even know what to do with it. Well, maybe one thing…

Maria is pretty. Steve knows that. She also looks nothing like Peggy, so Steve never gets an ache in his gut when he looks at her. They're also pretty different in personality, really… Peggy had that aura of always working (then again, that might have been because of the war going on. Steve doesn't know what she's like when she's just relaxing…), with a profound fright of any danger that never leaked through until she kissed Steve goodbye. Maria is like that when she's working, and _she_ has a profound hatred of pretty much everybody, but she's still nice in the process. Peggy would never be dragged to a club by Tony, but Maria did with a roll of her eyes and even agreed to be the designated driver of the "creeper van" (as Tony calls it) to get everyone else home. Steve isn't sure why he doesn't just do it, though, since he _can't_ get drunk…

Peggy liked red and business suits, but Maria likes a dark, deep pink and the SHIELD issued body suits. She also likes to watch movies with everyone who isn't on a mission at the time, and she's terrible at the Wii Mario Kart but loves playing against Steve anyway, cussing right along with him. That was a little embarrassing the first time, but…well, oh well. She also likes plotting things on Loki with Phil and Clint if she happens to be around at the time, and…well, she _really_ likes Steve. it's not an obsession and she doesn't have trading cards, but he does know that it's been a growing crush (maybe it's love, now; Steve doesn't know) ever since she laid eyes on him.

The worst thing is that Steve knows she'd be good for him, but… He doesn't want to hurt her. What if he's not ready? What if he asks her out, gets her hopes up, and then has to break her heart because he's still not over Peggy. He's been "over" her for just over a year now, but he's just afraid that the feelings will come back right smack in the middle of a relationship and he'll break someone's heart. He knows what it's like to have a broken heart. He had one when he woke up…

The second punching bag flies off the hook, spewing sand out on the floor. Steve pushes his hands through his hair and then reaches down to the floor to grab up his cell phone (the most old-fashioned one that they had in the entire store so he wouldn't have to learn too much; Tony's wanted him to get a newer once since he came home with it) and scrolls to Maria's name, pressing to dial it without thinking anymore about it. He knows she's up at this seven-twenty time anyway.

"Agent Hill speaking," she answers.

Steve swallows. "Hi, Maria. It's Steve."

She's silent for a moment, probably to smile. "Hello! I'd say this is early for you, but I know you're in the gym from the echo. What brings you to this phone line?"

That's another thing that's different about her and Peggy. Peggy would have said, "Oh. Hi. What do you want?" and then sounded excited _after_ he asked her out.

"Uh, do you, ah…" He sighs, pushing his fingers through his hair again. Today is Wednesday, right? Yeah. "Do you want to go out to dinner with me on Friday night?"

She's silent for what feels like an eternity, but it's probably only two seconds—at the most. "I—really?"

"Yeah, I'm working out and I thought it'd be…you know…a good idea. Fun. Whatever you want to call it." Steve sounds like an idiot, good gods. "I mean, I don't know where yet, but…somewhere nice. You can wear a dress and I'll make Tony get me something besides my plaid flannels." What is he saying? That's way too fancy! Peggy would hate it… She'd rather eat at a fast food pla—

"Oh, a fancy dinner? That sounds great! I mean, yes, I'd love to. I'm sure you knew that…"

Steve should really stop comparing these two.

He breathes a laugh, shoving a hand into the pocket of the pants he always works out in. "Yeah, uh, I suppose I could have assumed. I'll see you on Friday then! Um…I'll pick you up, so I'll call you again as soon as I figure out where we're going and what time the reservations will be. What time do you get off?"

"That sounds great! And it doesn't matter, I've put in so many extra hours that I could get off whenever I wanted to."

"Alright, great, I'll make them for…uh…does seven or eight sound good to you?"

"I would personally prefer seven."

"Seven it is, then! I'll, uh…talk to you soon!"

"Okay!"

"Bye!"

"Bye!"

Steve pulls the phone away, hangs up, and sets it back down on the floor.

He sighs, looking up at the ceiling. In the faintest of whispers, he says to it, "We're both going to die."

**OoOoOoO**

_LOKI  
July 12…_

Loki can't do it. Not yet. He's terrified. He's not Thor's brother. He's a Frost Giant.

Thor is going to die if he doesn't, but Loki still can't do it. Not yet. Give it a few more days. Just a few…

**OoOoOoO**

_STEVE  
July 12…_

Steve takes a deep breath, making sure his bouquet of flowers is arranged right. It's odd to think about the fact that any SHIELD agents actually have normal houses somewhere, but especially Maria Hill, seeing that she's so high up on the "important agent scale". Phil makes sense because he's not allowed in the field anymore, and where else would he go for the night on his days off? There are colorful lights flickering in her window, which is odd considering that it's not anywhere near any holidays.

It's just seven now, with reservations for seven-thirty so they have time to drive there. It's an expensive restaurant called One if by Land, Two if by Sea—_very_ expensive, so of course found out about the date and recommended it, and then let Steve borrow his Audio R8 _and_ gave him a huge amount of spending money for the night. Damn billionaires. Steve he knows that Maria really enjoys seafood thanks to Phil filling him when Tony was being very loud about the whole ordeal.

He sighs and walks up the little pathway and onto the tiny porch, knocking three times.

The door is opened instantly (is that the pulse of a strobe light somewhere?), not by Maria, but by Phil. "There you are," he says, leaning down and taking a deep sniff of the flowers. "Good choice." He walks past him. "Hurt her and I'll find a way to cut you with my trading cards!"

Steve looks after him, and at the precise moment that he gets to the edge of the road, Clint comes zooming over on a motorcycle. Wait…on _Steve's_ motorcycle!

"Heyuh, Cap!" Clint yells. "Hope you don't mind that I borrowed your bike!"

He wrinkles his nose up after them, not sure if he should be angry or amused.

"I can't believe they actually got together," a voice says behind him. "I always assumed Clint was the same as Natasha, 'love is for children' and all that."

Steve turns back around to see… His jaw drops. Maria, of course. But she looks…beautiful. She's always been pretty, but Steve's never really let himself _look_ at her before. Her long, dark brown hair has been curled and piled on top of her head in a design that reveals silver earrings shaped like little spirals and an intricate silver necklace. It's a floor length dress, black in color and without sleeves to show off her Clint-sized cleavage (dammit, Tony really _has_ taught him well…at least he already knew that she had brown eyes). It's beautiful in its simplicity, with the only thing that makes it really pop out the single slit up the side to reveal her leg up to the mid-thigh and the metallic silver multiple-strap high heels. Her handbag matches, in the opposite fashion, with a metallic silver body and a black satin bow where the clip that's holding it shut is. Her eyes are heavy (though still appropriate and beautiful) with black eyeliner below and black eye shadow above, with silver glitter over the lid as well, and her finger and toenails are the same silver.

"It's rude to stare, you know," she says with a shy smile.

Steve shakes his head and focuses on her instead of what she looks like, almost melting at the cute little smile she's giving him. He opens his mouth to say something but just ends up closing it again.

"These are beautiful," she says, taking the bouquet from him. "Stargazer lilies, white tulips, and pink carnations. Did you know that carnations are supposed to symbolize fascination, tulips are perfect love, and lilies are beauty?"

Steve opens his mouth before closing it again and shaking his head no.

She smiles again. "Come on in and I'll find a vase."

Steve follows slowly behind her as she flits off, her earrings dangling around her face and her hair waving out behind her. Walking inside is a hallway with a stairwell at the end and one door on each side that lead into a bathroom and also what looks like an office of sorts, the bathroom decorated in lots of pastel colors and the office nearly completely bare. The pulsing light are coming from the right, and Steve looks down that way to see a large living room decorated in all _sorts_ of colors. Four different lava lamps (one purple, one yellow, one bright green, and one pink), black lights (that are turned off as of now) hanging from the corners of the room, a mechanical disco ball that twists on its own and generations it's own reflective light somehow, and the pulsing light that first caught Steve's attention are strobe lights placed in the same corners as the black lights, just hanging beside them. Each one isn't a specific color, but instead a whole rainbow of them.

He shakes his head, wondering how somebody so good at their job, who seems so bland sometimes, can be so…well, like this.

He quick goes left, following her, and ends up in a kitchen decorated with so many sparkling things that he suddenly understands what Tony is talking about whenever he's trying to explain the feeling of being on drugs. Who puts sparkles all over the _kitchen_? The kitchen also leads back around to the pulsing living room, which just adds to the feeling of being on drugs.

He forces himself to focus on Maria putting the flowers in a vase so he doesn't have a seizure, and he just can't help but ask: "So…what does your _room_ look like?"

She turns around with a quizzical smile.

"No, no, not like that, I mean…" He shakes his head. "Because the rest of the house is so…unlike what I've seen of you."

She smiles. "Mostly the same. I like bright, metallic, sparkling things."

"I noticed."

A soon as she's set the flowers up, she turns back around with another smile. "Shall we be off, then?" she asks.

Steve nods, motioning for her to lead the way.

Once outside, Maria locks the door to her house and follows Steve over to Tony's Audi

"You don't turn the strobe lights off?" he asks.

"Oh, I almost forgot," she says, opening up her handbag. She pulls out a key chain, and on this chain is a sort of blipper that she points towards the house and presses a button that suddenly makes all of the pulsing lights stop. "There we go." She smiles at Steve. "Where are we going? You never told me."

He wants to answer her so badly, but he honestly can't think of a single thing to say again. The sun's still up and it's hitting her just right, sending shimmers off of her that are so beautiful Steve can barely think.

She gives a breathtaking smile. "What are you thinking about, Steve?"

He opens his mouth and closes it again, waves his hands around a bit, motions to her, and ends up just hanging them by his sides and frowning over at the car.

"What's the matter?" she asks, taking a step towards him. "Cat got your tongue."

He barely has a chance to nod as she leans up even more on her heels and presses her lips to his. It's a short kiss, Steve not really kissing her back even though he was totally ready for it. She pulls away not looking to particularly happy about the way it turned out, but Steve knows just how to fix that. He leans back down to her and kisses her again, this time giving her a _real_ kiss, one hand reaching up to hold lightly to the side of her face and the other resting softly on her shoulder.

When he pulls away that time, he can finally speak: "Maria, I think I…" He smiles, swallows, and starts again: I fell in love with you the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once."

Steve has never heard a happier gasp in his life before she throws her arms around his neck, kissing him hard. Steve hasn't kissed anybody in over seventy years, so he knows he's not amazing at it, but he can still do his best. He wraps his arms tightly around her waist, bending her slightly but still making sure that she has adequate balance.

They pull away after a while, Steve licking his lips and Maria reaching up to push a few strands of her elaborate updo behind her ear.

"We're going to be late," she says around her smile.

"Oh, dinner!" Steve says. "Of course! I forgot all about it." He grins and opens the door for her, closing it once he's sure that she's got everything about herself inside.

She reapplies her dark pink lipstick (Steve's sure it has a different name than that…"scarlet seashell or something that doesn't make any sense; make-up makes no sense) on the way, and both of them steal continuous glances at each other.

How couldn't Steve see it before? How couldn't he see the way he was falling for her? Every time he saw her he did everything he could _not_ to, because he didn't want to end up hurting her, but…well, Steve's not sure if he can anymore. But! He's such an idiot…so oblivious! It's exactly what he was getting mad at Tony for, when he couldn't see how he was falling for Bruce. Steve didn't notice it until Loki pointed it out, of course, but…well, sometimes you just need somebody to open your eyes to the world around you, and the god certainly did.

**OoOoOoO**

_BRUCE  
July 12…_

Bruce kisses Tony's cheek as he's staring into the window of the restaurant that Steve took Maria to (One if by Land, Two if by Sea; what a catchy name), extra-strength binoculars that Tony made himself being held to his face.

"I still don't understand how _you_ managed to learn how to read lips," he says as Tony takes a swig from his beer without looking away.

"Shh, shh, they're ordering drinks!" Tony says to shut him up. "Maria's getting the…ah…oh, the Horse and Carriage. Damn, she knows her stu—did she just ask for extra olives? Hmm, I should set her and Pepper up on a shopping trip." He takes another swig. "Steve just ordered wine, but he doesn't know what kind he should, so Maria is suggesting the…ooh, the Gigondas of the Château de St.-Cosme! A wonderful choice, my lady." Another swig. "Oh wow, the meals already? How did they decide so fast?"

Bruce gives an affectionate eye roll. It's a good thing it's warm outside. "It doesn't matter, Tony."

"Right, right, of course not. Uh, Maria just got the butter poached main lobster, and Steve the…the smoke Scottish salmon? Oh, come on, you idiot! You're Captain America, not Laddy Kilt!"

Bruce chokes a little on his own swig of beer, setting the bottle down and deciding he shouldn't have anymore right away. "You are appalling, Tony. Can't you just let them have their night?"

"What? You mean leave them alone? No way!"

Bruce smirks, leaning against him from behind and sliding his hands down his chest from around his neck. "Please?"

Tony looks back at him with a grin. "You've convinced me."

**OoOoOoO**

_MARIA  
July 12…_

Steve was walking Maria through the park under the stars, one arm light around her waist and the other hand across his own stomach to hold one of her hands. Now, though, even in their fancy clothes, they're lying down on the grass and just staring up at the sky. It's not a very dark sky, what with being in New York, but it's a sky nonetheless.

"So what do you write about, anyway?" Steve asks at length, playing with the loose strands of her hair.

Maria gives an embarrassed snort. "Oh, I don't know. Fiction."

"Yeah?"

She nods. "Fantasy type things, I suppose. Maybe I'm surrounded by fantasy every day of my life, but…" She shrugs. "I like it that way."

He smiles over at her. "Have you ever finished one?"

She laughs. "No, not really. I start one, think of another idea, start it, forget about the other one…" She flits her wrist into the air. "It's a never ending circle."

"What was the title of the first one?"

"No, you'll make fun of me!"

"I promise I won't."

She gives in with a sigh. "Fallen Stardust. It's about fairies."

Steve chuckles warmly. "That's cute."

"Yeah? What's _your_ secret, big guy?"

He sighs, dropping his arm from her face to go down and hold her hand. "It's not really much of a secret?"

"Yeah? Tell me anyway?"

He's silent for what seems like a very long time, but it's probably not that long at all. "I get so tired sometimes, you know? And I just…don't really care what happens. I'm not suicidal, no, but if the time comes that I need to give my life to protect someone or something…well, I'm ready for it."

Maria frowns, rolling onto her side to face him. She'll have to take her dress to the professionals after this, but she doesn't care. "Is that why you don't sleep very much?"

He frowns over at her. "How do you know about that?"

"I don't just visit during the day, Steve. I even spent a night with Tony and Bruce down in the lab—granted, I was writing in a corner, but still. I've seen you walking around, taking Advil and rubbing your temples. Do the painkillers even do anything?"

He gives her a sad smile and looks away. "No, they don't. This body really isn't my favorite on occasion."

Maria smirks, lying back down on her back. "It's _always_ been my favorite."

He laughs uneasily, squeezing her hand a little. "I, uh…I should probably tell you about my previous sex life."

She snorts. "Tony doesn't call you his All-American Virgin for kicks, Steve. I know that you're first kiss was Peggy Carter and that you were frozen ever since."

He frowns. "I haven't been frozen for four years, though."

She chuckles. "Trust me, Steve. I'm a trained SHIELD agent. I can tell."

He smiles. "Well, at least you know what you're getting into."

She smiles too, looking over at him. "Do you ever have any good dreams?"

"Good ones?" He shrugs. "Sometimes, I suppose. All my good dreams never last, though."

"Any real dreams, then?"

"You mean…life goals?"

"No, those are different. Life goals are usually plausible, but dreams don't have to come true."

He sighs. "Yeah, I had one. I'm not really sure what it is anymore, though."

"Yeah? What was it?"

"It was my dream that I had never been frozen. I love all of my friends to death, and even this time, but…" He shrugs. "It would have been nice to at least say goodbye to a few people." He turns his head to look at her. "What do you think about them?"

"Dreams? I don't know, I think they're kind of overrated. I mean, I've got some, sure, but everyone makes them out to be the most important things in the entire world and I think it's stupid. People wish on stars and are afraid of their nightmares. I just want to grab everyone in the world and yell into their faces, 'Why are you still wishing on that same old star? Dream a new dream, dipshit!' You know?"

Steve nods, looking back up at the sky. "There must be two types of people in the world, then, because Tony's dreams change all the time."

"There _are_ two types of people in this world," she says. "And I don't like them."

Steve laughs. "You know, there are some who sees with the eyes in their head, and there are some who sees with the eyes in their heart—and that's the better of the two."

She cocks an eyebrow. "Are you telling me that my eyes are connected to my head? Because, you know, that'd just be terrible."

He gives a good natured eye roll. "You really hate everybody, don't you?"

"Yup, and you really love them."

He smiles. "Yup."

**OoOoOoO**

_LOKI  
July 17…_

Loki has cried far too much lately. It's been seven days since he's spoken to Hela, so he has three days until Thor dies—two if he wants to make sure. But…but Loki can't save him anymore, because Thor's left. The blonde went up to Asgard, and Loki can't go up there! Everybody hates him up there! They'd kick him out again!

Loki wipes the tears from his eyes and stretches his legs out on top of the roof of the Avenger's Mansion, refusing to change how he looks. He's a Frost Giant, and it's alright to be proud of that. It's who he is. So what if he has blue skin and would be perfectly content sleeping on a bed of ice? That's normal, right? That's fine…

He whimpers, looking up at the stars. "I am alone."

"Hey, Lo'," a voice says behind him.

He turns to see Darcy, walking down and sitting beside him. She's in a t-shirt, jeans with gaping holes in the knees, and no shoes. Her hands, knees, feet, and face are painted blue.

"Darcy?" he says, looking her over closer. "What are you—"

She reaches out and puts a finger on his lips, not yanking away from how cold he knows he is. "You are not alone," she whispers.

Loki has never hugged anybody so hard in his entire life.

"Never _ever_ give up," she whispers, dragging her fingers soothingly through his hair. "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. You were doing that just now, you know. Looking at the stars. Never stop that. Those of us that look hard enough know that there's more to them than everybody else thinks there are, and as soon as we know, we have a right to visit them."

Loki leans up and stares at her. "Listen;" he manages. "There's a hell of a good universe next door: let's go."

She gives a warm smile. "You're going to your brother?"

He nods, looking up at the stars. "I'm ready for him."

She gives his shoulder a soft punch. "Finally, you ass!"

Loki manages the same smile. "I think I'm in love with you, Darcy."

She smirks, which is not exactly the facial reply he expected. "I _know_ I'm in love with _you_."

He breathes a laugh. Coming from Darcy, yes, he should have expected it. "You and I will never be a great love story," he whispers to her, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

She grins. "That's okay! Let's see what kind of story we'll be."

Loki gives a sad sigh. "It's alright if you don't want to go," Loki whispers to her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Even I'm not sure if I want to go, but I just know that I need to."

She wipes away one of his escaped tears from his cheek. "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

He smiles warmly. "If you don't want to come right away, then don't. I can go. I'll come back for you."

She breathes out into the cold night air, her breath fogging over them both. "If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life."

Loki leans down and kisses her softly, resting both hands on her cheeks. She holds tightly to the fabric of his armor.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" Darcy whispers once they've pulled away.

Loki breathes a laugh. "How could I forget? You came out of the rock in the cave I had holed myself up in while trying to convince myself to go meet Jane, looked around, and commented on the fact that it was far too drafty."

She nods and smiles. "Do you remember my face when you looked up after I mentioned how drafty it was?" she asks.

Loki tilts his head slightly. "You just seemed to stop and stare at me for a moment."

She nods fervently. "I showed up there and didn't know where I was expect that it was a prime place to catch a cold. Then I saw you, sitting there in the darkness, in pain, and I just…" She lets out a happy sigh. "And then my soul saw you and it kind of went, 'Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you.' I loved you the very first moment I saw you, and even you, the god, didn't notice it."

Loki smiles warmly at her. "I'll come back for you," he whispers, pulling her in for a hug. "I could never leave you forever."

"And I could never _let_ you leave forever."

He smiles, pulling away from her so he doesn't whisk her away as well on accident. "Goodbye, Darcy Lewis."

"Never say goodbye," she says, leaning back over to hug him again. "Because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting."

Loki can't help it. Another damned tear escapes. He wraps his arms so tightly around her that he's probably crushing her, but she doesn't complain. "I can't leave you," he says. "You're too precious to me. I'll wait down here with you until you're ready."

She yanks away, eyes wide. "You can't do that! Thor needs you _now_! You're no good down here anymore, Loki."

He shakes his head even though she's right. "I need you. I really, really need you. You hear people say that they need somebody, and then they go on with their lives with smiles and laughter. That's not me. I've already started crying at the thought of not being with you. See?" He points to the tear on his cheek. "I really need you."

Something flickers across her face. Pain, maybe? Loki can't tell. But then it lights up in the most beautiful smile Loki has ever seen. "Let's get married."

Loki's jaw drops. "You…we should what? Darcy, I'm immortal. You can't—it doesn't work that way."

She snorts, flitting her wrist at him. "So? You can divorce me when I get old and ugly and start to fall apart."

Loki grins. "I have a better idea."

She cocks an eyebrow. "What's a better idea than divorce? Kidding, kidding. What's your idea?"

"Idun's apples."

She blinks. "Who's what?"

Loki rolls his eyes. "Idun, the goddess of eternal youth. She's got this tree with these golden apples that will grant you eternal life."

She blinks some more. "You mean…if I eat one…I'll live forever?"

He nods.

"Won't that get boring?"

Loki shrugs. "Not if you change up the way you live every once in a while."

She grins, crossing her arms. "Alright. Let's do it."

Loki smiles. "You mean it?"

"Apples first, marriage next—and I don't care _how_ our kids turn out, I want at least two."

Loki smirks. "Deal."

She kisses him lightly. "And you better ask me _right_."

"Asking you to marry me?"

"Of course."

He grins. "I'll make sure it's a perfect surprise."

She laughs, pushing him away. "Now get out of here, you ass. Get me one of those stupid apples while I tell Jane and Erik that they'll never have to attend one of my funerals."

"It's not that," Loki says, gathering up his magic. "You just won't grow old. Idun's tree of golden apples are what gives us our immortality. Other than not aging, it's only that it will take a lot more than normal to kill you. Then again…" He lets his magic go. "You're not fully human."

She cocks an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"The slight magical abilities that you have that allow you to teleport. That's why you're not fully human. You know, I bet you'd be able to look upon Asgard's splendor without spontaneously combusting."

She laughs. "Are you calling me a witch?"

Loki laughs as well. "That's exactly what you are. The greatest witch of your age! You're a magician, just like I am." He grins broadly. "That's it! Darcy, I can teach you!"

"Teach me how to be a better magician?"

"Precisely! And once you've eaten one of the golden apples, they'll be more powerful! And with _me_ around to unlock all that potential…" He wiggles his eyebrows (something he is sure he has never done in his life; what does this woman _do_ to him?), gathering his magic up again. "You'll be the most powerful human that ever lived."

Darcy grins. "Get out of here, Loki. I'll wait for you somewhere around here."

He grins right back at her. "I love you."

"I love you too, idiot."

With a snap of his fingers, Loki is gone.

And everything is perfect.

* * *

Author's notes: Okay, phew! Done with Part IV :) That's…actually that's it for the parts! Next is the Epilogue, woo! Enjoy it and these references :P

**XxXxX**

References: There are 44 references in this section:

**0.** "I'm so tired of people needing a reason  
for doing everything in their lives.  
Do it because you want to.  
Because it's fun.  
Because it makes you happy."  
I wish I knew but I totally don't whoops.

**1.** "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." Alpner.

**2.** "I want you inside me' would be a way better sext if I knew who this was." Asofterworld.

**3.** "I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on earth. Then I ask myself the same question." Said by Harun Yahya.

**4.** "Depression is like slashing at ghosts. Of course it's tempting to finally cut something real." Asofterworld.

**5.** "Our bodies are ours to break, ours to throw into rivers, ours to light on fire, ours to launch into space." Asofterworld.

**6.** "When you dance with the devil, the devil doesn't change. The devil changes you." Said by Joaquin Phoenix.

**7.** "It's one thing to believe everyone's out to get you, quite another when it's actually true." Written in _The Zombie Survival Guide_ by Max Brooks.

**8.** "The basis of optimism is sheer terror." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**9.** "An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**10.** "Some days are magic, and I can do anything. The other days I just have to wait, and hope it comes back." Asofterworld.

**11.** "I'm not much, but I'm all I have." I have no idea.

**12.** "I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go." Said by Rita Rudner.

**13.** "The terrible things that happened to you didn't make you you. You always were." Asofterworld.

**14.** "I was taught to feel, perhaps to much, the self-sufficing power of solitude." Said by William Wordsworth in 1888.

**15.** "Three AM. The only ones awake at three AM are the lonely and the loved." Some picture from tumblr.

**16.** "Draw a circle, not a heart, around the one you love, because a heart can break but a circle goes on forever." Said by Danny Kaye.

**17.** "Women are made to be loved, not understood." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**18.** "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy," he says, "the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." Said by CS Lewis.

**19.** "Imagine how happy you might be if you spent less time imagining how happy you might be." Asofterworld.

**20.** If you want the links to the dress/eye make-up I used you can message me :)

**21.** "Her face was the deadest thing alive enough to die." I don't know my Bible History teacher said it during class once haha

**22.** "If what I think is happening, is happening...it better not be. The Fantastic Mr. Fox movie.

**23.** "Feelings buried alive never die, father!" Said by Karol K. Truman.

**24.** "Given strange dreams, even death may die." Said by H. P. Lovecraft.

**25.** "Imagine how happy you might be if you spent less time imagining how happy you might be," she growls." Asofterworld.

**26.** "Well, here we are, burning." From Pajama Sam in: There's No Need to Hide When it's Dark Outside.

**27.** "For it so happens that I could never convince myself that the dead are dead." From By Susan Bellow, in _Henderson the Rain King_.

**28.** "For the dead should not look upon the living—nor the living too long upon the dead." Written by Esther Forbes in _Johnny Tremain_.

**29.** "Because the whole world is out to get you, and they sent me as a representative." The show Without A Trace.

**30.** "Love doesn't have a happy ending. Love doesn't _have_ an ending." No idea.

**31.** "I fell in love with you the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once." Written by John Green in one of his multiple books (I'm not sure which).

**32.** So…the fairy story called Fallen Stardust? Totally one of _my_ first stories. It's some dumb original that a lot of my friends actually liked rather a lot for the entire 20 pages I ever got XD

**33.** "Why are you still wishing on that same old star? Dream a new dream, dipshit!" Asofterworld.

**34.** "There _are_ two types of people in this world, and I don't like them." Alpner.

**35.** "You know, there are some who sees with the eyes in their head, and there are some who sees with the eyes in their heart—and that's the better of the two." From the 50 Classics, Volume 1, of a Raggedy Ann episode.

**36.** "I am alone."  
"You are not alone."  
Somewhere on tumblr.

**37.** "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**38.** "Listen; there's a hell of a good universe next door: let's go." Said by E. E. Cummings.

**39.** "You and I will never be a great love story."  
"That's okay! Let's see what kind of story we'll be."  
Asofterworld.

**40.** "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." Said by Winnie the Pooh.

**41.** "If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**42.** "And then my soul saw you and it kind of went, 'Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you.'" I have no idea but it's everywhere.

**43.** "Never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting." From Peter Pan.


	5. Epilogue

[Summary: In which Thor's son is not a hot dog, Maria is the best of story tellers, the little one plays dead, and nobody is listening to Tony.]

**Epilogue**

_The only person you are destined to become  
is the person you decide to be.  
—Ralph Waldo Emerson_

_THOR  
Three Years, 5 Months, and 13 Days Later  
December 25  
Sunday…_

Thor wakes to a warm breath on his cheek, and he smiles up at Jane. Jane Foster…his wife, his stronghold, and the mother of his child. After Loki came to Thor almost four and a half years ago and apologized, accepting him as his brother again, everything changed. Thor didn't know what to do before…he missed Loki very much. And now his family is complete! His parents, his brother, his wife (who kept her last Midgardian name since Thor does not _have_ a last name; earth customs are very odd), and his son. Jane happened to begin carrying their child on the night of their marriage two years ago, on the seventh of May, and nine months and thirteen days later their little boy was born on the twentieth of February—the same month as Loki's own earth birthday! His name is Magni Thorson.

It is Christmas on earth today, and with Magni only ten months and five days old, none of Thor's fellow Avengers have seen him because he was too small to travel by the Tesseract. So, it being an important Midgardian holiday, Thor and Jane are ready to take their son down to their friends. Loki and Lady Darcy have seen him, though, since they have been together for a long time as well. Lady Darcy is immortal now, thanks to Idun's apples, and had branded herself the Goddess of Change (even though she knows she is not a goddess), claiming to have changed Loki's life and therefore saved all of Asgard. Thor accepted it with a shrug and a laugh. Darcy happens to be with child as well, though only three months along. They were married only a few weeks after Loki accepted Thor as his brother again. It was one of the most splendorous things that Thor has ever attended, to be honest, and all four of Loki's children were able to attend as well under the one-day in length truce.

Lady Virginia and her Harold, called Happy, found that she could not actually carry children. It was devastating at first, but they chose to adopt, and now they have a seven year old little girl by the name of Raven. None of the others have married or had/adopted children, partly for the reason that they're not ready or because they find that it's too dangerous. Magni obviously does not live in the AvengersMansion, and Raven lives with Virginia and Harold in their own home.

"Good morning," Thor says with a smile.

Jane smiles back. "Ready to get up?"

"Ready to take my son on a trip and to see my friends again? Always."

It is but two hours later when they are taking the Tesseract to appear on the front steps of the mansion (it was decreed that the Bifrost would not be fixed for safety purposes), Magni bundled into Thor's arms and Jane knocking on the door.

It takes a few moments for it to open, but when it does, it reveals Bruce—with Anthony on his back, no less.

"Hiiiii!" they say brightly, and suddenly Clinton swings passed the door from some sort of thing on the ceiling.

Anthony's eyes grow very wide. "Dude, where's your kid? All you've got is a fucking hot dog."

Jane bursts into a fit of giggles, but Thor frowns. "How dare you call my son a meaty meal!" He turns his arm slightly to reveal the face of his ten month old son.

Someone squeals, and then Lady M is out of the door, a very large smile on her face. "Oh, he's so _cute_! Can I hold him? _Please_ can I hold him?"

Thor looks down at Jane for permission, and she nods. They both trust everyone here, after all.

The six of them end up in the recreational room, wherein everyone else is waiting for them—even Director Fury.

Everyone runs straight over to them to see their son, and M hands him back to Jane so she can be the proud mother that she is.

Thor notices that Thor does not stay very long, and he frowns at first, until he sees that he is over with the little girl that must be none other than Raven.

Thor walks over to them, a bright smile on his face.

Her brown eyes widen, and Anthony looks back at Thor to grin before swinging her into his arms. "Nobody looks evil in their sleep, kid. You have to wait till they wake up if you want to make sure to decapitate the right people."

"_TONY STARK_!" Lady Virginia yells, slapping the back of his head.

Anthony bursts into his own giggles before kissing her cheek and setting her down, running off before Pepper can hit him again.

"Hello, Thor!" she says to him, patting him on the shoulder. She takes her daughters hand, smiling warmly. "You remember Thor, don't you, Raven?"

She grins. "I remember that I beat him three times in Mario Kart!"

Thor booms a laugh. He remembers that, of course. He let her win. Thor would never lose to a mere mortal! Except Mortal Steven Rogers. Nobody has ever beaten him in a race.

Everyone ends up in their own little pockets, all of the females (plus Clinton but without Lady Maria) in one. Thor is standing with Loki, Lady Darcy, Lady M, and Phillip as of now.

"How are you doing, Darcy?" M asks with a smile. They've all answered, now, but her.

She gives a large, dramatic sigh. "Oh, you have no _idea_. I haven't aged a day since I've last been asked, I'm a witch that's been impregnated by a magician so that we have _no_ idea how the child is going to turn out, and I have morning sickness!"

Everyone blinks at her a little.

"You know," M says, taking a small sip of her alcoholic beverage, "if I stop asking people how they are doing, maybe they will stop telling me."

Loki smiles, leaning down to kiss her temple (he is much taller than her) with an arm around her waist. "You're fine, love."

She gives a good natured eye roll. "Thor, yo, I gotta question for yuh."

He smiles. "Yes?"

"What's the best way to raise a child, do you think? I know you guys haven't even had Magni for a year, but…" She shrugs. "Some advice from the horse's mouth is always helpful."

Thor frowns. "I…do not understand."

Jane suddenly appears, Magni not in her arms, so Thor looks back and sees that Bruce is holding him with the most delighted look on his face that he has ever seen in his life.

"The best way to make children," she says, "is to make them happy."

Darcy snorts. "That's very helpful of you, Jane, thanks."

Raven suddenly runs over, pulling on M's hand and saying her name over and over again.

M smiles down at her. "What is it, little bird?"

"Tell me another story, 'Ria!"

She squats down, taking her hands. "Another fantasy, yeah? Ones that let you know that dragons really do exist?"

Phillip smiles, elbowing her lightly. "Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed."

Little Raven begins making roaring noises before grabbing her throat and pretending to die on the floor.

Darcy bursts into laughter. "Jane, I think you're right. Happy is _definitely_ the best way to make a child."

Harold suddenly appears. "I possibly heard my name, or I heard a descriptive emotion that I am really sick of."

"Daddy, look!" Raven says from the floor. "I died!"

Harold blinks down at her before smiling up at everyone around her. "I knew it was too much to ask for a normal kid."

Not everyone can fit on the large couch anymore, so many of them are standing or sitting on the floor—Jane is one of those on the floor, Magni lying beside her as she and Darcy make faces at her. There are many conversations going on, and suddenly Anthony gives a very deep frown.

"Is anybody listening?"

And everyone in the living room lets out a hearty, "No."

**_-THE END-_**

* * *

Author's notes: I. Am. Done. I am very excited. This shit is edited and complete and boom. That took way too long, but it was beautiful. Hope you all enjoyed! Tell me if you did? :) I loooove you.

**XxXxX**

References: There are only 9 references in this section:

**0.** "The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be." Said by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

**1.** "Magni" means "colossal might" in Norse.

**2.** Okay, okay, so, Pepper and Happy's kid, Raven? That's totally Raven Darkholme (Mystique). I just chose a random X-Men girl because, hey, why not? Haha.

**3.** Magni looking like a hot dog in Thor's hands? I'm hilarious because Chris Hemsworth (Thor, for those of you who don't know) was holding his daughter and the media mistook her for a hot dog and it was hilarious too.

**4.** "Nobody looks evil in their sleep, kid. You have to wait till they wake up if you want to make sure to decapitate the right people." Asofterworld.

**5.** "If I stop asking people how they are doing, maybe they will stop telling me." Asofterworld.

**6.** "The best way to make children is to make them happy." Said by Oscar Wilde.

**7.** "Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed." Said by G. K. Chesterton.

**8.** "Is anybody listening?"  
"No."  
I have no idea. Somewhere on tumblr.


End file.
